Relocating With Kids?

[onewhippedpuppy]

At an interesting crossroads here, and as always appreciate the advice and feedback from the braintrust. A little history, my wife and I moved to Wichita with our then infant son in 2005 for me to finish college in Aerospace Engineering, with the intent of staying put based on the strong local aerospace industry. In the meantime I finished school, we had two more kids, and the local aerospace industry tanked in 2008 and never really recovered.

Professionally I haven't been on a great path since I was laid off from an aircraft OEM in 2008 when they were acquired by a competitor. I'm sure some of you recall that saga, I received some great support and feedback from this forum during that difficult time. Since then I've built some great diverse experience but haven't really been in a role that has inspired any passion or played to my strengths. Current role is a again a good position from the standpoint of diversifying my resume, work/life balance, and very fair compensation, but with very little upward mobility and fairly mundane work. It has given me the ability to finish my MBA, which will be done in the spring. Long story short, personally speaking I would relocate in a heartbeat for a position that is more aligned with my strengths/interests and that would present the opportunity to advance.

Personally has always been the obstacle, at least until now. Quick set up, kids are 8, 11, and 14, all doing well in school, sports, and socially. Oldest is starting high school this year. I like to say that Wichita is a small big town, many people were born here, grew up here, and now live in the same neighborhoods and send their kids to the same schools that they attended. In short, it's a hard place to move into and build close friendships, as many people are still running with the same crowd they grew up with. We have many casual friends, but few that are really close. My wife and I have another couple that we are very close friends with, and have been for 10 years. We just found out last night that they have chosen to send their son to another high school for a number of academic, social, and athletic reasons that could constitute another thread. They are concerns that my wife and I 100% share and have been discussing for months, and that my son has shared on his own accord as we have tried very hard to not jade him. The situation overall has been a real shock to all of us, and led my wife and I to have some "what are we doing" type conversations. The oldest is athletic, smart, good looking, popular, but reserved, he was our biggest concern with regards to relocation. But if he starts thinking in that direction, I'm going to be hard pressed to simply move schools in Wichita.

This is just me talking at this point, I'd like perspective from those who have been there, done that. My 11 year old is super social and outgoing, she would make friends in about 2 seconds. Same goes for my 8 year old, probably even more so. Oldest son plays football, daughter is a gymnast, youngest plays baseball/football/basketball, so all would have great venues to quickly make friends. I can write an abundance of pros/cons to both sides, and am partially having a hard time distinguishing what is real and what is false. Sorry for the long winded post, this is really weighing on us right now.

[onewhippedpuppy]

This is a hard one, they've been playing together since they were 4. QB and running back the entire time.

[vash]

when i was growing up..

people moved. i dont remember much consideration for the kids. (right or wrong)

we moved..and it sucked. but you know what? kids ralllied, made new friends and in a way it was a teachable moment. i learned that nothing is forever. sorry, that is a fact.

they may love it. now as an adult, i still have that hate towards relocation, but i always rally. i thank my upbringing.

[MRM]

Much like putting the oxygen mask on yourself first if your airplane loses pressure, your obligation is to take care of yourself so you can take care of your family. Put yourself in the best possible position to succeed personally, make a national job search, and take the position that offers the best work/life/family/professional opportunity balance. Nice houses in nice cities in nice school districts with dear friends on all sides exist in every state. With great trauma in anticipation of the move but only a modest speed bump after, the family will transition quickly to the new location and your career, and you'll all be the better for it.

[Otter74]

I haven't been there as a parent, but I was there as a kid. I was born in Venezuela and lived in Caracas until we moved to Atlanta around the time I turned 8 and my sister turned 6. That was our one move during our childhood - my mom remained in Atlanta until this spring, and her sister is still there. (My mom moved a lot growing up in Missouri, whereas my dad and his family are all from the same city in Colombia going back generations) It was, obviously, difficult on me and presumably on my sister. One of my concrete memories of that time is the day that my mom told us that we were moving, and my feelings about leaving the only city I'd known, all my friends, etc. My sister was probably a lot like your youngest, whereas I was very introverted and shy and didn't make friends as easily. This was a good move for us as a family for a variety of reasons (including my dad's job), though I do wonder what my childhood would have been like if I had stayed there longer. If you're going to move, I think doing it now would be good for your son - his social milieu will change somewhat when he begins high school, and it will benefit him to spend all, or nearly all, of high school in the same school with the same friends. The younger ones will adjust more easily, I think. Without knowing the details of the social issues you suggest, it sounds to me like they are such that moving to a less insular community would be better for all of you in social terms.

