Oldest moving out to start his life....man this is hard

[berettafan]

Sending him off to college 7 hours away was a 'holy smokes how do so many people deal with this?' moment for me 4 years ago. Now we're on the eve of my son moving out for good to start his career almost 3hrs from home.

Yet another 'oh my gosh how do people cope with this?' moment for me. We're a tight family and he is an incredibly lovable and loving kid. Zero strain in our relationship.

I know we're lucky in this. We know folks who visit their kid in a mental hospital, friends whose kids left for forever far away right after high school and some who can't wait for their kids to leave.

I know it will be rare to go more than a month without seeing him but we're losing summers and winter break seeing him every day. A month ago I thought 'no big deal, we can see him any time' but now I'm discovering it is in fact a very big deal.

So what have you guys done to cope with this? How often do you get to see your kids? Did you find something specific to fill the void when they left like work or a new hobby? time passes and it gets easier?


edit- would like to have had Seahawk here for guidance and support. We were lucky to have that guy.

[Porchdog]

It's been easier for me than for my wife, but we get through it.

The oldest went to school in Florida, took a local job after graduation, got transferred to Missouri, to Switzerland then to Ireland. Covid hit, he came home, took a different local job and he's settled down a half hour away.

The middle son joined the Marine Reserves right out of high school. he was gone for a year with all the training, then mostly living at home, juggling a full time job and school. Covid sucked with juggling that, but he's settled down 45 minutes away.

The youngest went to Ohio for school and worked out there after graduation. She came back and she's settled down 45 minutes away.

We see them all fairly often now. We are pet sitting at least a couple times a month. It's OK.

[berettafan]

45 minutes away would be a dream!

never thought I'd be excited to be able to pet sit for my kids but now it's a life goal!

[onewhippedpuppy]

Like most things I think it gets easier with time. My daughter goes to school about three hours away and rarely comes back, so we’ve made a concerted effort to attend events like football games, parents weekend, or just visiting on the weekend to buy her lunch and groceries. At first it was HARD, the drive home after dropping her off was not a fun experience for my wife and I. But over time it’s gotten much easier. We try to focus on her success and how happy she is there, that makes it way easier. Also three hours really isn’t bad, that’s still within the bounds of a day trip or weekend to visit. It will get better!

[Scott Douglas]

Every once in a while I'll be going thru old pictures and run across a picture I took of our old Honda van loaded up with all my son's bed and mattress on top. We moved him out to the SDSU athletic dorm about 6 months before that if I remember correctly, but this was when he was moving into an apartment down at school. I can't remember him ever living at home after that as he got an internship at a company up north during the summer playing baseball for the company team. After he got out of school he got a job down in San Diego and lived in an apartment in Fashion Valley. Took a temp assignment with the company back in Connecticut for longer than he'd planned on but finally they moved him back here to CA.
He bought a house, the girl he met back in Conn moved out to CA and out of his life too. He met someone else thru work. They married and bought another house in north county.
They're about 2 hrs away if the traffic is cooperative, longer most times.
They've got 3 kids of their own now, plus a HUGE dog. They're living the dream. We see them often enough to make it comfortable for all of us. I kind of miss working on cars with him. The kids are getting spoiled rotten as he's buying all the toys he wanted as a kid but I couldn't afford to get him.
Our daughter lived at home for college, moved in with her brother in his first house when she graduated and got a job down there.
She met a guy, got married and his job moved them to Japan for 5 years. They've got 4 kids now and live back in Virginia. Facetime is our friend. Their kids passports have a lot of stamps in them. I don't even have one.
It gets easier, but it never gets old.

[look 171]

Going through this now. He's leaving for Santa Barbara in a couple months. I can't get enough of him. Been working with him on his car some, going to lunch and sneaking out for some mid night snacks. Its my first one out of the house and wife and think he wiouldn't be coming home. His plan is dental school after this. My older one is next after he completes the next semester in community college. Good thing is Santa Barbara is only two hours away. Train goes right by the school and we can pick him up at the station near the house. Hell, I told my wife, I will drive him back if I had to get stuck in traffic for three hours.

My fear is he will get a job elsewhere in another state or even up north. Too far and we will only get to see him for the holidays. due to the distances and the lack of daily communication, I am so afraid we will all drift apart. We are a very close family. My mother is already uneasy about it. He was her baby spends many nights with them.

[Scott Douglas]

You guys with kids leaving home need to relax.
Trust that you've given your kids the best education you could have about how to be a good person and let them go out and make some mistakes on their own. They will survive and so will you.

