James May on men
 

I really don't know what's happening to blokes

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As the new series of Top Gear takes to our screens Britian's second worst-dressed man admits that the concept of male grooming is somewhat lost on him.

As some of you may know, I was nominated for a Bafta this year for my series about toys. Didn't win, obviously, because I was merely mucking about with Lego and Plasticine, so the prize went to some people who boil pasta and try to pretend it's difficult.

End of bitterness, which is felt only on behalf of the production crew, who worked so hard, and all the people who joined in.

Still, at least, as a nominee, I got to take home the Bafta goody bag - or rather didn't, because I left it in a bar - but someone recovered it for me.

I wish he hadn't. I've never had one before, but was always dimly aware that such things existed. I assumed it to be full of beer and whisky, and maybe a penknife, that sort of stuff. But no.

It was full of things for girls: a hairdryer, a handbag, a necklace thing, a scented candle and revitalising facial serums not tested on animals but seemingly made from whale sperm.

There was only one item ostensibly for the chaps, and it was an electric male grooming tool, the packaging of which was adorned with homo-erotic imagery.

It seemed to be designed for shaving your bum, or something. I was absolutely horrified. Clearly I need a male grooming tool like Heathrow's main runway needs a sleeping policeman.

Trouble is, it's quite difficult to get rid of. I can't just throw it out. But neither can I give it to Dr Barnardo's charity shop, because I don't think they take electrical goods and, anyway, someone might see me with it.

I did think of leaving it in the gents at the pub, but then if it disappeared I'd know there was someone at the bar who perhaps trims his pubic hair into an artful motif. So it's still sitting on my desk. It's disgusting.

I may be guilty of not being modern here, but I really don't know what's happening to the blokes. Take the latest edition of the official Ferrari magazine (€50 a copy, but if you can't afford the magazine… et cetera).

This is generally a good read. I know the editor, and he's a good bloke. There's some stuff on Steve McQueen's cars, a great feature on Enzo's watch collection, and Nick Mason, in black and white.

But what's this? It's a fashion shoot. You know the sort of thing. Ferrari California in the background, wistful woman in an expensive scarf, and some idiot leaning on things.

The captions read something like "Roberto wears shirt by Orly Korly, casual trouser by Sartoriali ******oni, earnest facial expression that make you want to defile his perfect cheekbones with a crowbar, model's own shoes".

I bought a Ferrari. I did so because it's a thing of loveliness, which therefore allows me to carry on looking like a fabric recycling bin. If I looked as good as this bloke I'd drive a mid-size diesel MPV. This sort of brings me to Top Gear, which returns to your haunted fish tank tomorrow evening.

Obviously, I can't tell you too much about it, because that would spoil it, but I can assure you that there will be some fatuous used-car challenges, me driving a Porsche, Germany, a garden centre, hats, an explosion, and much use of expressions along the lines of "As you'd expect", "I was the first to arrive", "Anyway", "Now" and other linguistic fulcra without which the programme would be impossible to make.

What we won't be doing is being in any way fashionable. Last year Clarkson was voted the worst-dressed man on British television. I think I came second. Hammond rather let the side down by only coming 10th.

There is no clothing allowance and no wardrobe department. If you want more presentable presenters you will have to watch absolutely anything else.

People keep asking me why Top Gear is so successful. It beats me, to be honest, but I wonder if it might be because we haven't yet fallen into the trap of seeing cars as some extension of the style milieu, blah blah blah.

It's all a bit Eighties, I suppose, but we're still car journalists who actually like cars as cars, even if I have turned into Foggy from Last of the Summer Wine.

It goes all the way to the top, too. Film crews are terribly trendy and lead the world in provocatively logoed T-shirts and action trousers, but the bloke putting all this together?

Let's put it this way. There's a camper van scene in this new series, and on the morning of our second day of filming I got up very early and took a stroll around the campsite.

Suddenly, I noticed someone's awning, obviously torn free by the brisk seaside breeze, flapping across the field towards me.

