[svandamme]

1. Never use the word "Dutch" in front of a Hollander. It reminds him too much of the word "Deutsch" which is a word for Germans and other things he doesn't like. A Dutchman is a Hollander or a Nederlander.


2. Never ever try to speak Hollands even if you have lived in Holland for more than five years. Not only will it give you a splitting headache but also Hollanders won't understand a single word of what you are trying to say. Foreigners are expected to speak English or gibberish. Speaking gibberish they are easy prey for pickpockets since they can't make a report to the police.

3. Also never try to eat "drop". Drop is a kind of licorice that only Hollanders can eat. It can be recognized by its colour: black. The taste is a cross between printer ink (blue) and earwax. Hollanders absolutely love it and eat kilos of the revolting stuff. There is a nationwide conspiracy to look at the faces of foreigners who are tricked into believing it is edible.

4. Do not buy wooden shoes. They will look absolutely silly on you. Which is of course the main reason for selling them to you in the first place. A Hollander himself wouldn't like to be found dead in them. (As a matter of fact, they wouldn't like to be found dead at all)

5. Do not make holes in dikes. Behaviour like that is not only frowned upon but in certain cases can get you stoned to death with wooden shoes by an angry mob. You may feel free however to stick a finger in any dike you like. It'll get you a few good laughs from the natives.

6. A Hollander is always right and he knows it. With this in the back of your mind it is easy to deal with most of them. If ever you get into an argument with a Hollander, tell him that he is absolutely right and that you see the error of your ways. This will drive him absolutely crazy: Since you are a foreigner you can't be right. You agree with him. Therefore he also cannot be right. Impossible! He is a Hollander.
But.. why.. he.. At this point you may want to stand back and watch him try to strangle himself with a tulip.

7. Windmills are unavoidable.


8. It is not necessary to show an interest in tulips, windmills, wooden shoes or cheese. Every Hollander knows that you came for the softdrugs or the Amsterdam red light district, the Walletjes. Both are available in a large quantity and are easy to find. Ask any Hollander age six or older or any French tourist (see items 19 & 20)

9.Avoid fans of soccer games at all cost. Soccer in Holland is merely an excuse used for bashing in the brains of just about everyone else, including yours, after the game is won. ...Or lost...Or if it is a draw. It is also very unwise to stand near a policeman during these festivities. (see item 10) Also, whenever there's a Hollander around: "Don't mention the 1974 Worldcup soccer-final against Germany in Germany with their starplayer..the Michael Jordan of Soccer Johan Cruijff". You'll end up in an ongoing discussion about how well the Orange team played and how marvellous it is that a small country like
Holland has such a good team and blah-de-blah-de-blah.

10. Policemen in Holland may be used for throwing things at. If you feel like hitting someone or something, use a policeman. No Hollander will pay any attention if you decide to hit, maim, or kick a policeman in the groin. Policemen represent authority and no Hollander recognizes any authority higher than himself. You may also note that a lot of Hollandse policemen are in fact foreigners tricked into taking the job.

11. Hollanders do not like to spend money, they'd sooner cut off their own ears. A Hollander will become a friend for life if you give him something for free. (Note: Social diseases are an exception) This might explain the success of MacDonald's in Holland. The story that copper wire is an invention of two Hollanders fighting over a found cent is absolutely true.

12. Holland is small. There is a rumour that Holland is put inside during rainstorms. Not true, but that is mainly because it rains about 365 days each year. This might also explain those wooden shoes: They float. Yes, Holland is small and Hollanders are proud of it. They will grab every opportunity to point out to you that the nation has accomplished great things, despite of it being so small. A suitable answer to this swank is the Hollander's imperialistic past. Wich brings us -rather nicely- to item 13.

13. If you wish to insult a Hollander -and sooner or later you will - simply tell him you don't think he is a pacifist. Now immediately start running for your life. He'll want to prove to you that he is a peace loving person and he won't stop proving this until your intestines are scattered all over the floor. However, mentioning a supposedly imperialistic past considering Surinam and/or Indonesia, will instantly reduce a Hollander to a pathetic, sniffing and crying child, begging for forgiveness.

14. The Hollanders are supposed to be tolerant. They are not. They simply make too much money from the sale of soft- and hard-drugs, Malaysian women and pornography to foreigners to let an opportunity for making a good profit go by.

15. The main form of public transportation in Holland is bikes. Feel free to take any bike of which you are able to pick the lock. Don't expect your own bike however to be where you left it three minutes earlier. The hunting season for bikes is open 365 days a year. Have fun.