Jokes:

[Zendalar]

Three nun die in a car-crash. As they arrive to the pearly gates, St. Peter is expecting them. "I'm sorry but there are so many people in Heaven these days that we must pick and choose the people we let in.
So if you know the answer to these questions, you may enter". He walked to the first nun and asked "What was the name of the first man created by God?".
"That's easy", the nun replies"he was Adam". A bell rings, the gates of heaven open and the nun goes in.
St. Peter walks to the second nun and asks "What was the name of the first woman God created?". "Oh, her name was Eve" the nun replies. A bell rings, the gates open and the nun goes in.

Then St. Peter asks the third nun "What was the first thing Eve said to Adam when they met?". The nun thinks for a while and says "Oh, that's a hard one....".... And the bell rings, the gates open, and the nun goes in.

[Zendalar]

Another:

The Setting: An old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

Old man:
"Lad, look out there to the field. Do ye see that wall? Look how well it's
built. I built that wall stone by stone with me own two hands. I worked on
it for months. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Wall-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar.

"Look here at the bar. Do ye see how smooth and just it is? I planed that
surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard
labour, for eight days. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Bar-Builder?
Nooo..."

Then the old man points out of the window.

"Eh, laddy, look out to sea. Do ye see that pier that stretches out as far
as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat of me back. I nailed it
board by board for 6 weeks. But do they call me MacGregor-the-Pier-Builder?
Noooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure that one is
paying attention.

"But ye f#ck one goat..."

[Zendalar]

American jew and a chinesen guy were at a bar just having a drink and minding their own businesess.
Suddenly the american jew stood up and struck the chinaman in the face and said:" That's for Pearl Harbor you *******!!"
The chinaman got up and asked:"WTF It was the japanese not us im chinese you moron!!". American replied:" ahh you all look the same, who cares!"

Well they sat to their own tables and continued drinking when suddenly chinaman hit the american jew on the nose and screamed:" Thats for TITANIC you sucker!!".
American jew asked:"WTF I got to do with TITANIC??"

Chinaman replied :" Goldberg, iceberg all the same"

[Zendalar]

Marine Corps General Reinwald was interviewed on the radio the other day and
you have to read his reply to the lady who interviewed him concerning guns
and children. Regardless of how you feel about gun laws you got to love
this! This is one
of the best comeback lines of all time. It is a portion of a National
Public Radio (NPR) interview between a female broadcaster and US Marine
Corps General Reinwald who was about to sponsor a Boy Scout Troop visiting
his military installation.


FEMALE INTERVIEWER: So, General Reinwald, what things are you going to teach
these young boys when they visit your base?

GENERAL REINWALD: We're going to teach them climbing, canoeing, archery, and
shooting.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Shooting! That's a bit irresponsible, isn't it?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see why, they'll be properly supervised on the
rifle range.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: Don't you admit that this is a terribly dangerous
activity to be teaching children?

GENERAL REINWALD: I don't see how. We will be teaching them proper
discipline before they even touch a firearm.

FEMALE INTERVIEWER: But you're equipping them to become violent killers.

GENERAL REINWALD: Well, you're equipped to be a prostitute, but you're not
one, are you?

The radio went silent and the interview ended

[Zendalar]

American tourist was in Helsinki (Finland) and travel guide was showing him the city. They went to the Great Church and the American was wondering how small and modest Finland is. Next the travel guide took the American to the parlament house and again the American wondered how can the parlament work in a such small and insignificant house.
Guide was really starting to get piss€d because of the tourists thinking. Then a hedgehog crossed the street, which got the American excited.
-What kind of animal is that?
Guide saw that his chance had come and answered:
- That is a crab louse!


hehee... =)

[Bill Douglas]

There was an Englishman and an American, and a New Zealander drinking together in a bar. When te Englishman finished his drink he threw the glass at the stone fireplace smashing it to pieces. The American and the Kiwi said "What did you do that for?". the Englishman replied " Where I come from we have so many glasses we don't drink from the same glass twice". After the next round the American guy threw the half empty bottle of whiskey at the fireplace smashing it to bits. The Englishman and the Kiwi stood up and said "What did you do that for!" The American replied "Where I come from we have so much whiskey we don't drink from the same bottle twice". After another round the Kiwi guy got up and pulled a gun out of his top pocket and shot the Englishman and the american dead. The others in the bar lept back and yelled out "Fark man are you mad! What did you do that for!" The kiwi guy replied "Where I come from we have so many people to go drinking with we never drink with the same people twice."

