"super" parenting.

[sammyg2]

Originally Posted by arcsine

Here at a university, they are not called helicopter parents, they are called road-grader parents.

I had one caring parent that called and ripped the department chair and department manager apart because their precious pre-med daughter had not taken/passed a required safety quiz for a lab class. The department caved and gave the precious little one another chance which she failed. She was given yet another chance at the same quiz which she barely passed.

Methinks med school is a bit out of the kids reach or a great big wake up call.

About 10 years ago the company I worked for hired an engineer straight out of school.
IIRC he gradumacated from a respected private university in the Houston area.
His starting salary was in the $80k/year range, and he was working at a $5 Billion facility.
Less than a year later his mother called his boss and demanded an explanation for why her son had not been promoted to a management position. He had not even received his first performance evaluation and she wanted to know why he wasn't part of the leadership team.

He worked here about 2-1/2 years before leaving for other opportunities, not sure what role mommy played in that.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by legion

A friend of mine didn't go to college and his whole ambition in life was to work at the install bay at Best Buy and drink and smoke as he pleased.

When he turned 25, was told by his parents that he would have to pay $400 a month rent on his bedroom. He was so angry with them, he moved out. He couldn't afford a place on his own, so he got two roommates and split the cost. It cost him way more than $400 a month and he couldn't afford to drink and smoke as he pleased. Over the next two years, he went from install bay technician to install bay manager, to section manager to store manager. Then he decided that Best Buy wasn't paying him enough, so he jumped over to Circuit City as store manager. He decided that retail sucked and went to work for Blaupunkt (Bosch) building SEMA show cars. Then he decided he didn't want to be on the road all the time so he started writing manuals for Bosch. Then he hit a brick wall and realized he wasn't going to get promoted anymore without a college degree. So he went to night school on his own dime (his parents had offered to pay for 4 years of college 10 years earlier). Along the way, he met a girl, got married and had two kids. He finished his degree and went to work for Motorola. Now he has a security clearance and designs secure communication systems and manages their installation and lives in a nice house in the suburbs with his wife and two kids.

15 years after his a parents asked him for $400 a month in rent, that act is still a sore subject with him. I can't help but think that things ended up working out WAY better than his parents ever possibly imagined.

Great story with a funny ending. Kudos to him for getting his schit together, but not for missing the fact that if his parent's hadn't done that, he probably wouldn't be where he is today. If that had been me, I'd certainly look back and would be thanking my parents if I were him.

He may have eventually gotten his crap together anyway, but he'd have started out much later which would probably have made a big difference in so many ways.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by sammyg2

About 10 years ago the company I worked for hired an engineer straight out of school.
IIRC he gradumacated from a respected private university in the Houston area.
His starting salary was in the $80k/year range, and he was working at a $5 Billion facility.
Less than a year later his mother called his boss and demanded an explanation for why her son had not been promoted to a management position. He had not even received his first performance evaluation and she wanted to know why he wasn't part of the leadership team.

He worked here about 2-1/2 years before leaving for other opportunities, not sure what role mommy played in that.

Hahahahah, ROFLMAO. If I was the boss, that would have been a VERY short conversation. It may have gone something like the scene from "The Last Samurai". "I have introduced myself. You have introduced yourself. This has been a very good conversation."

[Ronbo]

When I was still working for CIA we had a new hire that was fairly timid and definitely not aggressive throughout his first year. He pretty much just did the minimum required. When he didn't get a promotion after his review his mother called his supervisor, and then manager, to argue about it. I felt sorry for him as she didn't do him any favors.


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[Bob Kontak]

Originally Posted by sammyg2

He's got a linked-in page and all sorts of stuff like that, and if I tried to get involved and help he'd say "it's OK, I got this".

That has to be a good feeling.

I posted about my daughter and her search for a nicer used car. We went out looking and she flat out said "I can't afford this and need to save more" The end. Still putzing around in the beater saving money. Sweet.

[onewhippedpuppy]

A crusty old construction guy I used to work with always said, "kids are yours until they turn 13, after that you find out how bad you effed up". I always thought that sounded about right.

[legion]

New York man, 30, is ordered to vacate parents' home after refusing to leave for months | Fox News

A 30-year-old man was outraged Tuesday when a judge ordered him to vacate his parents' home. The order came after a monthslong effort by the couple to get him to leave their* New York residence.

