Bob's Big Adventure

[Jeff Higgins]

So, I have this good friend - let's call him "Bob" (because that's his name...). Bob suffered a massive stroke last Thanksgiving at his home in Coulee City, WA. Bob lives alone. He laid on his kitchen floor for three days before he was found. Bob was pretty messed up...

He spent three months in the hospital in Spokane, WA, and in its patient rehab center. He left in a wheelchair, unable to walk, with his left side completely unresponsive. He was what they call "left side inattentive". His adult daughter took him home with her to Kentucky, where it looked like he was going to stay.

Well, Bob doesn't really get along with anybody. He is by far the most stubborn bastard I have ever met. Pretty darn cranky, judgmental, and intolerant. Especially intolerant of anyone even trying to tell him what to do. A large part of why he lives alone...

So, he's been making progress. He can kind of "walk", although he has already fallen and broken his arm once. He kind of shuffles and limps, but he more or less gets around. His left arm still just hangs there. He is still very much "left side inattentive".

He has not been getting along with his daughter, son in law, grand kids, doctors, nurses, or anyone else. Surprise surprise - it's because they are all "trying to tell him what to do". That might have something to do with their concern for him, but he doesn't see it that way.

I just got a call from Bob this morning. He is back in Coulee City. The stubborn bastard bought a new Chevy pickup on-line from a dealer in Dayton, Ohio. He talked the salesman into coming to his daughter's home to pick him up so he could pick up the pickup. He got a ride to the dealer, with no more than the clothes on his back, hopped in his new truck - and drove for three days back to Coulee City. Never said a word to his daughter until he got there and called her.

I don't know what to say. I'm completely flabbergasted. Impressed, in a way, but my God - Bob has no business driving, living on his own, or any of this. I suspect it's not over. Unless, of course, his long suffering daughter has finally had enough. We'll see. What a hell of a situation.

[wdfifteen]

I hope Bob does OK. Is he happy being a curmudgeon or a curmudgeon because he’s unhappy?

[Jeff Higgins]

Originally Posted by wdfifteen

I hope Bob does OK. Is he happy being a curmudgeon or a curmudgeon because he’s unhappy?

He is one of the happiest guys I know, as long as he has something to be angry about.

Bob is the classic Norwegian - "you can always tell a Norwegian, but you can't tell him much...". He has always been the most hard-headed, stubborn man I have ever known. He was an engineering liaison lead that worked with a design engineering group I worked for in the middle of my career (I left that group about 20 years ago after a short stint, to return to my first love in AOG).

Bob retired a couple of years before I did. Under duress. Old friends in the group told me he had been downgraded from his lead position over his inability to cooperate with others - kind of a key requirement in a liaison position. He retired the same day he was given that news.

One of my doctor friends gave me a brief education about strokes. Apparently, the "big one" is quite often preceded by minor occurrences, known as "infarctions", wherein blood vessels in the brain swell (without rupturing) enough to cause damage to surrounding tissue. A "real" stroke is when they swell enough to rupture.

My doctor buddy tells me that these infarctions will often cause personality changes, mostly increased stubbornness, confusion, irritability, impatience, etc. It's one of those "slow creep" kinds of things, though, where it's hard to tell in "real time", while it's happening.

With the advantage of hindsight, that is exactly the road Bob has been on for years. All of us - his few friends and his family - can see it clearly, in retrospect. Infarctions are entirely detectable, treatable, and serve as "advance warning" to a stroke. That would require, however, that Bob see a doctor regularly. He had not seen one in 20 years or more. Because, well, they tell him what to do...

I'm worried about the guy. And I'm completely helpless to do anything. Advice is out of the question.

[Crowbob]

Why are you worried about him?

He hates himself and probably could care less what you think of him.

Here's what you should do.

Stop worrying about him.

[Bill Douglas]

He's lucky to have a daughter who cares. Very lucky.

If he can drive three days in one direction he can drive the three days in the other. Don't you be the one to look after him and listen to his whinging.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by Jeff Higgins

I'm worried about the guy. And I'm completely helpless to do anything. Advice is out of the question.

Though situation to be in. I’ve been there. All you can do is stand by and wait for the crash.

[Superman]

You're watching a train wreck. You'd like to fix it, but you can't 'tell him what to do.' A man's got to know his limitations, and you know yours.

[john70t]

Figure out a few things to do at home safely. Projects. Maybe research or games or other..
Tell him it's a challenge.

Something to 'fight' against or solve with reward feedback. On the easier side. To keep him busy.
Something that will make him work for it.
Something that will help motor function and do safe things he loves to do at heart.

(In the meantime daughter gets power of attorney and helps keep him safe.)

[Jeff Higgins]

It's impossible for me to really keep an eye on Bob. Coulee City is a good four hour drive over the Cascade Range from here.

I believe his daughter has secured DPOA - durable power of attorney. What it is really going to boil down to is whether she can muster any more love and sympathy after this.

More back story - he pretty much abandoned her and her mother when they divorced. His daughter was quite young, like preschool age. He had nothing to do with her until she joined the Army about 25 years ago (she is about 45 now). He speaks of her with very little respect, constantly saying how she "doesn't get it". I quite honestly would not blame her if she just walked away.

I'm in a "wait and see" mode right now. I'll just have to see what his daughter's response to this is going to be, if she even has one. What a horrible situation.

[john70t]

You don't know the whole story of him "abandoning her".

Sometimes the father is ejected by the controlled group on command, and bounces off the other way out of a warped male self-preservation of dignity.
Or not. But whatever.

At this point, daughter is dealing with logistical issues. Broken hearts aren't fixed overnight.
She cares enough about him to be involved now.

Be at her service, and tell him to start fixing his mess because end of life is much nearer, and he better be right with the next phase.

[rfloz]

Can he at least be convinced to wear one of those Medic-Alert devices. I believe some of them can detect a fall and send help if he can't call 911 next time. And there will be a next time.

Good luck.

[pwd72s]

Quite a saga to read about. What to do? I haven't a clue...

[Jeff Higgins]

Those of you with aging parents, siblings, and friends may be well served to consider all of this if you notice "grampa sure is getting grumpy in his old age", or something like that. It may be an indication of these "infarctions", the precursors to a stroke. We all missed it with Bob. We just figured he was growing more "Bob-like" as he got older. Alas, these were warning signs, and we missed them.

I don't think he could ever be convinced to wear one of those "life alert" devices. Way too "intrusive", "pesky", and all of that. No, at this point, I'm kind of resigned to his neighbor finding him dead on the floor one day. Sooner rather than later. It's almost inevitable.

[LakeCleElum]

Maybe your Uncle Charles will need a place to stay and can move to Coulee City?

That has to be dam near the most depressing town in our state..........

Hungry car salesman to deliver to Kentucky and haul Bob back to the dealership...

[Sooner or later]

If laying on a kitchen floor didn't change him...

Robert sounds like a bit of a Richard.

[Pazuzu]

Bob? That's not his name. His name is Phil, and he's a Brit. And a grumpy, racist, angry, loud, swearing old sod who lives alone, won't listen to anyone, has a daughter far from him who has all but disowned him because of his attitude, and who had a major medical "event" 4 years ago that should have killed him, but otherwise should have woke him up, but instead did nothing but make him a grumpy, racist, angry, loud, swearing and sometimes seeing things and hearing voices old sod.

Did I get that right? Because I know a Bob.

[Bill Douglas]

Originally Posted by Pazuzu

Bob? That's not his name. His name is Phil, and he's a Brit.

I say old chap, deport the blighter.