Baby Blues

My daughter just had her first baby, my first grandkid. Things have gotten a lot more complicated than 32 years ago when she was born to us, that's for sure.

From the time she got pregnant, she was bombarded with scary warnings from every quarter, including her doctors. Her OB/GYN in particular kept her anxiety level extremely and needlessly high. Add in the internet, which, though always true, contains all sort of terrible warnings for expecting moms, and it was like a 9-month-long pharmaceutical commercial with people listing dire side effects.

The birth went fine, and mom and kid are fine, but the anxiety industry was only ramping up. The lactation experts warned of lasting harm if the kid wasn't breastfed. Every two hours. The dentist prophesied ridiculous potential problems that involved things way outside of his area of expertise. The kid is always hungry, and the debate rages over whether he is gaining weight quickly enough. It seems there's healthy (which he is) and "perfectly healthy," which apparently mans in the 90th percentile of every metric.

Fortunately, she is part of a new-moms group, which is facilitated by a really good leader who tells the new moms to imagine they are raising a baby in pre-historic times. When they start to fret about this or that little thing, she says "OK, what is Cavewoman doing with her baby right now? Probably feeding him when he cries and letting him sleep when he sleeps." She subscribes to the theory that if a baby's basic needs are attended to and they are not injured, there's really nothing you can do to screw them up during the first year. So: chill. I love this advice.

It seems to me the root of most of this anxiety-inducing is driven by good old fashioned cash, both protecting it and making it. The docs, I think, are worried about potential liability if something goes wrong, so they over-warn about things that are only remotely likely lest they be accused of failing to disclose something. Sure, it freaks the moms out, but I can hardly blame the docs form their concerns of being accused of negligence.

Marketers and advertisers love to stoke every conceivable fear because there's big bucks in it. Apparently a single car seat just won't do . . . if you care about your kid, you need three different ones as he grows. Gee . . . I had no idea I was such a bad parent--we only had one car seat for my kids when they were babies.

Objectively, kids today are tons safer than they have ever been, but the amount of overwrought, hysterical warnings and advice continually grows. I think this gets transmitted to the kid, and we end up with what we have today: a society sporting historically high levels of anxiety.

If I had my way, new parents would spend the first 3 months of their kid's life on an island where there was no internet, no phones, and no in-laws. A doctor would visit once daily during the first week or so, and then once a week after that, until the family came home.

[Ziggythecat]

Congrats, Grandpa.

[Jeff Higgins]

Congratulations, Terry. I'm not far behind you - my oldest son's wife is expecting in mid October. Their daughter will be our first grandchild as well.

I share your angst about all of the overt hand-wringing expectant and new mothers have to endure. Fortunately, my daughter in law has been both a professional nanny since she got out of college and now runs her own nanny referral business. She has seen it all with regards to other new mothers and what they go through. Her experience has served to temper her fears and anxieties, mostly placed there by her "care" givers.

And I like you idea about the island. My only addition would be that the grandparents get to go with them...

[aschen]

congrats gramps

We had the opposite experience with our first born (now 7) from the doctors. There was alot of "don't worry" and "don't waste your money" advice given from the pros.

The internet on the other hand is the worlds best tool for exasperating confirmation bias. If you are worried about a minor pain, eventually you will narrow it down to brain cancer after googling.

Originally Posted by aschen

congrats gramps

We had the opposite experience with our first born (now 7) from the doctors. There was alot of "don't worry" and "don't waste your money" advice given from the pros.

Wow--you were lucky.

Originally Posted by aschen

The internet on the other hand is the worlds best tool for exasperating confirmation bias. If you are worried about a minor pain, eventually you will narrow it down to brain cancer after googling.

Agree 100%. That's why I never go on it.

[flatbutt]

Congratulations Terry! It's a great thing being a Grandpa. FWIW my advice to my daughter as regards all that stuff...listen to your heart honey.

[legion]

First, off, congrats! I hope you and your daughter are filled with the joys that only grandkids/kids can bring.

Our OBGYN and pediatrician are reasonable people who try to cut through the crap for us. Studies often contradict each other, and the methodologies of most are suspect. Their take was the OPPOSITE what your daughter experienced, Corgi. If anything, they calmed my wife with a healthy dose of common sense. I suggest your daughter look for new doctors. People have been getting by without studies and "professional advice" for millennia. I'm sure your daughter will be a fine parent and make the right decisions.

[HardDrive]

Congrats, and well said Sir.

[Bill Douglas]

They say women have been giving birth to babies for hundreds, if not thousands of years. I'm sure she will be just fine without expert (expert 101) advice.

All the best to her.

[TravisSolomon]

Congratulation for becoming a Grandfather.

[drcoastline]

Originally Posted by madcorgi

My daughter just had her first baby, my first grandkid. Things have gotten a lot more complicated than 32 years ago when she was born to us, that's for sure.

From the time she got pregnant, she was bombarded with scary warnings from every quarter, including her doctors. Her OB/GYN in particular kept her anxiety level extremely and needlessly high. Add in the internet, which, though always true, contains all sort of terrible warnings for expecting moms, and it was like a 9-month-long pharmaceutical commercial with people listing dire side effects.

The birth went fine, and mom and kid are fine, but the anxiety industry was only ramping up. The lactation experts warned of lasting harm if the kid wasn't breastfed. Every two hours. The dentist prophesied ridiculous potential problems that involved things way outside of his area of expertise. The kid is always hungry, and the debate rages over whether he is gaining weight quickly enough. It seems there's healthy (which he is) and "perfectly healthy," which apparently mans in the 90th percentile of every metric.

