Leaving a bar a loooong time ago...
Me: Do you have a match?
Her: Ya, your face and my asse!
Me: I always thought that my face was thin....
Her face....Mad! My buddy almost on the floor laughing....

I am usually pretty careful to temper my comments on-line, but in real life, I am a COMPLETE smartass. :p

A couple of us were talking the other night and the conversation went like this:

Zoe: I worked out for 30 minutes on the rowing machine and burned 265 calories!
Ed: Big deal, I burn that much when Sherrie (wife) and I have sex.
Me: Wow, Ed - I didn't know you could burn 265 calories in 20 seconds!

angela

Angela...

That's excellent >>> roflol hahahhahhhaaa.... :D:D

About 30 years ago, my wife dropped into the office just in time to overhear one of my co-workers bragging about his "sexploits".

She walked through the room and without missing a beat drawled, "Harold, a good piece of asse would kill you!"



The same guy down on the loading dock one morning was trying to rib another driver, who was gay. He said something about condoms being useless to her.
She responded, "Yeah. I can never find one big enough for my tongue."

Poor guy never knew when to shut up.

Les

"This is a A & B conversation, so why don't you C your way out of it before D jumps over E and beats the F out of you

in between a Ex wife and husband.

Her. so, it's been 4 months...how's your sex life?

Him. better, it's only my hand, but better.

While watching a pot deal in college, a girl looked at a bag on the table and asked much was in there.

Someone replied, "An ounce."

She said, "How many 8ths is that?"

We all replied in unison, "Eight" and laughed.

She scoffed, "Well, I don't know the metric system."

There are many nice stories about George Bernard Shaw and Winston Churchill.

Shaw sends Churchill two tickets for the opening night of one of his plays with a note that reads, "Bring a friend—if you have one."

Churchill sends the tickets back with this note, "Sorry. Can't make opening night. Please send two tickets for second night—if there is one."

A co-worker I don't particularly care for (who is also completely bald) spends way too much of his time being critical of others around him. Guess he thinks it makes him look better to point out faults in others.
For some reason he decided it was time to rib me in a high level meeting. Bad move.

I can't remember what led up to it but this tool said something about my growing bald spot that evidently he was very concerned with.
ME: "you have a lot of room to talk".
HIM: "I shave my head on purpose"
ME: "now we just gotta teach you to walk backwards".

He didn't get it right away but he was the only one in the room that didn't.
That just made the big bosses laugh even harder at his expense.

Early morning caller: "I'm sorry. Did I wake you up?"
Me: "Naw. That's OK. I had to get up and answer the phone anyway."

My favorite exchange from a lady I used to water ski with in college:
Her husband: "When you turn 40 I'm going to trade you in for two twenties"
Her response: "I don't think you are wired for 220".

At a meeting a young very up herself PC girl calls me out in front of everyone for calling the Chairman, Chairman. "The correct term is Chairperson " (Which it isn't).
I say "Your last name tells me you are Italian", "Yes, So?" She says.
"Well, I'll make a deal, I won't teach you to speak Italian & you won't teach me to speak English".

Sick, scared old lady, with a little piggy that had gone rotten and was starting to smell bad.

When you are septic, blood rife with infection, temp runnin' more than somewhat hot, you can get pretty delirious. She had limped into the clinic, really did not want to lose a toe that was already gone. Things went pretty fast from the moment we see something like that. We are wheeling her back, she tells us to stop, she does not want to have surgery.

"God will fix my foot," she says.

Darren Pepper, the senior resident, tells her,

"No ma'am, He made us doctors so we could fix it."

She kind of nods, goes back, gets the surgery and did fine.

Yes, I know Dr Pepper.

My GF was a nurse in Edinburough, Scotland. A young kid has huge face infection starting from around his nose area. and his parents were very demanding, well to do people, who saw everyone else as "little people" or servants.

Father: "I demand to know why this has happened to my son!"
Doctor: "He is suffering from "blah blah string of Latin words"
Father: "Good God Man, speak English!"
Doctor: "He sctatched his arse then picked his nose."