Helicopter Parents
 

I graduated from college 7 years ago. I called my parents once every 1-2 months. Even though I was only 150 miles away, I only came home on holidays/breaks. Now, I knew my parents had a tendency to "hover" and I wanted none of it. I'd spent every day since I was 12 trying to break free and wasn't going to let them regress. ;)

We get lots of mothers calling about their kids courses, registration, passwords, etc. "Sorry, due to FERPA we can't tell you anything...."

Got a good laugh out of the article earlier today with the coworkers tho :)

My parent's didn't even drop me off!

I live on one end of Williamsburg, Brooklyn - on the other end is the largest gathering of college grads (of the artist, tatooed, hipster variety) the world has ever known...

Yes, Mom and Dads are paying zillion$ in New York rents and come to visit on the same autumn weekend as they did during the college years.

There is something about well studied hipness and your Mom and Dad from Peoria in tow.. They seem to be having a good time. I would dare not make fun of them...

"Well-educated parents aren't more likely to be helicopter parents. Poorly educated ones also intervene at about the same rate as others."

So the Universities can tell who has been "poorly educated"? As opposed to "uneducated" or "without collegiate or post-collegiate education."

I suppose, if I was, say, the University of Michigan, and a student's parents had gone to, oh, say the Southern Ohio College of Learning Things (a/k/a Ohio State) I'd conclude that such parents were "poorly educated". :D

JP

EDIT: Errr.... I mean THE Ohio State University:rolleyes:

There have been warnings for years about the "group-think" and "dependent" characteristics of Gen Y. From 5th grade "moving-up" Graduations (?!?) to trophies bestowed on every participant in an event, the mediocre has become laudable. Without objective (and I would call Darwinian) metrics for success and self-confidence, you get these superfluities.

And it's not really the kids' fault. Many of them were vanity kids -- so mom could have a little angel to dress up and/or parade around, or dad could have a little tiger, or either/both of them could have a little "best friend" instead of a child to raise.

JP

In my opinion, there is a difference between hovering and being close. Of course, this is a self serving distinction if you are a parent and you don't want to think of yourself as a "hoverer"!

Plus, there's an ethnic component to this "issue" which isn't addressed by this article.

My 25 year old daughter & 26 year old son live 75 miles and 35 miles from me respectively. We are hispanic. In the traditional hispanic culture (I am 2nd generation, they are obviously 3rd, but their mother is Anglo) families tend to stay much closer than traditional Anglo families; at least this has been my experience from observing my exe's family for 25 years.

I "text" back and forth with my son daily. I probably talk to him once a day; 75% of the time he calls me. We are both avid Dodgers fans so it'll be, "...do you think we'll go after ARod" or ""Hey, what do you think of the new Z06" or "Explain how to cope crown molding to me" etc. We have always been very close. When he was a boy he went with me everywhere until middle school. Even in high school I went to all of his baseball and waterpolo games and whatever else he was doing. Am I hovering? Sounds like Legion would think so

With my daughter I text or talk to her maybe once or twice in a week. I do not have a thing to say about my adult children's lives unless they ask for advice or help.

How many times have you called their colleges, bosses, landlords, etc. to solve their problems? How many times have you directed your kids that they must do these things? Or do you let them learn their own lessons after making suggestions? That is where I draw the line on hovering.

In college, I started freshmen year rooming with my best friend from high school. Living with him he was a completely different person than hanging out in high school. He called his mother 3-5 times a day and wrote 2 letters a day. He would go on a date that lasted an hour, and spend 3 hours on the phone with his mom dissecting it in excruciating detail. This kid would not do ANYTHING without his mother's approval. He would even call her to tell her that he was going to dinner so not to call until he got back--and we had an answering machine!

The lady who sits across from me at work has two kids in college. She calls each at least once a day from work. I've heard her tell kids to go to professors and demand an "A" for their work. She may not be contacting the school directly, but she is running the show.

There is a big difference between being friends with your adult children and running their lives.

My daughter graduated last June from UCSB. I paid for most of her education, largely through a second on my house. She graduated in 3 years, not 4. My wife and her talked several days a week. But we didn't interfere or delve into her life at all. We never called her on Thurs, Fri or Sat. nights. Not our busines what she was doing. I don't think in those three years I ever thought to look at a report card, she graduated Summa Cum Laude, as it happens. She just leased her first apartment on her own, and she's been there a week. I haven't seen it yet, but expect to this coming weekend when I help move some stuff in.

At some point, you gotta kick them out and see if they fly or fall. But be there to help them get up, notice I didn't say catch them as they fall.

My 18y/o son is sticking his toe in Cal State Northridge. He lives at home. HE I will have to watch a little more. I've told him that as long as he's making good grades, I'll help him through college. If he doesn't he knows he has two months to find a place and get a job and get on with his life. He also knows that at about $10/hour, he isn't going to be living high on his own.

I've said it before....... "the best thing a parent can teach their children is to fail"

My kids get their independence around 15; treated like an adult and become accountable for their actions. As parents, we must sit back and watch our children fail; however there is not a winner anywhere in the world that didn't fail; so if you want your kids to be winners; they'll have to learn how to fail. It's how they fail that matters.

A loser can't teach a winner. A winner can be self taught though.

I'd agree with the post by Legion; afterall, he's a winner. Parents can't be hovering over their kids so much, there's a line. In society today; the line has been faded, moved and has become very hard to see; this being one of the mildest examples of that obscurred line.

