If pulling on wiper stalk triggers the wipers...
 

then would that rule out the wiper stalk for a non-op washer system? Haven't really dug into the issue yet, but looking back through the receipts, the wiper stalk switch was replaced in the last 20k miles. I can't hear the washer pump engage when I pull on the switch, so I'm thinking the motor may have died.

Check for power at the motor while a helper pulls the stalk.

^^^ This....

A lot of time the the little brass pump gears get gummed up with dry fluid. The pump can be disassembled, cleaned, and lubed easily.

are you sure the nozzles aren't clogged?

I'd hear the pump running if they were. But, I don't hear the pump running.

I don't hear my pump, and it works fine.

OK. I'll start with that, then. And if that doesn't help, check for power at the pump, and then disassemble if needed. As a last resort, buy another pump. They seem pretty cheap.

Is there water in the bottle?
I know it's a silly question but it never hurts to ask!

Yeah - I put a gallon in :)

Just an update, looks like it was gummed up. I could barely hear it when I put my ear to it and my fiancé pulled the wiper stalk. I reversed the connectors to reverse the pump to try to break it free. It worked. I then blew through the pressure side of the hose and had free flowing air, but only the drive side head was working. Pulled the check valve off the passenger side and it was froze shut. Got that unstuck and cycled it a few times with some spit and my breath, and it worked smoothly after that.

Thanks for the tips!

http://forums.pelicanparts.com/porsche-911-technical-forum/731466-ac-install-10.html#post7278216

Second time this week. I'm on a roll!!