Any other "mean" parents out there?

[Bobbi66]

Funny, when I was growing up I use to call my parents mean all the time. I just couldn't understand why they had so many rules and restrictions for my sister and myself. My mother's answer was always because you're MY daughter and I want you safe and to grow up a lady.

Well, now in my forties and a stepmother to a beautiful and sweet 11 yr old girl, I fully understand the need for boundaries. I am also learning that it's not a parent's job to be their "friend" during these developmental years, my husband and I are looking forward to those days once we get her through college.

So our current dilemma is Facebook! For Christmas her mother gave her an Iphone and laptop. We gave her an Ipad. With much hesitation, we conceded to the Ipad but also set up rules to go along with the use of it. We didn't want her to have a FB account but her mother set it up for her. We asked our daughter for the password and finally she did give it to us. We check it every night and also make her "unfriend" people we feel are inappropriate. She is not allowed to have an "oovoo" account but again her mother set one up for her.

The parenting time is 1 week on and 1 week off. During our time her grades are very good, she is not allowed to take her Iphone or Ipad to bed with her. We get them and look over all the private chats. We are truly blown away at what we read! Eleven years old and they all are soo eager to be adults and speak and discuss things I never imagined in 6th grade! We made her remove the video chat, but as soon as she went to her mother's she loaded it back on and is doing it late at night from her bedroom.

Please share any stories or guidelines you have in place for your children and the use of social medias and internet....

[Dantilla]

Tough to keep up. I'm just glad my daughter has so far been so well behaved, and hangs out with the good crowd. Still pretty amazing what goes on in high school these days.

As parents, we want to shower our children with all kinds of fun stuff and coddle them, but our JOB is to prepare them to stand on their own feet when we are not there.

I like this: "Our job is not to prepare a path for our children.
Our job is to prepare our children for the path they will face when we are not there."

You're doing the right thing.

[Instrument 41]

Yeah I am a mean parent and sometimes othere descriptions as well. Its hard to discipline kids today in the same manner as when I was growing up. But still theree is no grey area, its black or white. We had an issue with our 12 year old being on the phone is his room after he was reminded that after 10 there are no in bound or outbound calls. So I went to the base station and unplugged it and just waited till he came back in the room. Fireworks, after the explosion he lost all screen time for a week. So yeah I'm mean but he has an issue with what no means, without an explanation.

[pwd72s]

I was a "mean parent"...thankfully before social media and the net became "big"...

[look 171]

I am not looking forward to it. How did we ever get through it with our parents. I spank my kid twice in the market the otherday while waiting in line. Some young guy made a common about child abuse. I blew up at him because my kid does not need to hear this crap when I am doing my "mean" parents thing. I know it was a bad example in front of my kid, but I wanted to kill this fooker. Because of this butthead, my kid will now think it is not ok to discipline him.

[Oh Haha]

Oh yeah, according to our kids, we are mean parents. Eh, whatever.

My kids are 8 and 5.5 so the social media thing isn't an issue.

Manners, chores, and bedtimes are what we are working on.

I'm sort of hoping that FB and other social sites are shutdown by the time my daughter takes an interest in them.

[Jim Bremner]

I'm a D.I.C.K.





Dad

In

Control of

Kids.

[Hugh R]

You need to ask her mother what is wrong with her. And ask/tell her mom that if she is doing this to somehow get at you, she shouldn't be using her daughter as a pawn.

[Bobbi66]

Originally Posted by Jim Bremner

I'm a D.I.C.K.





Dad

In

Control of

Kids.

I love it!!!

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Hugh R

You need to ask her mother what is wrong with her. And ask/tell her mom that if she is doing this to somehow get at you, she shouldn't be using her daughter as a pawn.

Bobbi, Hugh is right. And tell your husband to get off the couch and lend a hand.

[rattlsnak]

Originally Posted by Hugh R

You need to ask her mother what is wrong with her. And ask/tell her mom that if she is doing this to somehow get at you, she shouldn't be using her daughter as a pawn.

Good luck with that. I have a similiar situation whereas I have boundries for my 13 yo daughter, but when she goes home, her mother says it fine to do all the things i wont let her do at my house. Guess what? She doesnt want to come over much anymore. Tried talking to the ex about it, but that got nowhere...