[beepbeep]

In the light of all the criticism that George Bush is an idiot, the Republicans decide to hold a "George Bush Is Not Stupid" convention. Eighty thousand Republicans meet in the Kansas City Chiefs Stadium.

Trent Lott says, "We are all here today to prove to the world that George Bush is not stupid. So ladies and gentlemen, let me introduce President George Bush."

After the cheers die down. Lott says "Mr. President, we're going to prove to the world once and for all that you are not stupid. So tell us, what is 15 plus 15?"

Bush, after scrunching up his face and concentrating real hard for a moment, declares, "Eighteen!"

Obviously everyone is a little disappointed. Then the 80,000 Republicans start cheering, "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Trent Lott says, "Well since we've gone to the trouble of getting 80,000 of you in one place, I guess we can do that." So he asks, "What is 5 plus 5?"

After nearly 30 seconds of chin-rubbing and grimacing, Bush meekly asks "Ninety?"

Trent Lott is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -- everyone is disheartened.

But then Bush starts pouting, and suddenly the 80,000 Republicans begin to yell and wave their hands, shouting again "Give Bush another chance! Give Bush another chance!"

Lott, unsure whether he's doing more harm than good, eventually says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance -- What is 2 plus 2?"

Bush looks down, counts on his fingers, and after a whole minute, proudly announces "Four."

A moment of total silence, then an electric charge surges through the stadium as pandemonium breaks out.

All 80,000 Republicans jump to their feet.

These GOP partisans start to wave their arms, stomp their feet and create a deafening roar:

"GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE! GIVE BUSH ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[island911]

Well beeper, if you thought *that* was funny, you'll love this. . .

[island911]

Iraqi Information Minister, Mohammed Saeed al Sahhaf, states;

"the Saddam statue is being taken down for cleaning. . .everything here is just fine."


TIC

Im betting Letterman will have a "Top Ten" on Mohammed Saeed al Sahhaf explainations.

[turbo6bar]

Who woulda thunk the Iraqi people love Bush more than nearly half the rest of the world? I chuckled when I heard an Iraqi was going to get a name change to Bush.

Jurgen

[Targa Dude]

Is this not the most surreal picture you ever thought you would see? A US Soldier taking out some time to test the fishing in the Tigress river.. Wow..


Jorge (Targa Dude)
Infidels UNITE!

[turbo6bar]

For being a moron, George sure is doing well...

[Targa Dude]

Here I thought I was Patriotic...Dang!

** Pic removed. ** -Z-man.

One Nation Under God... Oh yeah!! I love My Country..

Jorge (Targa Dude)
Infidels UNITE!

[turbo6bar]

Yummy... the Dahm Triplets, I believe. Does anyone like Bush, now?

[beepbeep]

hehe...you sure are a joke, dude!

I bet you believe i'm a Saddam supporter too, eh? It's all black and white...isn't it?

[Targa Dude]

Beep Beep, Dude... just give a rest..Today is not a day for resentment, but more of a day for reflection with all that has been happening in Iraq the past 24 hours. I'm in such great spirits and filled with so much Pride at this moment that I'm just not in the mood to deal with you. I wish you could for a moment feel what I'm feeling right now, Wow we, yes I said we, The US along with the supporting coalition countries have just liberated a country and it's people. Does this make any sense to you?
Watch your Tele, surf the net or read the papers, can you see how those people feel about us? Can you see how they feel about our President? Please just listen, watch and learn.
Iraqi exiles all over the world are rejoicing..

Have you hugged an Iraqi Today? I have

Jorge (Targa Dude)
Infidels UNITE!

Wonder what he would have done Iraq?

Or Her?

[pwd72s]

Jorge? Definitely NOT the Dixie Chicks, are they?

[Isabo]

You are the President of the U.S.A. and you've just learned that there is an asteroid headed for France that will wipe out their entire country. It is scheduled to hit about 2.30 a.m. in just two days time from now. You have enough ships and military personnel nearby to evacuate them safely, but they are on stand-by for further conflict with Iraq.

Your question: do you set the VCR to record the asteroid hitting France, or do you stay up to watch it live?

[speeder]

At a meeting this week of all the Saddam doubles:

"Well, the good news, fellows, is that Saddam has survived. The bad news? He's lost one eye, both arms, his nuts, etc., etc......."