Neighbor's Kid Just Appears...and Stays

ikarcuaso · 03-08-2007, 12:11 PM

Don't get me wrong...great kid. Same age as my eldest son (1st grade). Well-mannered, they get along great, etc.

I guess our concern is more with his parents. They have:

- sent him over in the afternoon w/o having fed him lunch
- sent him over in the middle of dinner, or right before
- not checked on him or called for him to come home for several hours, right through our dinner time and beyond
- not check on him up to as late as 9:00 P.M. (when we have to take the initiative to send him home)
- left their house w/o telling us while he was over, delaying our going out until they got back home (or forcing us to bring their son along)
- almost always leaving us to be the ones to end the "play date"
- never invited our son over to their place (he has gone there a couple times at our suggestion)

Are we missing something, and is it us with the problem?

It's not that we have a problem feeding the kid or having him over, although we have had to improvise at dinner time a few times. We've just taught our kids that un-invited visits (or extended stays) during meal times are not appropriate. The parents of our son's classmates that we've met all seem to be aware of these un-written rules. Is it different if the "visitor" lives nearby and doesn't have to be "dropped off"? Do we need to just chill out?

We have gotten the feeling that we're being "cased out" sometimes, as he'll appear when we go out on our porch or as we are just arriving home. We also feel sometimes that we're convenient sitters or child "entertainment" for his parents (he's an only child, we have another child).

Anyway, just looking for some input on how best to handle this. We haven't before been put in such a position due to (what we perceive to be) inconsideration. Making the kid feel bad in anyway is not an easy thing for us to do. We haven't really said anything to his parents to this point.

K9Torro · 03-08-2007, 12:16 PM

Just another example of " free " enterprise at work,

The enterprise is " baby sitting " and it is your's, the " free " is that they get to have time together to do other things when the kid is at your house and the best part , yep you guessed it " free ". lol

Todd

legion · 03-08-2007, 12:17 PM

Sounds like you are being used as free childcare. Leaving the kid at your place without telling you they are leaving is unacceptable IMO. Do you get the feeling that the kid is being "sent" or is coming on his own?

ikarcuaso · 03-08-2007, 12:28 PM

As an only child, I'm sure he looks out for us and is excited to come over. OTOH, I'm sure it is convenient for his parents as they don't have to deal with his periods of boredom and loneliness nor make the effort to keep him entertained for awhile. I'm just guessing.

legion · 03-08-2007, 12:30 PM

Can you plant a line of bushes that blocks their line-of-sight to your house?

the · 03-08-2007, 12:32 PM

When you don't want the kid to be at your house any longer, just call the parents and tell them to come pick him up.

Simple.

ZOA NOM · ZOA NOM's Garage

1st grade is a little young to have so little supervision by his parents. I would be interested in why he feels more comfortable at your place than his own. I never like to assume the worst, but there may be a reason why he stays away from home. In a perfect world, his parents would be close friends of yours, and both sets of kids would be "family", and the adults would reciprocate the babysitting duties.

ikarcuaso · 03-08-2007, 12:35 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by legion
Can you plant a line of bushes that blocks their line-of-sight to your house?

That's another thing. They live across the street and uphill from us. They can see the front of our house from their window, and into our fenced-in patio from their deck. I've been on the other side of their house (away from ours), and I can easily hear my kids when they are playing on our patio.

ikarcuaso · 03-08-2007, 01:04 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ZOANAS
I would be interested in why he feels more comfortable at your place than his own.

I think being an only-child has much to do with it. I can understand that. We have no reason at all to believe there's anything bad going on over there.

Quote:

Originally posted by the
When you don't want the kid to be at your house any longer, just call the parents and tell them to come pick him up.

I guess that's the tough part for us, but we've done it. Sometimes that moment is right when he shows up (like before or at dinner and we don't feel like preparing another plate, or if we think it's too late in the evening already). Having to turn the kid away and see his disappointment is not an easy thing. We only wish his parents had more discretion.

notfarnow · 01:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ikarcuaso
Having to turn the kid away and see his disappointment is not an easy thing. We only wish his parents had more discretion.

Weird situation... I kinda feel bad for the kid but at the same time it puts you in a really awkward spot. I would certainly deal directly with the parents; it's ultimately their repsonibility.

Had a very similar situation with my neighbors. Their kids, 3 & 6 would be outside playing, and come over in our yard. No biggie at first, we like kids. But then they'd hang around for ages, even if we had company and were eating out on the deck. Got to the point where we'd come home and they'd already be in our yard in our trees. Brought it up a couple times with the parents, but they couldn't have been less concerned.

The final straw was when I came home from a hardware store run to find the 6 yr old cutting 2x4s in my garage. That was the end of that. If the parents weren't going to teach their kids boundaries and respect, they weren't welcome on our property. Too bad, they are nice enough kids, but I just can't expose myself to the potential risks of having them get hurt or lost.

the · 03-08-2007, 01:39 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ikarcuaso
Having to turn the kid away and see his disappointment is not an easy thing. We only wish his parents had more discretion.

You do whatcha gotta do. Your kid and your family come first.

Plus, from the sounds of it, he's going to be facing quite a bit of disappointment in the future, so he may as well start learning to deal with it young.

ZOA NOM · ZOA NOM's Garage

Quote:

Originally posted by ikarcuaso
I think being an only-child has much to do with it. I can understand that. We have no reason at all to believe there's anything bad going on over there.