Michael Rotondo appeared in court for 30 minutes Tuesday after his parents, Christina and Mark Rotondo, filed a petition in the Supreme Court of New York State claiming they’ve had enough of their son living under their roof, Syracuse.com reported.

State Supreme Court Justice Donald Greenwood praised the son for doing his legal research and citing a “common law requirement” that required family members to give a six-month notice before eviction.

However, Greenwood called it a simple internet search and said the six-month demand was “outrageous.” Michael, in turn, called the eviction order “outrageous.” He continued to slam the judge’s order outside the courtroom, the report stated.
...
Michael said in court on Tuesday his parents didn’t support him when it came to food and laundry — only with a place to live. He said he believed the judge didn’t fully read the case and vowed to appeal the decision.

The parents’ lawyer said the couple was hoping for a court order that the sheriff’s deputies could enforce.

No specific move-out date was provided in court on Tuesday, however the parents’ lawyer said it would be a reasonable enough time for Michael to move out.

[DanielDudley]

Originally Posted by sammyg2

I see that same kind of behavior and it makes me shake my head. I think they call it helicopter parents. I don't get it.
Giving a kid everything and doing all his thinking for him keeps him from thinking for himself.

My son just completed his first year in engineering school (2 months early) and is actively pursuing an internship and has a couple of promising leads.
I mentioned that my company has an internship program and if he'd like i could find out some info on it. He said he already checked into it, they target a few select schools and have a waiting list but he applied anyway.

He's got a linked-in page and all sorts of stuff like that, and if I tried to get involved and help he'd say "it's OK, I got this".

That doesn't mean you can't put in a word for him. I'm sure your word has weight.

[sammyg2]

Originally Posted by DanielDudley

That doesn't mean you can't put in a word for him. I'm sure your word has weight.

I have, I just didn't tell him about it
As much as you guys are sick of me going on about him, just think what my co-workers have to put up with!

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by masraum

That's one thing, but if something like that is an issue, then the parents need to lead with "I'm here because...." especially if the "child" is of college age and trying to get a job as a professional (or in a professional workplace).

I suspect there are parents that are just doing it wrong, probably more than there are parents in your position.

There is no manual on how to deal with this stuff.

I don't know what was going on with this kid or his Dad but the last thing a parent wants to do is stand there and say "here's my kid, he's different....." and it's the last the kid wants to hear.

Trust me, the kid knows it and he's quite because he does not want to draw attention to himself so calling it out just makes it worse which as a parent is probably the worst part of it all.

And yes, we have to tell them to do certain things like look at the server and speak to them, not us, when we are out at dinner. Or to shake someones hand. And we have to tell them over and over because they just don't process it on their own.

Yeah maybe the Dad is handling it wrong, but like I said, these kids don't come with instructions manuals and most of us are winging it because some days are better than others and we are constantly adjusting on the fly.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by vash

kudos to your family.

but i think this is a vastly different topic altogether.

Well with respect to your coworkers kid, it's possible that is the topic.

From the limited description it fits a couple of possibilities.

[vash]

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

Well with respect to your coworkers kid, it's possible that is the topic.

From the limited description it fits a couple of possibilities.

no. they came back older dude is not the dad. he is a neighbor i think.

kid has a stellar GPA.

[PorscheGAL]

Universities are not helping:

My son will be starting college in the fall. The universities say they want the kids to be independent but want parents to attend orientation with their kids. They do say there are different schedules but why?

[Gus Berges]

@ stomachmonkey: I feel your pain. I have twins that were born prematurely. It has been an uphill battle even before they were born when my wife spent two months in the hospital due to pregnancy complications. Nearly 16 years later, we are still struggling with their challenges: ADHD, Dyscalculia, Dysexecutive syndrome, and working memory challenge.

That said, my wife and I have made every effort to make them "self sustainable" and many other parents look up to us due to our parenting skills as they will readily admit that they have spoiled their kids. Ours may not be the "sharpest tool in the shed", but they more than make up for it in other aspects of life that may bring them independence: courteous, friendly, outgoing, well mannered, educated, etc. One of them has developed an innate sense/being regarding sales (I'm a sales professional). The other has more challenges, but we have made it clear that it is up to him and him alone to get what he wants.

