I moved my 82 yo mom into assisted living a little over a year ago. My mom refuses to walk and most of the time doesn't want to go to the dining room so they charge quite a bit more than the standard rate for the extra attention she needs. She was in a room with a separate bedroom which ran $6,500 a month with an additional $3,000 for the extra care so $9,500 a month but we've moved her to a smaller $4,500 per month room while she's been out after a fall. This is a small East Texas town so I think they know there's limited supply so they're charging more than they should. The support they give really isn't very good either.

About a month ago she had a fall when she got tired of waiting from someone to help her to the bathroom. This knocked out a few teeth and required some stitches. Since then she's been in a full nursing home doing rehab to help be more mobile.

She seems to like the nursing home better than the assisted living since the food is better (also surprising considering what the assisted living charges). Even though the assisted living is a nicer newer building, I like the nursing home better because they have more staff and once medicare quits paying, it would be cheaper than the assisted living.

Ideally I'd move mom to Houston where there's more competition and more choices but she doesn't want to leave the small town because she would probably never see the remaining relatives she has besides me and my family.

Mom had a fall Saturday and has a fractured femur.

She is still at her ALF and is receiving pain medication - which started off with lower level choices......but today we made the decision to go to Morphine to at least nullify the pain enough so she could be handled to change her.

I'm well aware this may be the event that sends her to the Hospice care center. Going day to day right now. Will know more tomorrow.

Your gift to her is simply being there, which you do as well as anyone...

My best is all I can offer from afar...what a lovely woman.

Very sorry to hear that Baz.

As Seahawk said, most important element is that you are there for your mom. Very difficult time, my prayers for her and you.

Baz,
Heartbreaking to watch our parents/loved ones become so vulnerable.
Tell her she has lots of folks who know the kind of kick a$$ lady she was.
Thinking of you.
Les

Thanks, guys......appreciate it......

If you take care of yourself half as well as you do your Mom you'll be all right. However, I'm choking back a sob as I recall it all.

Just heard from my sister. My 91 year old brother who has been on blood thinner to prevent strokes has developed severe sinus bleeding. They don't seem to be able to control it. I guess I will head up that way (4 hour trip) after playing at my MIL's facility.
And so it goes.
Best
Les

Thanks, Flatty.....sending hugs, brother......


Sorry to hear, Les......sending positive vibes your way, brother......

Sorry to hear of your mother's injury, Baz. It seems a bit counterintuitive, but frequently even elderly with broken hips will undergo surgery. Not so much for the expectation or hope that they walk again, but more for comfort measures. Even being rolled around in bed for toilet care/hygiene can be very painful with a broken/non-immobilized hip. The surgery is meant to provide fracture stabilization and pain reduction, to allow for hygiene.

If very fortunate, my Mother is 87, still short as a tack and active.
As a matter of fact, she just got back from a convention in Orlando, and there is a video from Saturday night, last night of the convention , at 2:15, she was still hanging out in the hospitality room, passing out jello shots she had in her purse. http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1726022928.jpg
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1726022928.jpg
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1726022928.jpg
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1726022928.jpg
http://forums.pelicanparts.com/uploa...1726022928.jpg
Baz, if you ever need to talk, you have my number.

Often the hips will break before the fall due to bone density. Thankfully it was not the hip. Grandma got a clot and went quick after that.
Best wishes and prayers to you.

---
Got mom back from the hospital again from a believed reaction to antibiotics for a UTI.
She'd also decided to go out and get the Covid/Flu/another shot all on the same freaking day...fear making decision.
She'd called me on the way there. Not the day before when it was all happening.

The anti-bios were effective but it was too much. Her urine had cleared up several days before. She'd had an episode where both ends uncorked simultaneously and ended up there. Dehydration is not good with heart conditions. I know the hospital well.

Got her back and she could hardly walk from the car to the front door where she began vomiting again. Admin lady at the retirement building got her a wheelchair and asked "They sent her home like that?". She got cleaned up fed a little and watered, into bed. Had to lift her head she was so out of it. 14hrs sleep and has been almost brand new these next days. Watched the debate last night and she ate a lot. It was a 50/50 what I would find that morning when I went over to make breakfast.

She was insisting on taking the remaining course of anti-bios as the visiting nurses aid insisted. She only listens to strangers. I made an executive decision to stop them. I called a few docs for confirmation. Experienced family nurse had seen it before with the brand. Those things saved her then almost killed her.

Later got a call from the hospital follow-up (I could barely understand the person's accent) admonishing me and the doctors for not continuing the full treatment at the regular schedule. He wasn't interested in adverse effects, changing the dosage, or using a different medicine.