That's good. It really is strange these days, as one of the few remaining "traditional" nuclear families, our home seems to be a magnet for many of our kids' friends, and they all come and go at any time. We've always loved that, but it can be an issue if you sense you are being used. I know that the stability of our home is a good thing, especially for our own kids, but it even has an affect on their friends, so we took it as a positive if a kid seemed to hang around our place a lot. We felt like they were at least being exposed to how things should be, even if it wasn't coming from their parents.

I think the best advice cam from others above; talk to the parents, maybe they're struggling financially or otherwise, and just can't bring themselves to ask for help. Maybe they are just lousy parents and they really are taking advantage of you. No matter what the circumstances, you seem to be providing something positive in that little boy's life, and it would be a shame for it to all disappear for him. He certainly wouldn't understand.

notfarnow · 03-08-2007, 01:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ZOANAS
That's good. It really is strange these days, as one of the few remaining "traditional" nuclear families, our home seems to be a magnet for many of our kids' friends, and they all come and go at any time.

If I were you, I'd take that as a HUGE compliment. Kids seek out what they need.

Quote:

Originally posted by ZOANAS
No matter what the circumstances, you seem to be providing something positive in that little boy's life, and it would be a shame for it to all disappear for him. He certainly wouldn't understand.

Very well said.

ikarcuaso · 03-08-2007, 02:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by ZOANAS
That's good. It really is strange these days, as one of the few remaining "traditional" nuclear families, our home seems to be a magnet for many of our kids' friends, and they all come and go at any time. We've always loved that, but it can be an issue if you sense you are being used. I know that the stability of our home is a good thing, especially for our own kids, but it even has an affect on their friends, so we took it as a positive if a kid seemed to hang around our place a lot. We felt like they were at least being exposed to how things should be, even if it wasn't coming from their parents.

I think the best advice cam from others above; talk to the parents, maybe they're struggling financially or otherwise, and just can't bring themselves to ask for help. Maybe they are just lousy parents and they really are taking advantage of you. No matter what the circumstances, you seem to be providing something positive in that little boy's life, and it would be a shame for it to all disappear for him. He certainly wouldn't understand.

Thanks for posting that. The perspective you offer is priceless.

We really believe it is just a lack of awareness/consideration. My wife and I have talked about it. We'd actually feel totally different about it if his parents were to do stuff like call and say "...maybe so-and-so should come home for dinner now. Please send him home." I can see us being more than happy to respond with, "Let him stay and eat. The kids are having fun..."

Yes, totally a different feeling if you think you are just there as a convenience for someone else. As I said, my son and this kid get along well, and I love seeing that for both of them.

Hugh R · 03-08-2007, 03:33 PM

Had a guy who bought my old house and then sued me over lots of little crap that I had disclosed. After he moved in, he did the exact same thing with his kids. He sued one of the neighbors too when his kid slipped running around their pool and fell and got some stitches. Not saying its the same thing, but........

M.D. Holloway · 03-08-2007, 03:43 PM

Every so often a boy form 2 houses down comes over to play - I always ask him if is Mom or dad know he is here then I call them up and tell them he is at our home and he is fine and welcomes for X hour(s) until we have to do whatever. When he is done playing or Our Son is done with him or when we have had enough, I walk him home and let his folks know he was a great kid and we enjoyed having over.

I don't know if it would work for your intruder but it seems to work pretty well in our case.

ikarcuaso · 03-08-2007, 03:54 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by LubeMaster77
Every so often a boy form 2 houses down comes over to play - I always ask him if is Mom or dad know he is here then I call them up and tell them he is at our home and he is fine and welcomes for X hour(s) until we have to do whatever. When he is done playing or Our Son is done with him or when we have had enough, I walk him home and let his folks know he was a great kid and we enjoyed having over.

I don't know if it would work for your intruder but it seems to work pretty well in our case.

Thanks for that. I think I feel more comfortable with that approach (calling his folks and letting them know that he's welcome and informing them of our schedule) than trying to start a formal conversation, laying ground rules, etc. I will definitely start doing that.

M.D. Holloway · 03-08-2007, 04:40 PM

then there is the alternitive technique (depending on their outlook)

Option 1: Tell them that you and the fam are going to your church service and he is invited - Southern Pentacostal with plenty-o-speaking in tongues and rattlesnake han'ln.

Option 2: Your taken your son (and the boy is welcome) to attend your daily Father/Son outing at the local bar for a few rounds of drinks and some stoogie smokes.

Option 3: Uncle Willie is in Town and will watch the kids. Willie is a good guy that needs a break and the prison term taught him a trade (he just isn't allowed within 500 yards of a school yard).

Groesbeck Hurricane · 03-08-2007, 05:14 PM

I'm wondering what you know about the parents? I remember a VERY similar situation from when I was growing up. The boy was abused by the parents when home so he would just leave. They'd lock him out all day and night. The neighbors fed and clothed him until the state took over. I've always felt kind of bad for him. I hope this is not the situation in your case, but I do feel for the child. It is not their fault and you are likely a "safe zone" or being taken advantage of. I'd endeavor to find out which.

ikarcuaso · 03-08-2007, 07:25 PM

I understand the suspicions about the parents. Based on my exposure to them, I would be VERY surprised if anything like that is going on. Honestly, the thought never crossed my mind, and I am very comfortable with assuming that no such mistreatment is going on. These are not bad people. This just appears to be a case of an only child that gets bored at times w/o a playmate a home, and the benefit of having neighbors with kids similar in age who can keep the child busy/entertained when convenient.