[legion]

I did it twice, but both were before my kids were in school. The first time I went to Georgia to take my dream job. A year later I fled Georgia to get away from my nightmare of a job.

Bloomington sounds like Wichita in a lot of ways. I basically don't have any friends that live in my zip code and the ones that I do have I don't see every year.

As a kid, I moved from Peoria, IL to La Verne, CA, to Wheaton, IL to Carol Stream, IL to Glen Ellyn, IL to Naperville, IL. (The last four moves being in a 1.5 year period.)

[stomachmonkey]

Army brat. Moved every 2-4 years. I loved it.

In a similar situation right now.

Daughter is going off to college this month which leaves us with the boy.

Sophomore in HS this year and socially challenged. He also does not react well to change.

Our current plan is to get down to Austin as soon as possible. Can't wait to GTF out of Dallas.

But the boy is the issue. Even discussing it upsets him and we already know he will have few if any friends if we uproot him today so we are staying put for now. He is 15 and I can count on one hand the number of B-day parties he's been invited to.

I think the advice you need is something only you can give yourself.

You know your kids better than anyone else.

[Deschodt]

I think I moved 14 times before the age of 12, that sure promotes social skills ! I recall some tough first days at school but now I enjoy having had all those experiences.

Our last move was driven by similar reasons as what you're contemplating, work/career opportunities, location of true friends, and also we wanted more exposure to more diversity/culture/scenery for the kids... We did it, and it was not fun *at all*, worst move of my life from a logistics and especially job standpoint (starting over >age 40 can be hard depending on the job market and your sector). For us or them (new everything, the youngest one hates change...) but literally 6 months into it, it was forgotten and everyone is happy, new friends, etc...

We tried to do it before the kids were *too* old because in my personal experience from all those moves (aside from some exceptions) my best friends are people I met/knew from age 14-20... The job market is very good right now so at least on that front you should be OK !

[Don Ro]

I have nothing to offer you, Matt...other than good luck and that you sound like a very conscientious and caring parent.

[fintstone]

We have moved dozens of times. The kids seemed to come out of it pretty well...but we did look very hard for the right schools/neighborhoods (and paid the price in money and commute to work). The last moves were after kids were out of the house. Better money/opportunity...but realize as we near retirement...that grown kids consider where they spent middle/high school or college home and gravitate there...and as a more senior person and my wife retired, we have neither family or friends locally. It is a challenge (especially for my wife) and we are considering moving closer to one of our kids in retirement. Unfortunately, moving gets harder when you get older as well (accumulation of crap, changing doctors, homes, etc.). I have no close friends that i am in touch with and have made none where I live now due to long hours and work-related travel/commute.

My wife's parents moved her in her senior year of high school and she still complains about it 45 years later as if it were yesterday. She did not make new friends or even try. She remembers her old school as heaven and her new school/community as hell. An objective analysis tells me that neither is the case...but it is all about perspective. I live in a rural area now, and there is little opportunity...folks do not do very well unless they leave (just like where i grew up)...service jobs and farming.

[Don Ro]

^^^
My g/f is the daughter of an Air Force officer (deceased)...and she talks often about the trauma of being moved every few years.
Having to suffer through the HS cliques, etc.

[Tobra]

Kids are very resilient.

It is like the opposite of real estate values. Location is secondary. Put a kid in a loving home, does not matter so much where the home is.

[Zeke]

I'm missing something here. Some of your statements are clear as mud. Whatever.

Do you have to move to another school district within Wichita in order to enroll your oldest? If not, then what's the deal? Just do it. As others have stated, do for you, or if applicable, for your wife first.

And if leaving KS is gonna help you in the long and short run, giddy-up. If your oldest son has to try out for a completely new team in another state, I can't think of a better character builder than that. Of course he needs to succeed. Life's a b!tch.

[Baz]

My 2 cents....

However it works out Matt......your kids will adapt.