[oldE]

I understand. When our son moved to Calgary 20 years ago, we saw him about 4 times in a two year period. I realized then that distance and time meant little in terms of love and communication. He is in Halifax now and we see him every few weeks. Lucky us.

[LWJ]

Oh yeah!

Eldest is 20ish minutes away in an apartment.
Middle is (now) 20ish minutes away in an apartment but wants to move to SF.
Youngest is still here but can't wait to move out.

I get it. Parenting comes with infinite joy and infinite anxieties.

[berettafan]

Thank you all so much for the input and perspective!

No doubt I'm being a bit of a wuss over this but the panic attack this afternoon was real.

[look 171]

Originally Posted by berettafan

Thank you all so much for the input and perspective!

No doubt I'm being a bit of a wuss over this but the panic attack this afternoon was real.

I am right there with you because I have been thinking about this daily. Makes me a bit sad

[berettafan]

Good to have company though I'm sorry you have to feel it too.

[look 171]

I don't know how I came across this old song but I have been listening to it for about 15 years now. I kept thinking my kids will go through this one day. This was when they were little boys and needed me always.

My wife kept saying they need to go and grow up. I will admit, I am the pussy here

[look 171]

Originally Posted by berettafan

Good to have company though I'm sorry you have to feel it too.

Its only normal, right?

My friend dropped off her daughter at UC Davis in northern CA. She cried for an hour as my friend was driving back, he almost drowned in her tears in their little car. She eventually came home, married now and live about 45 min away. All is good, everyone is here. I watched those girls grow up. Younger moved away to Japan. Been 4 years and have not return to visit. Difficult to do living half way around the world.

[cabmandone]

Originally Posted by berettafan

Sending him off to college 7 hours away was a 'holy smokes how do so many people deal with this?' moment for me 4 years ago. Now we're on the eve of my son moving out for good to start his career almost 3hrs from home.

Yet another 'oh my gosh how do people cope with this?' moment for me. We're a tight family and he is an incredibly lovable and loving kid. Zero strain in our relationship.

I know we're lucky in this. We know folks who visit their kid in a mental hospital, friends whose kids left for forever far away right after high school and some who can't wait for their kids to leave.

I know it will be rare to go more than a month without seeing him but we're losing summers and winter break seeing him every day. A month ago I thought 'no big deal, we can see him any time' but now I'm discovering it is in fact a very big deal.

So what have you guys done to cope with this? How often do you get to see your kids? Did you find something specific to fill the void when they left like work or a new hobby? time passes and it gets easier?


edit- would like to have had Seahawk here for guidance and support. We were lucky to have that guy.

I look at like I did something right as a parent. I don't see my oldest daughter as much as I'd like. But I know she's happy and enjoying life and that makes me happy.

[berettafan]

I know, these are good problems to have. A kid I'll miss going to a good job that he's excited about.

Cab he was singing when I heard him getting out of the shower this morning. That of course is everything. If he's happy then I have room to be happy.

[onewhippedpuppy]

I think a lot of this transition is being happy for them as opposed to happy with them. And accepting that they are building their own lives, of which you’re no longer a crucial part of. And that’s ok, because if your adult child still depends on you, did you really do a good job of raising them to be an adult?

[Baz]

I don't have any 2 legged children but just want to say this thread makes me very happy - seeing how much you guys love and care for your kids.

I was lucky enough to have a wonderful Mom and Dad and while my Dad passed away before I finished high school, when I went away to college, my Mom was my rock. The way it should be.

And this was before the Internet so it was hand written correspondence and landlines.

Looking back - we did pretty good with doing it the 'old-fashioned' way.

Now with these smart phones you can 'face time' and more.

Doesn't replace in person visits - and hugs.

Thanks for making my day. Much respect BF - and everyone else.....

==========

And yes......this would be a thread Seahawk could add value to! As he has so many times before.....

[MBAtarga]

I didn't understand in my younger adult days when my Mom said as a parent you never stop worrying about your kids. I was in my mid-30's at the time and didn't understand it as we had two pre-teen kids then. Once the kids left home for college (nearby though) I understood. They are both fine adults and live within an hour of us - and only 8 minutes apart. They are siblings first - but also good friends, and their spouses all get along!

But when the phone call comes in from either of them - my first thought is what's wrong?

[KFC911]

Originally Posted by berettafan

Thank you all so much for the input and perspective!

No doubt I'm being a bit of a wuss over this but the panic attack this afternoon was real.

I have no insight into these matters whatsoever .... therefore I wiil post my .02 worth .

I recall your post from a couple of decades ago ... wondering if you were ready for parenting ... or something...

I think you might be ready for this phase too

Best to you all!

And yes.....Seahawk is missed...