Nothing wrong with family values and families being close. I love it and its one of the reasons I cherish my Italian friends so much....... terrific family values in their culture.

Thanks for the post Legion!

My step son left for Ole Miss in August. We've talked to him maybe 10-12 times on phone and about the same on emails in the last 2 1/2 months. Saw him once at a football game and he came home for a weekend to to get some rest and clothes once.

That being said we have made suggestions on how to handle some speeding/parking tickets and his bursar account. We discussed in detail before he left our expectations grade wise for our continued financial support. Jury's out whether he'll meet our standards...gonna be close. He did drop a class against our advice. He decided to pledge a fraternity and now owes them $525/month...we have no clue as to how he plans to pay it...not our deal or responsibility. He asked for money once and we said "No."

At Ole Miss, during orientation parents are not allowed to assist with class selection, advisors etc.

We think his dad and paternal grandmother are subsidising him, but don't know...that's his deal not ours.

Parents these days do seem to have a more active involvement in the details of their kids' lives, as a whole, than when we grew up.

I think part of it is the prosperous times we have lived in, it has allowed more people more time to focus on their kids. And culturally, it seems more accepted/expected. Overall, I think that's a good thing.

Parents that are hovering over their college aged kids obviously don't have it quite right, but on the other hand, at least their kids are in college, and they have an interest in their kids, so while they are misguided, and not doing their kids a favor in the long run, they are at least trying.

I don't really understand it, though. It does seem fairly obvious that the goal is raising kids is to raise them in a way that helps them become successful, happy, independent ADULTS. My 8 year old already knows that if he has a problem with his baseball coach (like if my kid wants to pitch, or play a certain position), I won't interfere. He has to either earn it on the field, or ask the coach himself.

If my kids are having problems with other kids, they have to work it out. When we walk by an ice cream store and they want ice cream, I'll give them the money but they have to go in and order, pay for it, and deal with the guy at the register.

Seeing them grow and learn to successfully handle themselves in the world, starting at an early age, is IMO the greatest joy of being a parent. I don't have any that are college age yet, but if any of them ever asked, expected, or even accepted me talking to one of their college professors about a grade, or something like that, I would feel like I failed terribly.

When my Dad came to visit my Twin and me in College, it ALWAYS helped us with the ladies. We really looked forward to his visits. That guy has the gift of gab and certainly the charmer.

I've never called anybody for them. Not coaches during childhood sports, certainly not bosses, teachers, etc. When they have expressed upset, concern, angst, about something - I asked them what's up and would usually ask them what THEY thought they should do? When they were little I'd tell them how to approach the issue. As they grew older that paid off. They'd typically know what to do on their own...not always, but a lot of the time. Hell, I still don't know how to handle all of MY problems all of the time!

I have no trouble UNDERSTANDING why a parent would want to call; but I don't understand why their "little voice" wouldn't say, "No, let's see how they do? They'll call if they have a big problem they can't handle".

To me, the hardest part of parenting has ALWAYS been knowing when to stop! It still is. All the "look-both-way-before-you-cross-the-streets" kind of stuff is easy. If it isn't? You probably shouldn't be anyone's parent. If you're a parent and still coming home drunk at nights or getting speeding tickets with regularity, etc....chances you still need parenting... OF YOU!

Dan, you're doing a good job. Keep it up! SmileWavy

I just wanted to prove that you aren't a "hoverer" by my criteria (whatever that's worth). I had a suspicion what the answer was anyways. ;)

Thanks, I wasn't exactly "worried" about being a hoverer. But since I had never really considered it, I decided to. No one can really see themselves. Probably as a parent you REALLY can't see how you come off. I'm going to ask my kids and see what they say, just for the hell of it.

I purposely went to college about 300+ miles away from the folks, even though I got into Drexel and NYU much closer to the parents. I didn't want them dropping in for weekend visits. Though it was nice when they made the trip to Pittsburgh and took me grocery shopping once a semester or so. My dad once mailed me a box of oranges with a note "This is to prevent scurvy." I called the folks about once every week or two. No email or cell phones in those days. My parents never ever interacted with the university other than writing checks. When going back home for holidays, all I could think about was getting back to school. It was so much fun.

I don't think this is the case for you, but something to consider.

A lot of Gen Y (younger than your kids) are codependent. They wouldn't consider their obviously intrusive parents to be "hoverers". It's what they want. It's what they NEED.

I'm watching this in action. Friends of my in-laws have a kid at college, they converse daily. The kid has been absolutely led around by the hand his entire life, has never made his own decisions, and is incapable of being self sufficient. Sadly, I'd bet money that he'll end up back at home, even if he does survive college.

I will consider myself a failure as a parent if my kids are not capable of fending for themselves in this world. Self reliance/sufficience and personal responsibility are fading values in our culture today, but absolutely essential to succeed in life. My son is 3, and can already order his own food at restaurants (after I read him the menu). He's my buddy, and goes with me everywhere, but I make him do things for himself. Further, I'm proud to say that he often resists any offers to help him. He's an independent kid, and I wouldn't have it any other way. The most important job I have is teaching him to win in life. I'm not much on the recent trophy for second place movement. Life is hard, kids have to be able to cope.

Bilge.

"You shouldn't communicate with your kid, just give us $50,000 and let us do the programming."

I don't know what annoys me more, hyper parents or hubristic academics. Ok, I just decided, hubristic academics.