STOP WALKING ON EGGSHELLS! have you ever...?
 

How many of you have bene in relationships with friends, family, or perhaps a lover or spouse where you have felt that you have to continually walk on eggshells to keep the peace?

I've had my share and it is in the past never to be repeated.

Ive studied this extensively, but first:

From the he seasoned veterans, what advice would you give to those who are still in it or seek to avoid it?

I decided to not GAF anymore, let the chips fall, and start living life for me.

It's been only four short years but every time I start to do something and say "No I can't", then I say "Yes I actually can".
Feels so good.

I always tell it like it is. People seem to like it. LOL...

There was a time, after our second son was born when my wife became very unstable.

There were times when I would sit in the driveway, returning home from work, wondering what I was about to walk into. Was it a raving lunatic, or was it my awesome wife.


Thankfully she got help and got her hormones back under control.


It was about a 1 year period where I was in fear for my life.


Never before, never after, now she is the coolest chick on the block.

It depends on how much power is wielded and the ensuing possible consequences.

As a gamer I tend to want to be around a variety of people, this often means keeping my own candid thoughts to myself as to be open would immediately set certain people against me. Part of this is at different times being a guild officer, founder, leader, etc...

In a leadership position I will make the hard call that someone that melts down over disagreements does not belong in my group in the long term. I will generally talk this over with others to hear their say.

Then it is time to go to the easily offended and explain that they either need to toughen up, leave, or face the ban hammer. Ultimately I do it because I know they will not be happy if status quo is maintained, and multiple people would leave the guild if status quo is maintained.

When I'm in charge of an organization and there is conflict I look at where I want the organization to grow or be. Straighten or prune as needed. When I'm in charge I want a place where thick skin is the norm, where people can disagree but still work together. I look at who makes the group weaker vs who makes it stronger, and weight in the balance.

Now lets flip the tables, lets say I am a member in an organization and not a leader. It then becomes a matter of where I expect leadership to fall should I stop walking on eggshells mixed with if I really want to be within that organization.

I am very charismatic in gaming, if I leave a place it fails. It makes me very reticent to join places in the first place as if I decide I don't fit in; the void of lacking my lively banter can shatter a formerly stable organization. There are other times where it was a natural exodus where people left for same reasons I did. I have seen both.

Now these considerations also apply to a workplace.

However family dynamics are different in that you don't choose your family. Your only option is an attempt at exclusion. Because other members of your family may not share your ideas the amount you have to cut may be much bigger than you expect.

I'm generally one to check the foundation my artillery is firing from before I load the cannon and fire it off. You don't want to do a "Humpty Dumpty".

excuse the fat fingered typo in the first post

I'm not really the walking on eggshells type. And this is coming from someone who grew up with a parent with severe mental illness who could be set off by the littlest thing and quickly become violent. I don't do manipulative behavior and I have the scars to prove it. Either you behave respectfully or I have no use for you.

In a new relationship, I've learned to be myself right out of the gate. Don't act/pretend to be someone you're not and do things that you normally wouldn't do etc.. Sooner or later you will fall back to yourself and then the fights start. (you always used to lower the seat, open my car door, go to love story movies with me, etc..) As Jim mentioned, women tend to have hormonal issues every so often and after a certain amount of time in the avoidance stage, sooner or later it's going to come to a head. You both get help, or you split. Life is WAY to short to be that unhappy/miserable.

"Telling it like is is" is fine as long as you're cool with being alone. Seems to me people who generally revel in "being a straight shooter" do so because it's kinda cheap. It's like driving without using your turn signals. You pat yourself on the back because you got to your destination but there's a pile of people behind you who don't really like you anymore.

once. In retrospect, manipulation was a time honored family tradition.

Doing it now. She just doesn’t see it. Her whole family is nuts.

And I’m tired of it.

What happens, happens going forward.

I walk on eggshells with my sister, but only because I know we'll never be together for more than 2-3 days at a time, maybe once a year and because calling her out would always be in front of my folks and it would upset my mom. Basically, I want to keep the peace, just to spare my folks the drama, and I don't want them to think we won't have a good relationship when they've passed on. But once our folks are gone, I probably won't have much to do with my sister. I'm fine with it now and will be fine with it then.

Gotta disagree with your analogy. Telling it like it is is using the turn signal, then taking another street.

Maybe not everyone will follow you.

I also believe that being honest need not be hurtful but rather
, respectful.

This, just because I don't walk on eggshells doesn't mean I go out of my way to be a dick.

Aye.

Pick your battles.

Have your words with an aim to conflict resolution.

Also recognize when you can't change both yourself and someone else to reach a conflict resolution, then it is time to arrange an exit.(or if you value the relationship, you change.)

I want to frame my answer based on the thread that spawned this one. When you tell your wife that a female friend is trying to bed you...and it is the third time you told her this year (different women), don't be surprised when she believes that somehow it is your fault. The fact that you didn't actually sleep with all her friends may well not make her trust you after your dumping this on her. Everyone loses.

Women are scary crazy. I once had a friend of my wife's decide she hated me...and couldn't be my wife's friend any more unless she dumped me (after almost 40 years of marriage) because we were leaving a function and I did not shake her hand...but shook anther lady's hand. It was, of course, because the other lady offered her hand. A gentlemen does not offer his hand to a lady unless she offers her's first (old school rules...which I follow). Hard to imagine that the woman (not even a close friend) expected my wife to choose between us...and to pick her. On positive note, ow we have not heard for the woman in years. Even so, my wife was still mad at me (because somehow, I was partially at fault).

My wife’s family is quiet and not chatty at all. My wife’s uncle Bill was a loud boisterous very liberal Democrat. No one in the family would dare talk politics for fear he would get mad and make a scene. We all went to “grandmas” house and uncle Bill was cutting some shrubs and sweating some. I loudly proclaimed wow, a Democrat that is doing real labor. He looked at me and let out a loud laugh. We both joked about politics a little, but we liked each other. I was the first person to ever say anything to him, everyone else just “walked on eggshells” with him. He was happy to see another personality that was not shy.

I assume "walking on eggshells" means not fully communicating. I think most problems between people involve incomplete communication. Communicating involves risk-taking. Most times when we take that risk, we win. Often big-time.

And then....there are those people to just stay away from.

I had a two year relationship like that. Everything I said was suspicious or annoying to her. I had to walk on eggshells to keep the peace. I eventually just stopped talking. THAT royally pissed her off, but it was a predictable onset argument. We were together for nearly a year that I didn't speak to her voluntarily. She left. Took her dog. I liked her dog.