Somber weekend. Friend’s 15 year old committed suicide

[unclebilly]

I don’t understand why a bright (honours student), athletic (ski racer), and seemingly popular 15 year old girl would do this.

I’m not sure how to talk to her parents (we spoke the night before). Everyone is crushed and confused.

I haven’t told my kids yet and I’m not even sure what to tell them. My son would have been training with her this year.

Who has been through this? How did you deal with it? Can you even make sense of any of it?

Mental health issues are real. We need to take them seriously.

[John Rogers]

My guess is they already know? If it were me, I would gather all the family together in the living room (wo the TV on) and boxes of tissues handy and tell everyone what happened. I would not venture as to the why because only she knew I would say. Get each to say something if possible.
John

[fanaudical]

That's rough and I probably have no useful words of wisdom on this. I'm very sorry for all who have to work through this. I agree about gathering the family, letting them know, and be there while they work out the grief.

[unclebilly]

My initial thoughts are to not tell them that she took her own life (they will find out eventually).

I guess I’d rather be the one to tell them so they can ask questions and we can talk about it.

Honestly, I’m not sure how to have this conversation with my kids (they don’t know yet).

[craigster59]

A few thoughts as one who has been through this.

I was 15 when my Mother committed suicide. Believe when I say, your kids need to and can deal with this at their age. It's important to discuss this openly and honestly with them. Suicide is "contagious". In my case it was the neighbor lady across the street, then my Mom, then my Mom's best friend (who's son was my best friend). All of this happened within a 3-4 month timeframe.

They all had their reasons and feelings of emptiness and desperation. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and they need to understand that. Professional help should definitely be part of the healing and understanding. Lockdowns, economics, social media, etc have all contributed exponentially to this problem, especially among young people.

PM me if you want to discuss privately and my prayers and thoughts are with your family and friends.

[pwd72s]

Originally Posted by craigster59

A few thoughts as one who has been through this.

I was 15 when my Mother committed suicide. Believe when I say, your kids need to and can deal with this at their age. It's important to discuss this openly and honestly with them. Suicide is "contagious". In my case it was the neighbor lady across the street, then my Mom, then my Mom's best friend (who's son was my best friend). All of this happened within a 3-4 month timeframe.

They all had their reasons and feelings of emptiness and desperation. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and they need to understand that. Professional help should definitely be part of the healing and understanding. Lockdowns, economics, social media, etc have all contributed exponentially to this problem, especially among young people.

PM me if you want to discuss privately and my prayers and thoughts are with your family and friends.

Took guts to write this. Sincere and experienced advice.

[LWJ]

Uncle Billy.,

Some good friends lost their 16 year old son to suicide during Covid.

Cyber bullying was instrumental in this.

What an awful loss.

No solutions, just empathy.

[Bill Douglas]

that's the saddest thing Billy. I'm really sorry for you, your family and The girl's family.

Graigster. Sorry to hear this too. That is a very (what's the word) sensitive/influential time in your life for this to happen.

[Noah930]

Two years ago, the teenage daughter of a HS buddy committed suicide. It's obviously been very difficult for him, but he's channeled some of his grief into raising awareness and funding for suicide prevention and adolescent mental health services in the community. He's started a foundation with a local hospital and their adolescent mental health services. And he's tried to spread the word about the 988 telephone suicide prevention hotline (don't know if there is an equivalent for Canada).

Depending on your kids' ages, I think it's worthwhile to talk to them about it. I don't think hearing about this type of thing is going to push a kid over the edge to doing it themselves. I think there's more to be gained by letting kids see how suicide wasn't an answer to whatever troubled them and that there are resources out there if they ever feel like they need/want it.

[ZOO]

The school may have grief counsellors on site to begin the week. Encourage your son to make use of them, even if he claims to be "fine". Go to the funeral with him if it is an option. Be open, honest, and transparent. Answer any question you can. Give him a hug.

[berettafan]

man so sorry to hear of this. good to talk about it though. scary that we hear this about a kid who doesn't seem to have the risk factors we'd normally expect.

wish i had words of wisdom for you.

[rfuerst911sc]

I am a firm believer in honesty is the best route to follow . As a family unit talk this out . Finite details are not needed , general discussion of the loss . Reinforce to your children that you are there for them .

Grief counselors are available via the schools and/or local community . This is a very difficult situation to get through , but it's easier with a family support network . And every individual grieves differently so some will need close nurturing while others may need some space .