[Zeke]

If setting the lines and then doing what I said I was going to do if they were crossed is mean, I was mean. Sold the boy's 914, which was really mine but he and his mom were driving it (he more than my wife), in less than a day after he was caught drinking in it.

In fact, it was gone before he got home from school the next afternoon. Nobody much questioned my "what if's."

[12own911]

I was under the impression that fb required kids to be over 13. If so, I would remove them from all systems and keep doing if she comes back with them back on. I would also talk to Mom about it. But I would have dad talk to mom first then I would talk there after. Try to make mom understand your concerns.

[Bobbi66]

I am my husband"s support team. He is absolutely beside himself with this situation. When we first learned of a FB account on her mother's computer this fall, he immediately asked her to share the password because both parents have the right to monitor any of these accounts. She replied with a f*** you, tell your daughter to tell you! It is unfortunate that the mother is more concerned with "getting back" at her daughter's father than having her daughter's well-being her top priority. I don't have my own children but I can't imagine having a parenting style that doesn't teach your child about character, morals, values and most importantly, integrity. My husband's sole purpose of being is to make sure his daughter has a stable, secure life. He has moved leaving his business, home, family behind so his daughter has a constant in her life!

[Teutonics]

11 y.o. daughter, and she's the "only one" who doesn't have a FB account. Sorry, not going to happen until it is allowed by the rules (I think it is 12?).

She just got an iPhone, but it was an unexpected reward for her having straight A's through the 2nd reporting period (and she has 4 advanced classes). Phone NEVER goes to her room, and there is no data plan on it (so no internet unless wi-fi). We had her sign a usage contract (list of our rules), and it will be gone if any of the criteria is broken or not met (as specified in the contract).

She's a good kid, but even good kids need boundaries.

D.I.C.K.? Maybe...

[Zeke]

Originally Posted by Bobbi66

I am my husband"s support team. ..........................................My husband's sole purpose of being is to make sure his daughter has a stable, secure life. He has moved leaving his business, home, family behind so his daughter has a constant in her life!

I will suggest that the 11 YO's foundation has been cast. Guidance as to what is acceptable and what to accept is in her hands more than you may realize.

As was stated in another thread today about the selling of a car, behavior is is the leading influence. If you and your husband take the high road, hopefully she will too. Creating a war over some smut that is everywhere to see is not helpful to this little girl.

I could go on all night about this having raised 2 stepkids, but I won't. There will be plenty more you won't agree with between you guys and them. It isn't the daily stuff that guides kids as much as it is the span.

[imcarthur]

Originally Posted by rattlsnak

She doesnt want to come over much anymore.

In my limited experience, this is a natural occurrence in the teen years. They need one place as a social hub. And of course, it has to be near school & friends but given that, it will often be the place with the loosest rules.

As for the limiting of technology? Good luck with that guys. We can't encourage & deny in the same breath. Maybe a little steering is in order but good luck with that as well because when the bedroom door is shut they will experiment. Just like we did in different ways.

Ian

[mikester]

I'm mean - or at least my kids think so. I think I mean what I say and say what I mean.

We have a 3 and 7 year old. My 7 year old is 'challenging.' We have recently discovered something called 'love and logic' and think it is fantastic. It's made a real difference in the way we parent.


My Mom has a step son and his 'real' mom is much like what you describe. The differences between my Mom and her Husband's household rules and his Mom's really seems to turn the boy into a manipulative prick. Bouncing back and forth really is a problem - he gets validation for his poor behavior for a week. Then he gets none so he escalates his bad behavior and when he goes back to her he regains his validation. It's an unfortunate situation and in time the child will either realize that their life sucks because of the permissive 'friend/parent' and have plenty to regret in life or they will realize they are on the wrong path and move closer to your husband because he is stable. Unfortunately kids by definition lack the wisdom to know the difference between what is right and what it is easy.

[Danimal16]

Never had kids of my own. But got some of the stubborn ones when I was a young company commander or OIC. These were the ones that knew it all and probably had few boundaries. WHENEVER I had one of these, I used their fire-team and squad members to keep them in line. The second line of crap they pulled, I held their fire team and than their squad to account for them. They always seemed to come around.

[paulgtr]

not sure if we are mean parents yet, our daughter is only two.
I just try to explain why I'm saying no, and let her cry and not change my stance on things.
hopefully she'll get the message soon enough and not cry every single time we say no!