Taking care of the elderly
 

Any one here ever take care of an elderly loved one in their last years??
My girlfriend and I have been living with/and taking care of her father for the last 8 years now. It was not soo bad for the first couple of years, but it is getting increasingly difficult. I think my gf is about to spin a bearing. We dont really have the money to put him in a home, and we really dont want to do that anyhow, but caring for him has become a serious burden. He is about 250 lbs, and a serious diabetic. Changing adult diapers, and his bedding at least 6-10 times a day is now the norm, and he is now falling out of bed in the night. It takes everything I have in my body to get him up, and back into bed. Not to mention he has become reallly mean and nasty.
She lost her composure tonight, and told him that she wishes he was dead. I think she is at her wits end. I think I can handle the situation, and maybe it is not as painful to me, as he is not my father, but I dont know how much more she can handle. Anybody been through this??? Any good advice??.

I had the MIL here for a few months. Medicare helped somewhat. There are other helping hands you can access. I don't know anything about PA, but check everywhere for help from the church to the Salvation Army. It might not take that much to lift a part of the burden.

Here's hoping for the best.

My father slowly killed himself by neglecting his diabetes. I can empathize. I wasn't around much, he was in Nashville. That was partially on purpose--he tried my patience and sanity before he was terminal.

I don't have any good suggestions though.

It's a trial many of us must go through, and it's never easy. Milt's advice is sound. Get help where you can, muddle through the best you can.

Is she the only sibling? If not get the other sibling(s) involved. I along with 2 of my siblings took care of our parents until they finally pass away. It can be trying. If her father is not wealthy see what is available from the city and state. They will normally expect you to use all the elderly money up for care before they will chip in. There are agencies that provide additional help or hire a care giver for some of the work such as bathing him.

Here is the 2008 Republican Party platform statement on the issue:

"Modernize Long-Term Care Options for All

The financial burdens and emotional challenges of ensuring adequate care for elderly family members affect every American, especially with today’s aging population. We must develop new ways to support individuals, not just institutions, so that older Americans can have a real choice whether to stay in their homes. This is true not only with regard to Medicaid, where we spend $100 billion annually on long-term care, but also for those who do not qualify for that assistance."

Any questions?

In all seriousness, this issue will bite more and more with our aging population and it will not be fully addressed by the free-market despite what anybody says. People and their families will not (and really cannot) prepare for any eventuality that will befall them in old age. That is the purpose of mandatory social insurance. Avail yourself of any public and private assistance you can obtain. This is the richest country that has ever existed and if it can piss trillions of dollars away on foreign adventures and bailing out Wall Street it can afford to help you care for your elderly. There is absolutely no shame in it. You, your GF and he have paid taxes. Given the man's size and issues you will likely have to face eventually moving him to a home. Just remember to continue to stay in his life if he goes there. I will be soon facing the same issues. Good luck

man, best of luck. our elderly is going to be a big problem.

i dont know what i would do in your situation. probably drink heavy...you are a better man.

Sounds like the physical task of lugging a large man around is a big part of the burden. There are special beds with rails to avoid falls as well as hoists to move large long term bed ridden patients. I would get those two pieces of equipment. If you can not buy them new (they will be pricey), see if you can source them used from a family who does not need them any more.

Once you know how the equipment looks like that you need by shopping for it, you can even build some of it yourself, if you are strapped for cash. Bed rails are nothing magic and a hoist could be ceiling mounted on a rail or even based on an automotive engine hoist.

Just my two cents. I hope this helps,

George

My wife's parents are in a similar boat, though nowhere near as difficult as your situation. They took nana in about 7 years ago, and at first it was a cakewalk - she had the basement to herself and was no problem. However with further age (she's 86 now) comes more dependence. It's become a real burden on them, and I think is more than they bargained for. Don't get me wrong, they love her like anyone loves their parents, but I don't think they expected her to live this long and to require this much attention.