To the rest of the readers, yes, there is a TON of examples of helicopter parents, spoiled brats, "entitled" attitude, etc. I do worry for what the future generation may bring as it is the generation that my kids will be part of. As you perfectly pointed out: "There is no manual on how to deal with this stuff". I will readily admit that I have been fortunate enough to enjoy a "comfortable" life based on my own merits, but I have also made it very clear to my twins that if they want the material things that I have gotten, it all depends on them, as my wife and I will not simply "gift" them things. At the end of the day, material stuff comes and goes, I'm more concerned about the person they will become.

[stomachmonkey]

Originally Posted by vash

no. they came back older dude is not the dad. he is a neighbor i think.

kid has a stellar GPA.

FWIW, my son has a stellar GPA.

It’s not a function of intelligence.

In fact, a high GPA would indicate above average intelligence which is something you typically find with kids on the spectrum which makes me think even more that’s what you were dealing with, combined with a well meaning but maybe not so astute neighbor.

[Bob Kontak]

Originally Posted by stomachmonkey

High functioning Aspergers.

Kid is kindest, sweetest compassionate soul you'll meet and he's smart, funny, makes me smile a 100 x's a day.

But he is nearly virtually incapable of social interaction.

His skills will improve.

Previous neighbor has Aspergers. Nicest guy you could meet with a good job. Restored a Datsun 1600 Roadster. Nicest crib on the cul-de-sac. Just some ideosyncratic oddities at 60+ that are by no means inflammatory. Once you know him it's no biggie and you embrace the friendship.

He sells securities. He may piss some off but not all if he's thriving.

I have an odd ball sense of humor. Some times I piss people off with the dryness but that is the cost of being different.

[Don Plumley]

My 28 year old is on the spectrum. There were some very rough years. We (I mean my wife) home schooled him through High School. Then bang - he blossomed. Two tech degrees and today he's living in Dallas with his girlfriend of 10 years, doing great at his job as a Sys Admin. We prodded him into his first job (but never went on interviews or any of that rotary wing stuff), but after that this is all on him. I'm so proud I'm in tears thinking about it. To meet him today you might not notice, but we do, especially when he's let his guard down around family. I'm happy to chat offline with any of you with younger kids with Asperger's/Spectrum. There can be a happy ending to the story.

When our daughter was looking for a serving job in NYC, we are super-well connected there. Could help her land an interview with a phone call. Instead, we said, "This one is on you. You are unproven and unknown to the industry. Go show them what you are made of and if it works like we think it will, then we can help open doors for the next job." Since then she's done it all on her own too, and I'm proud that both kids have long been off my payroll. That's why they get to go on kick-ass holidays together.

They don't pass out a handbook on how to raise kids - and each kid is so different. Knowing when to push, when to hold back - it's a lot like teaching them to ride a bike. You gotta take the training wheels off and let them skin a few knees, and some folks just don't have the stomach for that, to the detriment of their kids. The goal of parenting is to raise independent adults. If you are lucky you get to be friends with them as adults and it sure is fun to hang out with people you love and admire.

[Wetwork]

If I were to point out one specific trend I've noticed that leads to all these super parenting issues it's mostly the mothers who have no line between being a parent and being a best buddy.

I don't know how or why this happened but at some point in the last twenty years moms switched from trying to raise a child to trying to be best friends with their kids. Raising a child to hang out with, party with, sharing adult problems with.

If I had to blame someone it would be the dad at that point for not filling the friendship role well enough with the spouse. Or getting the wife out enough to find adult friends of her own.

It seems like if there isn't a actual team effort on the part of the parents, one or the other parent tries to grow a adult buddy out of a kid who isn't a adult yet. Of course every situation is different but it just seems like if you wanted to cookie cutter a common problem I see, it's a factor.-WW

[legion]

Wetwork, that has been going on for more than 20 years. I remember seeing it in the 80's in Southern California and the 90's in the Chicago Suburbs. It's just probably become the majority of parents in the last 20 years.

I first saw the child/friend thing with divorced parents (and I saw it from dads too) who wanted to win affection by being their kid's friend. Next I saw it from working parents who didn't want to do the discipline thing and wanted their limited time with their kids to always be "fun". Finally, you see it from everyone else because it's so hard to discipline your kids and far easier to give in.

[onewhippedpuppy]

I see the "parent as a friend" problem with moms and dads, just depends on the situation. I hope my kids still like me when they are adults, but first priority is pushing them to become the best people possible and preparing them for life.