Fortunately, she is part of a new-moms group, which is facilitated by a really good leader who tells the new moms to imagine they are raising a baby in pre-historic times. When they start to fret about this or that little thing, she says "OK, what is Cavewoman doing with her baby right now? Probably feeding him when he cries and letting him sleep when he sleeps." She subscribes to the theory that if a baby's basic needs are attended to and they are not injured, there's really nothing you can do to screw them up during the first year. So: chill. I love this advice.

It seems to me the root of most of this anxiety-inducing is driven by good old fashioned cash, both protecting it and making it. The docs, I think, are worried about potential liability if something goes wrong, so they over-warn about things that are only remotely likely lest they be accused of failing to disclose something. Sure, it freaks the moms out, but I can hardly blame the docs form their concerns of being accused of negligence.

Marketers and advertisers love to stoke every conceivable fear because there's big bucks in it. Apparently a single car seat just won't do . . . if you care about your kid, you need three different ones as he grows. Gee . . . I had no idea I was such a bad parent--we only had one car seat for my kids when they were babies.

Objectively, kids today are tons safer than they have ever been, but the amount of overwrought, hysterical warnings and advice continually grows. I think this gets transmitted to the kid, and we end up with what we have today: a society sporting historically high levels of anxiety.

If I had my way, new parents would spend the first 3 months of their kid's life on an island where there was no internet, no phones, and no in-laws. A doctor would visit once daily during the first week or so, and then once a week after that, until the family came home.

Yeah lawyers suck, the root of most problems, anxiety, etc. Just wait till family court comes into play. Fortunately for your daughter she's the mom ( The new term is birth parent) so family court won't be quite so stressful. Your grand kid will really get F90ked up then just so the lawyers can profit.

If I had my way all lawyers would be herded into a few old oil tankers sealed up towed into the middle of the ocean and scuttled. America and the world would be a much better place.

[billybek]

Congrats!
The monitoring that my wife and son went through before his birth was crazy. We had so many people offering their opinion on possible health problems from heart defects to genetic issues.
Like was mentioned by the OPG (original poster grandpa) none of the experts will just tell you everything is ok. Needless stress at the worst of times.
My son was born without any health issues and was formula fed not by choice but by necessity.
He is now 11 years old 5'3" tall and over 100 lbs. Healthy kid.

[John Rogers]

Congrats to the whole family for a job well done! When our first grand child was born I had to tell my wife several times a day, at least, to keep her nose out of things and let our daughter do the job of raising the little curtain climber on her own, unless she asked for advice! She sure got po'd at me at times but it worked out and our daughter was nuts about germs and such with the first son but with the second, a daughter she was way less stressed which seemed to be the same way we had been.

[Superman]

Congratulations, Terry. Grandparenting is a BLAST. I will go fetch my 13 year-old granddaughter this morning along with her 15 year-old half sister. We plan to do some fun things. Yes, please do tell your daughter to relax. Nature, not the Internet, has this matter entirely under control. You can't spoil a newborn. Just love them, that's all.

Thanks all (well except drcoastline, who thinks I should be killed in a gruesome way).

The little nipper was over last night--red hair like his daddy, my daddy, and one of my sisters. Funny how they seem to have distinct personalities right from birth. This kid is really pretty chill: like to lie on his back and wave his arms and legs around. Looks like a Dungeness crab. About the same size. He's also decidedly a breast man.

Originally Posted by John Rogers

Congrats to the whole family for a job well done! When our first grand child was born I had to tell my wife several times a day, at least, to keep her nose out of things and let our daughter do the job of raising the little curtain climber on her own, unless she asked for advice! She sure got po'd at me at times but it worked out and our daughter was nuts about germs and such with the first son but with the second, a daughter she was way less stressed which seemed to be the same way we had been.

Agree this is the way to go. And there's nothing like the second kid to make you realize how silly all the paranoia is. We called my son "Spare" all through my wife's second pregnancy and didn't worry about anything.

[jhynesrockmtn]

Congrats on the first! They are the most awesome little things. My first was born to my son and his wife. Both active duty Army. She's a labor and delivery nurse and pretty no nonsense about things for being a first time parent. I am so impressed by my daughter in law. She has handled this kid working full time through two of my son's deployments. She's due again in December and I'm sure they will be even more chill with the next one. I just wish they lived closer.

Originally Posted by jhynesrockmtn

Congrats on the first! They are the most awesome little things. My first was born to my son and his wife. Both active duty Army. She's a labor and delivery nurse and pretty no nonsense about things for being a first time parent. I am so impressed by my daughter in law. She has handled this kid working full time through two of my son's deployments. She's due again in December and I'm sure they will be even more chill with the next one. I just wish they lived closer.

Jerry--
Her knowledge undoubtedly makes a huge difference. And kudos to her for holding down the fort.

Did you ever run with the PCA or BMW clubs at Spokane? Both my daughter and I did a lot of events there, before she decided to go to grad school, get a job, and have babies.

[jhynesrockmtn]

Originally Posted by madcorgi

Jerry--
Her knowledge undoubtedly makes a huge difference. And kudos to her for holding down the fort.

Did you ever run with the PCA or BMW clubs at Spokane? Both my daughter and I did a lot of events there, before she decided to go to grad school, get a job, and have babies.

I do get out with the PCA club in Spokane as an instructor. The long term status of our track is a bit up in the air but for now we have a local venue to play with. Damn kids going and getting grown up :-) Congrats again on the grand baby. Going to see mine in a few weeks and can't wait!