Take a circular saw and cut the 8' piece into 8 12"x12" squares. Throw 7 of those into the fireplace.
Take the last piece and balance it on top of the door.
Now go get the phonebook and find the nearest lumber yard.
On the way out the piece of wood on the door should fall and leave a nice bump on your head. That will serve as a reminder that you can't make an 8'6" length of board out of an 8' piece of wood.
Unless you have a wood stretcher.
