Conversations with the Wife.
 

Having been recruited into anchoring the tape measure to hang prints in the hallway.

Wife: "Hold the end against the corner for me and I'll measure it out."
Me: "OK"
Wife (walking down the hall with the measure): "We need 2 meters, 24. Are we there yet?"
Me: "Well, at my end it says zero".

Wife: Happy Anniversary
Me: Yeah, I can't believe I've put up with your s*** for fifteen years
Wife: (with a horrified voice) is that all it's been

Gotta love a woman who is fluent in sarcasm

GF bought some motorcycling gloves online from Revzilla. We were a little concerned about the fit.

As she tried them on I asked how do they fit? With a big grin on her face she said "They fit like a glove."

My wife and I are both detail OCD'ers. There can never be any simple task in or around our household with-out initial consultation, planning, staging, then hopefully execution. Something a s simple as hanging a picture requires from concept to completion on the scale of a middle-Eastern invasion

But to chalk one up for the wife...
She asked me:
"You look like a man lost"
I asked:
"Do you want to know what I am thinking?"
She exclaimed:
"No. Your mind is a dangerous place"

I could hold her at fault for asking the initial question, since she knew the answer all along, but I decided not to push the point. I was just proud she knew the punchline!

Just this afternoon;
My wife decided she was going to help mow the lawn. She got on the mower and rode around a while, then came in and told me the blades were set too high. I went out to look, and she had been "mowing" without the blade clutch engaged. I reminded her that she had to engage the blade clutch in order to cut grass.
Her - "I bet you think I'm stupid, don't you."
Me - "Umm ..."
Her - "I've been under a lot of stress."
Me - "I know sweetheart, it could happen to anyone." (trying unsuccessfully not to laugh)
Her - "You *******." (laughing)
We end up laughing so hard we can't stop.
I love this woman.

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my wife is..well you know.

if i ask her to help me check my blindspot:

"honey, is it clear?"

"yes..(pause) ..there's a car there, you're not clear"

lessoned learned..

A follow up to said hanging picture:

"You get the level"
"Both?"
"No, no need for the laser, just the stick"
"I got the tape (measuring)"
"That one's not long enough"
"It is if we're measuring vertically"
"But we need to measure length"
"So I'll get the big one"
"Should it go here or here?"
" I like it there"
" Me - not so much"
" Prolly should use expanding drywall screws"
"No, they won't hold, need to use the more aggressive cork-screw kind"
" No, they leave too large a hole when removed"
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Girl Friend years ago: If you don't drink any more tonight, you might get LUCKY.

ME: The operative word is MIGHT. I'm going with a sure thing; I'll have a drink and upgrade to a DOUBLE...

My friends that have heard the story talk it about it 25 years later....

Her "There's subtitle in this movie"

Me 'Adjust the volume higher, it will be ok!"

her"ok"

Repost, but my favourite 'conversation with wife':

She (returning from shopping trip): I think there's something wrong with my car.
Me: Why?
She: Whenever it rains, the yellow light on the dashboard keeps flickering on and off.
Me: That's a worry, which light?
She: The one with the exclamation sign and the curvy arrow.
Me: Does it tend to happen when you're going around corners?
She: Yeah, it does! How'd you know?
Me: That's the traction control....


SmileWavy

My wife calling about car problems:

She: Hey the car is running funny and there are a couple of lights on the dash
Me: Which ones are they?
She: I don't know, one is red
Me: What do they look like?
She: One is a picture of a house with a chimney and wavy lines.
Me:...?
She: The other one is a yellow dot next to a gauge with a thermometer.
Me: How high is the gauge?
She: All the way up.
Me: How long has it been like this?
She: At least a few miles now, but I'm almost home.
Me: Well the car is screwed anyway, might as well get it in the garage.

What happened was, a (plastic) radiator fitting sheared off so it quickly ran out of coolant and gave her a red picture of a house on the dash.
https://www.volvoclub.org.uk/faq/Ima...oolantLamp.gif
The temperature gauge pegged and the car overheated, and when I replaced the radiator all that was left was about one measuring cup worth of coolant. I have no idea how the car survived, but 7 years later it's still fine.

I dropped my wife off at Tire Man in Thousand Oaks to pick up her car after getting new tires for her 997. When she got in she saw the invoice on the front seat...$1800+. She got home and confronted me with her serious face and said...

Wife: "$1800 for tires! Is that what you're spending on those race car tires that get dropped off every month!!!???"
Me: "Not even close Baby. Race car tires don't have any tread or steel belts, and don't require DOT approval. They're only good for one weekend, not 30,000 miles. They're cheap".
Wife: "Oh, that makes sense"

Once again, all was well on the home front.

oh boyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

Wow. I wouldn't and couldn't lie to my wife like that.

