Fun with a Tazer
 

To give you some background information, Rex, the author of this email,
is in his mid 40's about 6'4 and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he
is quite an intelligent person.

Dear Friends,

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you
will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.
Here goes.
Last weekend I spied something at the Pawn shop that tickled my fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.) I bought
something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and
I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet girl.
What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Tazer gun
with a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it
is a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be short
lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but allowing you
adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the prongs into your
250 lb tattooed assailant, push the button, and it will render him a
slobbering, goggle-eyed, muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.
If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out - way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was
so disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no stinkin'
directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular model
would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I do love
fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however, and
pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was so looking
forward to.
I did so. Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud
pop!!!
Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet
to explain to her what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.
Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, etc., etc.
There I sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little
soul), reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and
thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood
target. I must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a
second and thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all.
But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself
against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as
advertised. Am I wrong? Was I wrong to think that?
Seemed reasonable to me at the time.
So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, Tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water.
All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5"
long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded
with two itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin'
way!" Friggin'
way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself. What happened next is
almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed.
I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a one-second burst
from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. (Sound,
rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you agree?) I decided
to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.
(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--always
twenty-twenty. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact, even
though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?) I touched the
prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY *********!!!! I'm
pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the front door, picked
me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on the carpet over and
over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, soaking wet, with my
left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard
before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, do it
again!" (Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Tazer,
one note of caution. There is no such thing as a one-second burst
when you zap yourself.
You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your
hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky,
you won't dislodge one of the prongs 1?4" deep in your thigh like yours
truly.) SON-OF-A-BISQUIT-EATER that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't
be sure, as time was a relative thing at this point), I collected my
wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My
reading glasses were on the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get
there??? My triceps, right thigh and both titties were still twitching. My
face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, as my bottom lip
weighed 88 lbs. give or take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way,
has anyone seen my testicles? I think they ran away.
I'm offering a reward. They're round, rather large. Miss 'em ......sure would like to get
'em back.

Glad he tested it for all of us. Always wondered what it was like but not silly enough to try it on anyone I love...

joeA

Of all the places to test....the inner thiigh...Geez.

Problem is that when you're getting mugged it's usually by people with clothes on.

I dub this thread resurrected. When I was a teen, i had a friend who was a little... um... wild. when eBay was brand new, he would buy weapons such as crossbows. Well, one day he buys a taser and decides to test it on our friend mike, without mike's consent. Nobody knew when it was coming, but as soon as mike exited the bathroom, *BAM*. There's mike on the floor, fetal position and twitching. We were all like, "what the hell is wrong with you, Pat?"

His reply? "At least I waited until AFTER he went to the bathroom."

My friend if a NY State Trooper, and he was tazed as part of his training. He does not recommend the experience :)

LOL Tears in my eyes, tea coming out of my nostril.

:DGood stuff!

Gee, aren't those things FUN? I have three different models.
One is the smaller type hand held model, that is about the size of a pack of cigarettes, just a little longer. Mine does the blue arc light show, without touching anything. It is rated at 125,000 volts.
Another model is the one that looks like a Glock pistol, laser equipped sighting, it is powered by nitrogen cartridges, it then shoots the copper leads with the straight "fish hooks" once embedded, just pull the trigger, and it will give another blast, of the mouth drooling, pants wetting blue fire. It is rated close to 200,000 volts.
The other moder, resembles a 5 cell flashlight. If you press the button, you will then see the blue sparks moving down the outer tube. It is rated a 250,000 volts.
I would not want to be on the receiving end of ANY of them.
By the way, I thought i just saw your "two little friends" boarding a bus for Chicago!
Have fun!

I have an occasional stun gun come through my pawn shop. The usual comment is they're no good for self-defense but none of these tough guys have been willing to let me try it on them. I've been thinking of taking up a collection for a test subject, somebody should do it for $50 or so.
Jim

I was on the receiving end. Ah college parties and beer. First time, I wasn't aware it was coming, the second, I OK'd - and said that I would say "stop" when it hurt, yeah right! Mace is no fun either.

beer tazer!
 

i am glad this was resurrected. i laughed my arse off. i've been shocked with one of those, not by choice. a dimwit at work walked up to me and zapped on my thigh. i didn't quite fall down, but it was close. hurt like the dickens.