Imagine my surprise when it spoke. Turned out to be the producer.


I really don't know what's happening to blokes - Telegraph

Funny stuff and I agree 100%. I do get my haircut buy a very HOT lady that also does "men's hairstyles" While she was trimming my grey beard she mentioned that is the biggest pile of grey hair ever on her floor. She has some metro-sexual men clients that have their hair trimmed once a week. :eek:

She then said that I am the opposite of a metro-sexual. I said THANK YOU!

At work I wear shorts all summer and Jeans in the winter. I refuse to wear a tie.

I will admit that I fall into the worst dressed category as well. My neighbors think it is odd when I am NOT wearing ripped jeans or shirt. I favor Hawaiian shirts as on-the-road-customer-visit work shirts. Newer black jeans have become my dress pants. I don't own a single pair of those fake shorty socks that you are supposed to wear with running shoes now. Seemingly 90% of the socks that I do wear have holes. My wife is tolerant.

Ian

As tobra has pointed out, all my shirts tend to be black, and i never wear any pants but jeans.

Great read...thanks :)

I really enjoyed James May's Toy program. The R/E agents assessing value of his Lego home was hilarious as was trying to make a PB&J with lego knives, forks etc. The segment with the open house where someone pooped in his Lego toilet and left a Lego Log was hilarious :)

Good stuff, cool guy, cool job!

btw- there is car guy chic when it comes to fashion, or lack of... My niece calls it fashion backwards

Personally, I prefer casual dress, after many years working for bankers and wearing suits every day you begin to realize even nice suits are simply another type of uniform...

Now days I can still through together a sophisticated look just as easily as uber casual rancho-relaxo chic. For that I am grateful. There's a time to look sharp, just as there's a time to "be comfortable"... I prefer the latter!

I like James May.

In Europe the must-have men's fashion accessories this year are capri pants and hair bands.

fixed.

The collars on my Tee Shirts don't lay flat...

Yeah, and when rounded out with a "man purse" it's a bit to metro for my taste or as others here would say "ghey" :p

YMMV

Same here for the most part but I do change shirt colors in summer. Black is too damm hot around here.

Funny thing, as I get older have been thinking about phasing the jeans out for some events and actually wearing something a bit nicer.

Guess looking like men did in the old days, even with a hat is becoming more appealing. NO its not a baseball cap, a real hat!

I would like a nice hat, maybe two. One for summer and one for winter, like straw and felt cowboy hats in Texas. I do wear a nasty ol' beat up straw hat when doing yard work.

Capt. Slow is my favorite of the three.

Wasnt it fantastic? Every now and then something like that comes along, seemingly specifcially intenede to stop you hurling the TV through a window. We loved the full sized Airfix Spitfire. Model making was someting I loved as a kid, and its something I try to foist to fosit on my kids instead of PS3. That show really helped.

And mine aren't the same color from top to bottom.

that may be true, but I'll betcha you manscape! SmileWavy

The ripped jeans are still sorta in fashion so you attempts at being outside the loop have fallen short.

I don't watch Top Gear for the fashion sense, I watch it because they test Lambos, Ferraris, Porsches, etc. They dont just drive them casually around either. Its epic to watch the Stig give it to some of those high end cars.

I laugh when I see these guys with trendy clothes. Its like when women wear push up bras, slimming jeans, etc.

Not fake rips. I have seen those poser jeans. Mine often involve pain & blood so they are earned rips. Big difference.

Ian

I don't have much of a complaint about those. I think a few guys could use a push up belly band.

BTW, the comments that follow May's article are as good as the piece itself. From a certain bvh:
"One is guessing that you're doing a Clarkson and speaking with your tongue pop-riveted to your inner cheek ..."
You know, if PPOT was as witty, this would be the best place in the world.

Love top gear, normal guys who just love cars.

As for fashion...... dirty jeans and an 80's metal T-shirt, ragged tennis shoes and my red/black zebra striped belt is my work attire, school attire, play attire I think you get the point.