I will bet that twice or more of the posters wives on here could tell better stories!
It's an area that they excel in...not us. :)

I'm too slow to even understand that lie.


Sent via Jedi mind trick.

A friend's wife was taking pictures at our going away party in CA and she had a Canon A series camera and it wasn't rotating the pictures in the view screen and she was complaining. I told her she was using gravity wrong and she said Oh.

A friends wife... VERY good looking so I guess she doesn't need brains.

We were on a skiing trip and she put her hand out the car window and said "Oh no, it's really windy - won't be any good for skiing." A short while later she looked at the speedo and said "40 liters, a short time ago it said 80 liters, we're not going to make it there."

met a married couple for dinner.

pulled into a garage at the same time. he was backing his Tundra into a spot and his wife got out to help him back in. they were slowly going back she said.."slow..slow, you have about a foot left"..he inches back and makes contact..he jumps out and says, "i thought you said i had a foot left!!"

she said.."well, i get confused, you said "this" was six inches" (she had her fingers about 3" apart)

we laughed...and then i had to explain it to my G-rated wife.

Funny!!

She is usually pretty sharp. Their daughter and ours are still pretty good friends.

Dude, you're my new hero . . .

For blatantly lying to his wife? What is wrong with you people??

It's called "being a survivalist."

Mr. Do-gooder, its not a lie. Slicks don't have tread and are not DOT approved. They ARE only good for one weekend, not 30K miles...And are MUCH cheaper than Michelin Pilot Sport PS2's. $300 cheaper! It was the absolute truth, just phrased in a particular way and to defuse the situation. ;)

Please tell me what part of my statement was a lie.

1. Of course slicks have treads. The treads just don't have grooves in them. Tires without treads would be useless.

2. The difference between ~$1800 and ~$1500 does not equate to "MUCH" cheaper. The slicks are a little cheaper. Ask your wife if ~$1500 for a set of tires that last one weekend are "MUCH" cheaper than the Michelins you just had put on her car.

Spin it anyway you want, but you purposely misled (lied to) your wife and think you are so clever for getting away with it.

I do indeed! I wish I could find a way too spin fishing gear. She knows what that costs.

When I started racing, my wife encouraged me to spend freely on safety gear. The big joke turned into how anything for racing is "safety", no matter how convoluted the reasoning.

Race tires are for safety. Don't want to spin into the weeds at triple-digit speeds, do we?

I remember some time ago one of our guys had an expensive set of slick Hoosiers fitted to his 911. He offered to take one of the ladies for a lap around the track but she replied "No way would I ride in a car with tires that bald." LOL

One of the blonde to the core women my wife worked with had what we still today call "Sue-isms"

My favorite was one she mentioned to my my wife: The morning after a thunderstorm came through the area the night before she said "We had a lot of thunder last night, but at least we did not have any lightning!" We still quote that at home after a large clap of thunder.

When my wife and I first married, we tried to assign chores based more on who did them well rather than gender bias.

Problem was, over time, she kept arguing how I did all the chores so much better than she, that I should be doing all of them.

Hm.

Untwist your knickers, vato. Not for "lying" to his wife, though I don't believe he did. For having a snappy, reasonable response to her question and the skill to defuse the situation.

It was an early Saturday evening. Suddenly we found ourselves with no kids. Some friends had called up and ask if our kids could come over for sleep over.
They came by and picked up the kids and I told the wife I'll go out and rent a movie.
I came home, got a beer from the fridge and poured her a glass of wine.
Wife: I'm gonna go put on something more comfortable. (as she walks into the bedroom)
Me: (I shout out) Put on a cute nightie.
Wife: What?
Me: A cute nightie.
Wife: What are you talking about?
Me: (expression on my face) Are you serious??!!
Wife: I don't know what you mean?
Me: T-shirt and panties will work!!!
She comes out of the bedroom wearing flannel pjs.
Wife: What were you talking about?
Me: Never mind.
Now we're half way through the movie and haven't said a word to each other. She puts the movie on pause and says...
Wife: What's Q90?
Me: I have no idea. Why? What is it?
Wife: You told me to put on Q90.
Me: (laughing) I didn't say Q90, I said CUTE NIGHTIE!
We both get a good laugh out of it and watch the rest of the movie all cuddled up.
That was years ago, to this day we still laugh about Q90.

Today my wife leaves the office for a late lunch and phones me

Wife: Red, it's 105 in the car!
Me: You sure? it doesn't seem that hot out here
Wife: Oh wait, it's 1:05...PM