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Honestly, IMO that's way, way over the top and too much. Too wordy, too rambling. These are 8 and 9 year old babies kicking a soccer ball around. Any writing, as you know, needs to be appropriate to the context and audience.
I'd be scratching my head if I got that letter from an 8/9 yo girls soccer coach. Somewhat strange.
(And there's a bunch of typos, too).
As far as changing the letter, I don't think you need any letter. What extra "commitment" are you asking for? I assume you can't really drop players or add additional players, so what is the purpose of the letter?
If you want to have extra practices, I'd just tell the parents about it and encourage them to have their kids attend.
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