I know this through personal experience.

Make the decision on what's best for the greater good - and you'll be fine.

Stay strong and remember you are the pack leader.

[ckelly78z]

If not now, when ? Right now would be an ideal time to find something career fulfilling before the kids are in the middle of high school/graduating. With 3 kids spaced 3 years apart for each, it will be a minimum of 10 years before your last is out of the house, and then you will be at an age where employers will look twice before giving someone 50+ a job over a 25 year old.

The hardest decisions usually work out for the best, but it takes courage to make the plunge. Good luck.

[Craig T]

Matt, I was moved around a lot as a kid due to a broken family and parents bouncing my two sisters and I back and forth. I went to three high schools in three years. I suffered socially because of it and have zero friends from high school as an adult. I missed proms and do not attend the reunions of the school I graduated from because I don't know anybody. Life worked out in the end, but I do wish I'd had a healthy high school experience and the lifelong friends.

I lived in the same town from 3 years old until my last year of middle school when my father left us to gamble, drink, and chase women. My mother moved us and I left behind very close friends. I started high school as a new kid in an area exactly how you described. The kids were well established and most were second or third generation in the area. I struggled and hated my parents because of it. Ended up getting in fights and withdrawing. It was even harder for my little sister who was in 8th grade. She became promiscuous and ended up in a bad crowd.

With that said, I don't think it has to end up as badly as it did for us. My mother was not supportive or even involved in our lives after the move. She was struggling to survive on her own and working two jobs. You, on the other hand, have an intact family and a strong sense of good parenting. Your kids have a family circle to feel secure within and to draw a sense of belonging and love from. You also have the financial means to start your kids off in a new social environment in good after school programs and sports...where they quickly meet the good kids with similar interests and involved parents.

Moves in and after middle school are the most difficult on kids, but much harder on girls than boys. Read "Reviving Ophelia" by Mary Pipher Obviously the younger kids are the easier they adjust to a new environment. If your going to do it, now is the time.

When my ex-wife remarried she moved my daughter to AZ (despite my legal efforts to stop it). My daughter was in 10th grade. She struggled meeting new friends (Girls are vicious) and moved back with me in CA a year later lonely and troubled (a therapist gave me Reviving Ophelia). She's 30 now, happy, married, and gave me a grandson, but she calls herself a "nomad" when asked where she's from and has very few friends.

Now that I'm nearing 60, retired, can look back on how short the time is when we actually can influence our kids life and phycological security, and how quickly if flies by, I would have made more sacrifices to assure my daughter's life was stable until she left for college. ...even suffering through six more years with her control freak mother. Once they are out of high school their form is solid. There's still plenty of time for us to change direction after the most influential parenting time is finished.

[wildthing]

Family meeting would be good... It would be an adjustment to say the least.

I've never moved growing up, so can't really tell. But my daughter had to change schools and make new friends at 11. We talked about the whys, and she seemed to understand, and have made new friends.

[Don Ro]

Great post, Craig T.
Best regards,

[fintstone]

Every kid is different. My daughter used each move (took advantage of the attention/ new kid in town) to launch herself higher in the social/school ladder...running immediately for class offices and playing new sports. My son quickly found troubled friends with even lower standards for behavior/school work. Attractiveness and athletic ability seem to bridge gaps and garner quick acceptance. It also helps if kids are not going from a week school to a much stronger one where they are behind and appear slow..as they will be grouped with underachievers...where they will make their friends.

[aigel]

You need to get out of KS IMHO. Someone with your potential should be in a more economically diverse area to maximize their potential, both career and resulting happiness.

I have moved 3 times with my family with children while they were in school. It isn't as big a deal as you think. Kids make new friends quick and the old ones fade quickly as well. When we could help it, we would move when school was up, i.e. between middle school and high school, so all the kids are freshmen anyway.
With electronics now, you also can have them be able to stay in touch with the BFF until they fade. We also always had something as a lure, i.e. get a new piece of play equipment at the new house, or a pool club membership etc.

You have to remind yourself (and your family!) that the family unit is what stays together. A family that is happy together will always strive, moving is not a biggie. Make sure you don't make it a big deal, kids will read you, if you aren't stressed out about it, they won't be.

Keep us posted!

G