I wish you and your family the best as you navigate this horrible situation . RIP to the young person lost .

[flatbutt]

My neighbors 17 yo grandson committed suicide and there were no words, no actions that could comfort the family. We simply made sure that they knew we'd provide anything they needed to get through the tragedy but there really isn't anything that you can do. It's a horrible situation and the self blaming of those left behind was hard to see.

[jhynesrockmtn]

Wow, sorry for their loss and yours. I'd be honest with them. They are older and mature. If you try and avoid that part of the discussion it will be their first question. A good friend went through something similar. Their close friends high schooler and friend of his kids committed suicide early in 2020. Not covid related. They channeled their grief into starting an organization to help with youth mental health awareness.

https://kellencares.org/

My birthfather committed suicide several months after I was born. My aunt, his younger sister, channeled the experience of finding him and grieving into becoming a doctor and family mental health practitioner. Close to 60 years later, it still impacts those that were close to him.

[mattdavis11]

My uncle committed suicide when I was 15. My parents didn't talk about it, nor did they say anything when one of my high school friends ended his life when I was 17.

I didn't want to talk about it either.

[speeder]

I am also very sorry to hear that news, obviously a horrible tragedy. I would talk to the kids about it and have a good cry together if necessary. Life is precious and can be very fragile at times.

I had to go to a memorial a couple of weeks ago for a young guy who OD’ed on narcotics. His mother could not have been more destroyed if he killed himself, which he basically did. A total waste of a life.

I’ve experienced way too much suicide, going back 50 years. A 12 year old boy, two doors down from us in the 1970s. My best friend’s 19 y.o. brother in 1983. Countless other friends and acquaintances since, all over the country. My cousin’s husband who went to Paris to stay in my brother’s apartment and killed himself while he was there, (thankfully not in the apartment).

None of it has anything to do with the pandemic, it’s depression which is a mental illness. I drove through a small town in Indiana a couple of years ago that had inspirational signs on all of the lawns. “You can do it,” and “keep going,” that sort of thing. I figured that they had just held a marathon. An old timer told me no, that they had been experiencing an epidemic of teen suicides…something like a half dozen in a tiny town. American flags waving from every porch, just a baseball/apple pie kinds of place. It completely crushed me.

It’s awful but it’s also a part of life, unfortunately. The most dangerous thing is to not talk about it, IMO.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by mattdavis11

My uncle committed suicide when I was 15. My parents didn't talk about it, nor did they say anything when one of my high school friends ended his life when I was 17.

I didn't want to talk about it either.

Not everyone will want to talk about it.
Folks that don't want to talk about it may or may not need to talk about it. I think that will depend upon the personality/character of the individual.

[SpyderMike]

It happened to us a couple of months ago. My advise is to be open and honest. They have to start the grieving process; you already have. Seek out professional counselors. Most schools in our area ramped up their trained staff due to an increase in suicides. It might be more comfortable for them to find counseling outside the school system though.

Understand that everyone grieves differently. It is easy to project your thoughts and responses to others. But we all don't work the same.

No, you can't and never will make sense of it. Triggers will remind you of that fact. You will never answer the "why" and "what could I have done to prevent this" questions. You just have to develop the skills to deal with it.

Sorry.

[pwd72s]

Evidently, teen suicides are up. Social media bullying? Covid shutdowns? Drugs? Lot's of theories of why...pick your favorite.

[matthewb0051]

Originally Posted by craigster59

A few thoughts as one who has been through this.

I was 15 when my Mother committed suicide. Believe when I say, your kids need to and can deal with this at their age. It's important to discuss this openly and honestly with them. Suicide is "contagious". In my case it was the neighbor lady across the street, then my Mom, then my Mom's best friend (who's son was my best friend). All of this happened within a 3-4 month timeframe.

They all had their reasons and feelings of emptiness and desperation. Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem and they need to understand that. Professional help should definitely be part of the healing and understanding. Lockdowns, economics, social media, etc have all contributed exponentially to this problem, especially among young people.

PM me if you want to discuss privately and my prayers and thoughts are with your family and friends.

Wow, just wow. Your advice is spot on.

We saw a lot of suicide in the Army in the years before my retirement. There was always some underlying problem that was almost always temporary but was unable to be seen around to the light at the end of the tunnel.

Bless your heart and the family in this current situation.

I'd absolutely tell my kids and be open about it.