how to change oil in your Porsche (funny)

i thought you'd get a kick out of this:

Oil Changing Instructions

Women:
1. Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 since the last oil
change.
2. Drink a cup of coffee.
3. 15 minutes later, write a check and leave with a properly maintained
vehicle.

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Men:
1. Go to O'Reilly auto parts and write a check for 50 dollars for oil,
filter, oil lift (AKA kitty litter), hand cleaner and scented tree.
2. Discover that the used oil container is full. Instead of taking back to
O'Reilly to recycle, dump in hole in back yard.
3. Open a beer and drink it.
4. Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5. Find jack stands under kid's pedal car.
6. In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7. Place drain pan under engine.
8. Look for 9/16 box end wrench.
9. Give up and use crescent wrench.
10. Unscrew drain plug.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil; get hot oil on you in process.
12. Clean up.
13. Have another beer while oil is draining.
14. Look for oil filter wrench.
15. Give up; poke oil filter with Phillips screwdriver and twist it off.
16. Beer.
17. Buddy shows up; finish case with him. Finish oil change tomorrow.
18. Next day, drag pan full of old oil out from underneath car.
19. Throw oil lift (AKA kitty litter) on oil spilled during step 18.
20. Beer. No, drank it all yesterday.
21. Walk to 7-11; buy beer.
22. Install new oil filter making sure to apply thin coat of clean oil to
gasket first.
23. Dump first quart of fresh oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
26. Hurry to replace drain plug before the whole quart of fresh oil drains
onto floor.
27. Slip with wrench and bang knuckles on frame.
28. Bang head on floor board in reaction.
29. Begin cussing fit.
30. Throw wrench.
31. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Miss December(1992)
in the left boob.
32. Clean up; apply Band-Aid to knuckle.
33. Beer.
34. Beer.
35. Dump in additional 4 quarts of oil.
36. Beer.
37. Lower car from jack stands
38. Accidentally crush one of the jack stands
39. Move car back to apply more oil lift (AKA kitty litter) to fresh oil
spilled during step 23.
40. Drive car


obin

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A straight line is the most BORING distance between two points.

...last night I tried to drain oil overfilled by MB dealer in wifes Ml 320. After I drained 1.5 cups of gear oil from front diff by accident (panicking, jamming plug back in) my wife with our 2 year old in tow, called me an "idiot" and reminded me that her truck is still under warranty if it needs work. The point is, if you are bitten by the bug, you just can't help but tinker! Funny post Obin!

heh heh, thanks, also, i forgot to mention i didn't write it, a dug it up somewhere. i thought it was funny enough that everyone would get a kick out of it.

obin

Don't forget:

1. Place newly purchased oil drain pan with funnel under drain plug. This new gaget will make chaning oil simple and eliminates mess.
2. Open drain plug and watch oil pour of drain hole.
3. Congratulate yourself on your wise purchase of the drain pan.
4. Drink a beer.
5. Watch as oil pours out of motor faster that oil can move through funnel and spills onto floor.
6.
7. Spill beer while try to install drain plug with hot oil running down arm while lying in an ever increasing puddle of hot oil.
8. Clean up oil with kitty liter while cursing the piece of crap oil drain pan with funnel you just purchased.

Hate to say it, but true story.
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Paul
78SC Targa

Cridit where credit is due. I believe the original author of "oil change" is Mick Michelsen, chirman of a recent 356 holiday..the ditty published in the event program.

[This message has been edited by pwd72s (edited 05-09-2001).]

I was just going to post almost the exact same story as Paul. I bought one of those contraptions and scrambled to put the plug back in the oil tank as I saw the funnel filling up FAST! Difference was that I did get the plug back in before the oil spilled on the floor. Maybe its because I also skipped step 4?

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Regina

I thought I was the only one who combined beer drinking and oil changes. The two go together perfectly. Hey wait a minute, come to think about it beer goes great with everything.

pbs911, I used that big funnel oil pan with the little hole in the center with no problems. Maybe you used synthetic oil and it ran faster?

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Daryl 91C2 Targa

Need to add one for first time 911 changers -

11. Go into panic when you realize your 8 quart catch pan isn't big enough for the 12 quarts streaming out of the 911.

12. Go to auto parts store and buy the "idiot size" oil lift (AKA Kitty Litter).

13. Park car over exxon-valdez-class spill to hide from wife.



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'86 Cab, '77 Targa, Family Truckster

I did the exact same thing with buying the funnel style container. I must have spilled 7-8 quarts of hot oil in my carport. I use the little one I had before now, pour the oil from the crankcase into the funnel style one then go onto the big oil reservoir. Is it possible to do an oil change without spilling a little? I can do it with my Toyota. I go through several bags of oil dry each year.

Has anyone ever changed the oil on a V8 Mountaineer or Explorer? My wife has one and it's got to be one of the worst designs as far as placement of filter. It's impossible not to make a decent oil spill upon removing the filter and it pours over some plastic hoses on the way down, so those have to be wiped.

On a seperate note; regarding the original post. Being from Santa Cruz (an extremely political/environmental town)I have to urge people not to dump oil into the earth. I have the convenience of being able to leave it in front of the house and it gets picked up with the trash but if you don't have that convenience please please recycle. I know the crude oil came from the ground but refined motor oil is very hazardous to the environment!

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Zach
77 911S 3.2

The best oil drain "pan" for a 911 oil tank? It's called a bucket. At least eliminates the overflow in those slow draining mommas. To recycle? I use old 1 gallon juice jugs.

I never had the problem with the oil pans overflowing, because the 356 and 912 only use 5 quarts of oil. That is until I changed both cars oil on the same without emptying the pan! I'd change the 356's oil and so I went to the 912. Took out the plug and went back into the garage to work on the 356. Unfortunately I forgot that our oil pan holds 8 quarts and NOT 10! By the time I walked over to the 912 2 quarts off oil were all over the driveway!!! What a mess. Good thing we have cats.

Now to make the matter MUCH, MUCH, MUCH worse I grabbed 5 quarts of "supposedly" motor oil. Unfortunately, 2 were bottles of ATF for the van. After pooring almost an entire quart of ATF I got to thinking, "Wow this oil has a red tint to it". Then I turned the bottle around so I could read the label and almost had a heartattack when I red "ATF". Needless to say the 912s engine is VERY clean!

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Joshua Harrison
1968 912 Coupe