Granted, here in Canada we get significantly more help through gov't health care than you would in the US, which helps a lot - she gets regular visits from various health care providers and I believe her medications are covered. We looked into respite care for a month - it's very expensive, about $3500. Though I think we might have everyone in the family chip in some and do it, just to give the in-laws a break for a few weeks.

But like Jim said, never mind the politics of it, I don't think anyone, whether it be policy makers or pension-plan creators or retirement planners, figured on people living as long as they do now. So the burden, financial, social and emotional, falls mostly on the children's shoulders.

It's terribly complex but check into what's available for support for him. How old is he? He should qualify for medicare which will cover long term care for a short period of time and then if he has no assets/income or very little he could qualify for Medicaid which would take over. I'm fuzzy on this but had to research it a bit a few years ago. You could potentially get set up as a caregiver and get some financial support and maybe durable medical equipment like a hospital bed. Start by getting to a case manager or see an attorney who specializes in long term care issues.

If he's experiencing dementia it will get worse and he'll get nastier and harder to deal with. Even people in a good state of mind in his situation if he's not getting out of the house and basically in bed most of the time will experience what I've heard called ICU psychosis. My experience with this was with my father who was in a hospital for 9 months. He would literally some days be out of his mind, accusing my Mom of cheating on him, etc. The next day he'd be back to normal. Not fun.

Take care.

Not even considering money here, just emotional health of your GF...

Would some form of in-home care or a nursing home be an option?

If he is terminal hospice can step in

Dude - save the GFs sanity quick. Get her a hotel room at a decent (not super fancy) place in town and send her away for 24 hours... probably the best $100 you'll spend (room, dinner, small bar tab).

Then, start working on solutions. The assistive devices as mentioned, etc. Maybe call a local hospital and ask to speak with one of their social workers - its their job to find solutions for home care, etc. when someone is discharged from the hospital... a 10 minute call with one of them should get you going for local resources.

Another option, if you have a room, is to find a nursing student. Trade a few hours a day of care for free room/utils...

+1. It sounds as if you are increasingly not qualified/equipped to take care of him. If he doesn't have any real assets, I think Medicaid will cover nursing home costs.

My MIL has been living with us for almost a year, she's 79. The reason she's living with us is that my (unt sister-in-law brow beat her mom out of her life savings over the last 20 years and she now has nothing to her name. Also, she's diabetic and forgets to take her medicines, so she needs someone to keep on her about her meds. twice a day. The rest of the brothers and sisters in law can't seem to be bothered to care a ***** about mom. The MIL isn't really a problem now as she can get around, but I know it will only get worse with time.

Just as my kids are moving out, the MIL has moved in.

we had my father in a couple different places before finally getting him into a really nice place run by the veterans admin. His monthly care expense dropped from around $5k a month to about 1/2 as much. if he had not owned property and assets, his monthly social security check would have been his payment. If her father has ever served in the military, he's probably eligible. my father was in WWII and Korea I believe. There's quite a waiting list. It was almost a year before we got him accepted. The VA home was like a resort compared to the other places he was in before. defiant to the bitter end, he escaped/jumped the fence at the first place, broke beds and wheelchairs at the next and had to be restrained most of the time at the VA home.

It can go from doable to impossible in short amount of time, it's hard enough if you have a relative in hospital that needs geriatric care, but doing it at home, with no background in that kind of care,
without the tools they have , then it can potentially bring you down completely in terms of time and stress.

I spent much time with my grandmother, and saw the decline happen, she was in a nursing home, but the last months she was in hospital.
Now that one month , i can't imagine doing that at home with just 2 people, without experience, without the equipment. It would be difficult enough even with equipment and a nurse assisting during day time.

And the point is, there's nothing that says it will only take a month, my grandma seemed to be improving, and next day her heart gave in. But otherwise, she was ready to go back to the home for the medical problems (broken pelvis in a fall), but she would have been medically stable, but very much needing help with everything.

And then there's the other possible scenarios, alzheimer and dementia and others.... It will break the old person, and you 2 along with it...

This is a recipe for disaster if you 2 aren't 100% informed about what might be required, and if not 100% sure you feel up to it after you are informed...