It's rough, my mother is 91 1/2 and very weak. She slid out of her recliner 2 weeks ago and I had to spend 6 hrs in the ER so they could do a head scan before I could bring her back to the assisted living. They are very strict. She hit the top level of care now with aids assisting with everything, $12,000 a month. She currently has one of the deluxe suites, and I am going to have to move her to a studio to make things easier.
My wife is from Indonesia. Her mother fell and broke her hip years back, but was not healthy enough for surgery. One of her sisters that is a retired nurse moved her into her house and we sent money to pay for a full time aid to assist. When we visited, her mother was not able to speak, but she enjoyed holding my hand while I talked to her while my wife would translate. She passed away a few months after our visit. I couldn't make the trip, so my wife took 3 weeks off and went back without me. It's never been easy for her to be so far from the rest of her family.

Update on my 91 year old brother. I saw him Tuesday and thought, " OK. He is doing pretty well."
Wednesday morning his energy levels were very low and I said my "Goodbyes ".
I heard from my sister Thursday evening, he had pulled out the nasal packing which had been put in place by the surgeon to stop the bleeding. The nurses were on alert, but there was no further blood loss.
This morning he was transferred back to the care facility.
I must say my brother could be the poster child for "Don't worry. Be happy!"
He's obviously not done yet.

Best
Les

It's not an easy "job", but it's the most rewarding job I've ever had. I consider myself lucky that I got to be my mom's primary care giver. She gave so much to me throughout my life that a few months, regretfully, given back was the least I could do.

My mother is a week away from her 92nd birthday. Thanksgiving day was the last time she tried to get out of bed on her own and she took a light fall. I spent 3 hours at the emergency room with her to get a CT scan. Fortunately it was quiet there, previous times it took 6 hours. I brought her home and had a nice Thanksgiving dinner afterwards.
At this point her short term memory is pretty much gone and she has no energy at all. She does enjoy my daily visit. She has no real desire to eat anymore, except for ice cream. I make sure she eats a bit of real food while I talk about all the good memories from the past.
United Hospice doctor did an evaluation with the assisted living facility doctor and will be working with Medicare and United Healthcare insurance. So far I had to remove her bed and they brought in a hospital bed for her Monday. Tomorrow I have another meeting with one of the hospice representatives. She is not in any pain spends most of the day sleeping. The aids from the assisted living facility are doing a good job taking care of her needs.

Hello Ed, Thanks for sharing. I know I speak for many here in saying we wish you & Mom all the best as you navigate through whatever path is taken at this juncture.

With Hospice involved, you and Mom will be assisted in many helpful ways, but hopefully there will be others who step up for you both. You certainly have our support, even from afar.

Keep us posted and especially if there's anything we can do to help - even if just providing input.

Hugs to your Mom!

+1

When you remember all the times your mom held your head, or rubbed your back, or climbed into bed and fell asleep with you when you were a little kid and sick, it doesn't seem there's nearly enough you can do for them at the end if their lives to make up for it in return.

^^^ That’s so true. We live a six hours away from Atlanta, where my parents lived. I could not take off work, etc. to be there every day for them. Fortunately, my dad invested well, and we were able to pay for great caregivers for both of them. It breaks my heart, that I couldn’t take care of them, like they took care of me when I was young.

Exactly. I feel like I owed it to her just like I feel like I owe it to my dad now. It's weird, as a father I say my kids have given me more than I could ever give to them. The joy I've gotten from watching them grow into the people they are has made me happy beyond belief. But as a son I look back and think there's no way I could ever repay my parents. Maybe I already have.

It’s been a bit more challenging, my Mother had a collapsed vertebrae, recently had it filled with some sort of cement to relieve the pain, a few fractured ribs, it she hasn’t fallen.

My mom is in long term care in Canada. I was informed today that she took a turn for the worse and is dying. Hours maybe a day or two. Trying to get a flight to get to see her one last time. Make sure you tell them everything you want to say while you can..........

Prayers for you and your family.

My best to you and your mom.

I held my mom as she passed away at home this morning. We had the fortune to have my mom live with us for 8 months this past year. She had moved back with my dad after we found a pair of live-in caregivers. But she really took a turn for the worse last weekend. However, during those 8 months, I couldn't have done it without my wife, who's a saint. Ironic, as she's Jewish, but a saint nonetheless.

Off topic, but one piece of advice to younguns': You'd do well to marry a nurse or schoolteacher. They have hearts of gold.

I hope you see her in time.
I’m so sorry. My condolences.

My prayers to you both..
Mom's..
miss her so much..

Rika

Sorry to hear about your mom's passing. Never an easy thing.

OT... did that going on 30 years ago. In another year my youngest will be newest member in a long line of nurses on my wife's side of the family.

:(

I am so sorry to hear this, my friend. You are so right about telling them everything you need to while you can. And that goes for everyone - not just those in their golden years. I hope you both find peace in this difficult time.

