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It bears repeating
Haynes Manual Translations
(Author unknown, found on the Web) Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with visegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer counterclockwise. Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell, bucko! Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start; now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox... Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into... Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a BIG can of WD40... Haynes: Retain small spring... Translation: "Jeez what was that, it nearly took my eye out!" Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: "OK - that's the glass part off, now use some good pliers to dig out the base... Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing... Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be! Haynes: One spanner rating. Translation: Your mother could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up? Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground. Haynes: Three spanner rating. Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards! Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha! Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for while muttering "Piece of Sh@t" repeatedly under your breath. Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife, "Yep, as I thought, it's broke!" Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself. Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust. Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know. Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark pugs removed. Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder. Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs. Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places. Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off... Haynes: Using a suitable drift... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift! Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!
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*Disclaimer: The person above is actually dumber than he appears. my web site Torque values maintainance and repairs lots of my rebuild pics weights and measurements '84 944 auto/ps/ac/cc '86 951 Providing ignorance one post at a time. |
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11-01-2003, 05:49 PM
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Join Date: May 2002
Location: Fairfax VA.
Posts: 409
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Get an assistant, not your wife. You can always feed your friend lots of beer till he forgets what you did, women never forget, ever. Nice list Todwic!
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The crashes people remember, but drivers remember the near misses. – Mario Andretti 1991 944S2 Rally #951 Rally-America.com |
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11-01-2003, 07:38 PM
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Join Date: Mar 2003
Location: dfw, texas
Posts: 1,137
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haha thats a good one.
you can either have a sense of humor about all the things that go wrong... or you can lose your mind
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84 944 Non Alcoholic |
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11-02-2003, 04:20 AM
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I am in tears right now!!
Freakin hilarious!
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10 E92 M3 13 Jeep GC Limited 98 Jeep Cherokee 87 951 C3 Stingray |
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11-03-2003, 08:42 AM
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Join Date: Oct 2001
Location: Lexington, KY, USA
Posts: 1,182
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ROTFLMAO!
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'85.5 944 Kalahari Beige/Brown 5-speed 76K miles color-matched fuchs SOLD |
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11-03-2003, 09:37 AM
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Join Date: Jul 2003
Location: Westlake Village, Ca
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lol. Quite nice.
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85.0 944 Automatic ^ Bending my wallet over at every possible moment. |
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11-03-2003, 10:52 AM
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Burn the fire.
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excellent find todwic!
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[x] Working | [_] Broken: 2017 Victory Octane [x] Working | [_] Broken: 2005 Ram 1500 SLT w/5.7L Hemi "Drive it like you stole it." |
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11-03-2003, 11:07 PM
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'84 Porsche 944 2.5L
951
Jeep XJ
M3
Baby Hauler
C3 Stingray
2017 Victory Octane
2005 Dodge Ram 1500 SLT
