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austin552 austin552 is offline
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Join Date: Nov 2004
Location: Kinston, NC/ Casa Grande, AZ
Posts: 4,769
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I got my driver's license photo taken out of focus on purpose. Now when I get
pulled over the cop looks at it (moving it nearer and farther, trying to see it
clearly)...and says, "Here, you can go." -- Steven Wright

The judge asked, "What do you plead?" I said, "Insanity, your honour, who in
their right mind would park in the passing lane?" -- Steven Wright

When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot,
then sit in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
-- Steven Wright

Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone...when I came back the entire area
was missing. -- Steven Wright

I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, "Steven, time to
go to sleep." I said, "But I don't know how." She said, "It's real easy.
Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left." So I went down to the end
of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and
she said "I thought I told you to go to sleep." -- Steven Wright

I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's
going to be up all night. -- Steven Wright

When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I
said, "No, I made a few mistakes." -- Steven Wright

I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering. -- Steven Wright

One night I walked home very late and fell asleep in somebody's satellite dish.
My dreams were showing up on TV's all over the world. -- Steven Wright

My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over
there and write misspelled words on them. -- Steven Wright

I got up one morning and couldn't find my socks, so I called Information. She
said, "Hello, Information." I said, "I can't find my socks." She said,
"They're behind the couch." And they were! -- Steven Wright

I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and
said, "Hey, you have two different colored socks on." I said, "Yeah, I know,
but to me they're the same because I go by thickness." -- Steven Wright

I bought a self learning record to learn Spanish. I turned it on and went to
sleep; the record got stuck. The next day I could only stutter in Spanish.
-- Steven Wright

I was going to tape some records onto a cassette, but I got the wires
backwards. I erased all of the records. When I returned them to my friend, he
said, "Hey, these records are all blank." -- Steven Wright

Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He
caught every other fish. -- Steven Wright

There's a fine line between fishing and standing on the shore looking like an
idiot. -- Steven Wright

I bought a dog the other day...I named him Stay. It's fun to call him...
"Come here, Stay! Come here, Stay!" He went insane. Now he just ignores me
and keeps typing. -- Steven Wright

I put contact lenses in my dog's eyes. They had little pictures of cats on
them. Then I took one out and he ran around in circles. -- Steven Wright

The other day, I was walking my dog around my building...on the ledge. Some
people are afraid of heights. Not me, I'm afraid of widths. -- Steven Wright

I spilled spot remover on my dog. He's gone now. -- Steven Wright

If you're not part of the solution, you're part of the precipitate.
-- Steven Wright

[Referring to a glass of water:] I mixed this myself. Two parts H, one part O.
I don't trust anybody! -- Steven Wright

They say we're 98% water. We're that close to drowning...[picks up his glass
of water from the stool]...I like to live on the edge... -- Steven Wright

I bought some powdered water, but I don't know what to add to it.
-- Steven Wright

I was born by Caesarian section...but not so you'd notice. It's just that when
I leave a house, I go out through the window. -- Steven Wright

When I was little, my grandfather used to make me stand in a closet for five
minutes without moving. He said it was elevator practice. -- Steven Wright

I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You
couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go
by. -- Steven Wright
__________________
1974 911s

"It smelled like German heaven"
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6ySt9SeZl9s

Last edited by austin552; 12-06-2005 at 10:46 PM..
Old 12-06-2005, 10:40 PM
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