I am so sorry for your loss, Rick. But appreciate you were there for her...mad respect, sir....and to your wife as well.

In our case, I had a caregiver who helped with things and she was at the top of the list I read at Mom's funeral proceeding. Afterwards she told me she appreciated me mentioning her. Well....she earned it, let me tell you.

This endeavour is one of the hardest ever faced. No one can do it alone.

God's peace to you and yours, my brother......

Have a living will and end of life care, leave it in the parents fridge and the let emergency medical personnel know. (If they want to live at home)

My condolences to Noah930, and Cdnone1 I hope you get there in time.
My mother's 92nd birthday is the 7th and I'm hoping she makes it. She is extremely weak, but while she has occasional anxiety from her dementia, she is comfortable. The aids at the assisted living and Hospice people take good care of her. She has no short term memory outside of a vague knowledge that I will visit her every day, and this seems to keep her going. Every visit could be the last time.
When my father passed at 79 it was difficult. He was fortunate that my mother was a nurse, running the nursing department in the operating room. He had a few issues when he hit his 60's. He had a double knee replacement, prostate and colon cancer which all were treated successfully. Parkinson's is the one that could not be beat. My mother retired from the hospital and was there every day making sure he had the best doctors and treatments towards the end. What made it really difficult was her suffering from a brain aneurysm during this, but fortunately made it to one of the best hospitals in time. I took off from work and hired someone to help while my sister spent every day with mom till she was released. She made a full recovery and was just as stubborn as ever afterward. It is hereditary, my grandfather passed at 52 while visiting us when I was 4. The doctor sent my brother sisters and I for MRA's and we all cleared. It does not skip a generation which is good to know.
When his Parkinson's was affecting him most I would stop at the house 3-5 days a week after work to help. The worst parts were the loss of his ability to move and the delusions he suffered from the many drugs he took daily. He spent his days filled with anxiety and fear. I miss him, but was grateful his suffering was over.

Thank you for the words of condolence. I don't know if it's a good thing or bad to watch your loved one literally take their last breath. It's painful to watch. But I think it's relief that I feel most now. Not personal relief from the caretaking duties, but rather the knowledge that my mom is no longer trapped by her failed physical body.

I worry about my dad, who now lives aline in a big house. He refuses to move from his castle on the hill, though.

Thanks for all the words of condolence as well. I didn't make it in time. Living in another country I have been saying my final goodbyes to mom every time I have seen her for the last several years.
She lived a long wonderful life and I am glad she is no longer suffering. After 64 years of marriage my 93 year old dad is having a rough time.

I think it's normal to feel conflicted about your feelings. Relieved they are now out of pain & suffering.....and in many cases no longer enduring a non-quality of life situation.

But saddened to lose someone you love so much.

Bittersweet sums it up, for me.

Celebrate what a great life they had. The adventures they went on. All the time you spent together. The love you shared.

Now go on and live your life as they would have wanted. Proud of them....keeping them in your heart....but making every day of your life count. Make them proud of you and your integrity. That's the legacy you can leave for them.....

Prayers and love to all affected......you're not alone.....

When my mom was going through her struggles, I struggled a lot with anxiety. When she passed I could feel almost a weight lifted from me and the anxiety was gone. I view that relief you feel as her last gift to you.

I fully get your concerns over your dad as well. Something we did with my dad was to have him text "good morning" to me and my siblings in a group message every morning. This way we knew he was okay.

Hoo boy. Trying to teach my dad to text is gonna be maddening. Where's that emoji of the smilie face banging his head against the brick wall?

"hey Siri" can be a wonderful thing. :D Just name the group "kids" and all he has to do is say "hey siri, text the kids good morning"

Now my M.I.L? She texts in hieroglyphics. My wife and her older sister always have to call her and ask "what do you need mom?"

She made it to her 92nd birthday, but Mom passed on 02/06/2025. She went peacefully with no pain, which is all I could ask for. The call came at 11:50pm when the nurse came to check on her. My wife and I contacted the Hospice nurse and went up. The Hospice nurse came about 1:30am and made her passing official.
I have a developmentally disabled younger sister whose life revolved around her. My wife and I would take the 2 of them for dinner almost every Sunday till it became physically too much for them. After that I would bring my sister to visit mom 2 times a week, trying to prepare her for what was coming. The day mom passed I had a feeling and had brought my sister to visit, letting her know this might be the last time she would be able to hold her hand and tell mom she loved her.
She had a good life and will now spend eternity with dad again.

Thanks for sharing, Ed. And sincerest condolences. 92 years is more than most could ever expect and obviously having a loving and caring son like you really helped her heart in her golden years.

There's not enough words to adequately describe how helpful Hospice is in these situations. I'm so glad they were there for you and your family.

I'm praying for you and your family, my friend.

Condolences to you and your sister, Ed. How is your sister doing?