Hippies
 

Two hippies were waiting at the bus stop along with a nun with her leg
in a cast. The first hippie asked "Sister, how did you break you leg?"
"I slipped in the bathtub." The second hippie asked the first "What's
a bathtub?" "How should I know, I'm not Catholic!"

The Test

"I was happy. My girlfriend and me were dating for
over a year, and so we decided to get married. My
parents helped us in every way, my friends encouraged
me, and my girlfriend? She was a dream!

There was only one thing bothering me, quite much
indeed, and that was my mother-in-law to be. She was a
career woman, smart, but most of all beautiful and
sexy, who sometimes flirted me, which made me feel
uncomfortable.

One day she called me and asked me to come over to
check the wedding invitations. So I went. She was
alone, and when I arrived, she whispered to me, that
soon I was to be married, and she had feelings and
desires for me that she couldn't overcome. So before I
got married and committed my life to her daughter, she
wanted to make love to me just once.

What could I say? I was in total shock, and couldn't
say a word.
So, she said, I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are
up for it, just come and get me. I just watched her
delicious behind as she went up the stairs.

I stood there for a moment, and then turned around and
went to the front door. I opened it, and stepped out
of the house.

Her husband was standing outside, and with tears in
his eyes, hugged me and said, we are very happy and
pleased, you have passed our little test. We couldn't
have asked for a better man for our daughter.
Welcome to the family.

Moral of the story: Always keep your condoms in your car.

Jorge (Targa Dude)

hahahahahaha THAT one is good

I just spit my coffee!

rjp

A guy was sitting in an airplane when another guy took the
seat beside him. The new guy was a wreck, pale, hands
shaking, biting his nails and moaning in fear.

"Hey, pal, what's the matter?" said the first guy.

"I've been transferred to Los Angeles, California," he
answered nervously. "They've got race riots, drugs, the
highest crime rate in the country..."

"Hold on," said the first. "I've been in L.A all my life,
and it's not as bad as the media says. Find a nice home,
go to work, mind your own business, enroll your kids in a
good school and it's as safe as anywhere in the world."

The second guy stopped shaking for a moment and said, "Oh,
thank God. I was worried to death! But if you live there
and say it's ok, I'll take your word for it. By the way,
what do you do for a living?"

"Me?" said the first, "I'm a tail gunner on a bread
truck."

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Late one night in the Washington, D.C. area a mugger
wearing a ski mask jumped into the path of a well-dressed
man and stuck a gun in his ribs.

"Give me your money," he demanded.

Indignant, the affluent man replied, "You can't do this -
I'm a US Congressman!"

"In that case," replied the robber, "give me MY money!"
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One evening after dinner, a five-year-old boy noticed that
his mother had gone out and he asked his father, "Where
did mommy go?"

In answer to his question, he was told, "Mommy is at a
Tupperware party."

This explanation satisfied him for only a moment. Puzzled,
he asked, "What's a Tupperware party, daddy?"

The man had always given his son honest answers, so he
figured a simple explanation would be the best approach.
"Well, son," he said, "at a Tupperware party, a bunch of
ladies sit around and sell plastic bowls to each other."

He nodded, indicating that he understood this curious
pastime...

Then he burst out into laughter, and said, "Come on, Dad!
What is it really?"
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A company, feeling it is time for a shakeup, hires a new
CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all
slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning
on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let
them know he means business! The CEO walks up to the guy
and asks, "And how much money do you make a week?"

Undaunted, the young fellow looks at him and replies, "I
make $200 a week. Why?"

The CEO hands the guy $200 in cash and screams, "Here's a
week's pay, now GET OUT and don't come back!"
Surprisingly, the guy takes the cash with a smile, says
"Yes sir! Thank you, sir!" and leaves.

Feeling pretty good about his first firing, the CEO looks
around the room and asks, "Does anyone want to tell me
what that slacker did here?"

With a sheepish grin, one of the other workers mutters,
"Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."
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Toward the end of our senior year in high school, we were required to
take a CPR course. The classes used the well-known mannequin victim,
Rescue Anne, to practice. My group's model was legless to allow for
storage in a carrying case. The class went off in groups to practice.
As instructed, one of my classmates gently shook the doll and asked,
"Are you all right?" He then put his ear over the mannequin's mouth to
listen for breathing. Suddenly he turned to the instructor and
exclaimed, "She said she can't feel her legs!"

hahahaha, funny stuff

A man walked into a Porsche dealership, opened the door of a new Boxster, took a seat behind the wheel and smiled.

A salesman approached and asked, "Are you thinking about buying this car?"

"Oh, I'm definitely going to buy this car," he said, "but right now I'm thinking about pussy."

Three hillbillies are sitting on their porch in Arkansas.

One says, "Boy, my wife is so dumb. She is so stupid she went shopping today and bought an air conditioner. Hell, we ain't got electricity!! "

Then the other guy says, "Ah, that ain’t nothing .. my wife's dumber than that. She went shopping and bought a washing machine."

They all laughed because nobody around them had plumbing.

The third guy said, "If you think that's dumb, listen to what my wife did. I was looking in her purse for change the other day and I found six condoms. Hell, my wife doesn't even have a penis."

During his sermon one Sunday, the local preacher told his congregation that the entire range of human experience could be found in the Bible.

He confidently stated, "If anything can happen to humans, it is described somewhere in the Bible."

After the service, a woman came up to the preacher and said, "Reverend, I don't think the Bible mentions anything about PMS."

The preacher told the woman he was certain he could find a reference to PMS somewhere in scripture.

During the following week, he searched diligently, book-by-book, chapter-by-chapter, and verse-by-verse.

On the following Sunday, the woman came up to him and asked, "Did you find any references to PMS in the Bible?"

The preacher smiled, opened his Bible, and began to read, "...and Mary rode Joseph's ass all the way to Bethlehem."