Sundowners and the elderly…

[A930Rocket]

Our mom is 94 and dementia is slowly taking her away. She thinks she’s in places she’s not and mixing the past with the present.

We had her in independent living with care givers, but it got to be too much for them. A few months ago, we moved her to assisted living, but that turned out badly. She had someone else’s file (similar name) in her folder and was given the wrong meds for a few weeks.

That has been corrected, but she continues to lash out and say ugly things to people. I know it’s not her, but her dementia. The current facility wants her out now.

We are scheduled to move her to a memory care place Friday, but we are worried about her mental state and the new place will not want her.

Obviously, we don’t want to over sedate her.

What are our options? What have others here done for aging parents or family members?

[Rot 911]

My mother had Alzheimer’s that had progressed to the stage that we had to put her into a nursing home. We found one that was strictly for individuals with Alzheimer’s. She had a nice room and the people that work there were quite familiar with the various stages of Alzheimer’s. We were lucky in that my mom was a happy person right up until the end. Didn’t remember any of us, but was still happy to see us.

[john70t]

Two facilities failed the task of both diagnosis and medication and communication. That's bad.
We were lucky to have a place even better than home for pops.
He was mostly non-combative, thankfully.

Give her something like a stuffed animal(safe to throw) or happy painting so she knows it's from you.
Even if that is not expressed..
That will go with her to the next place. Continuance.

A change in living arraignment and routine and daily staff is a huge change and very hard on care patients.
They will protest in many ways we don't recognize. It's their last grasp on independence and dignity.
But there is always something there.

Ask many people and research the new place. As for a tour. Costs. Visiting hours. Activities.
Talk to the manager. etc.

It's a difficult time. Take care of yourself as well and start making arraignments with family for consensus.

[Tobra]

Memory care place is where she needs to be

Dementia is like your mind caught cancer and it leaves the rest of you here.

They seem to do better with a routine

[Rusty Heap]

I feel, truly feel your pain.

brain cancer in my mom.

took care of her for 3 year............


make sure all your Power of Atty and wills are in order.


once again, I know what you're going through.

hugs.

[Baz]

Sorry to hear about your situation, Rocket.

This past April, I arranged for my Mom to go into assisted living after trying to keep her in her home, so can relate somewhat to what you're facing.

She's 100 years old and thankfully only has slight dementia.

But she does have a tendency sometimes to say things to others in her alf that some might deem offensive.

And they also messed around with several variations and combos of meds in order to address what they felt was "anxiety" - some that turned her into almost a zombie.

Luckily she had myself and my caregiver to intervene as well as one of the staff at the facility who is the more conscientious of the staff there.

We have Hospice involved who come in 3 times a week to shower her plus a weekly visit by a nurse to oversee any medical stuff. Otherwise the facility staff oversees everything. Plus my twice a week visits and our caregiver's twice a week visits...plus a former neighbor and my step-sister infrequently.

I know your situation is different but wanted to start by letting you know you are not alone in the fight. Many here have some experience with caring for our elderly parents.

FWIW: I compiled an index of previous threads from our forum here:

https://forums.pelicanparts.com/off-topic-discussions/1130825-elderly-parent-care-index-thread.html

I don't think it's possible to change a person's personality at this stage in their life but perhaps certain meds can help. The key is for them not to be overly drugged out, as happened with yours and my Mom.

I will find out what Mom is getting and let you know later this week.

If not already done so perhaps contact your local Hospice and get their take on things.

Hospice does more than just attend to those expected to pass away short term. Medicare pays for it too, thankfully.

Lastly, I asked one of the girls at Mom's facility what happens next for Mom should she become too much of a burden and her reply was Hospice has a program for that. I think we all know what that means.

Very tough situation and one that I associate with when our pets reach the point when their quality of life is gone and they are in pain. I wish we had the same options for our elderly humans that we have with our 4-legged family members.

It wouldn't make our pain any less but it would theirs - the whole point.

Hopefully the brain trust here will help you with additional info. Make sure you check out the threads in the link I posted earlier in my post.

PS....I took Mom to Dairy Queen today and we had Blizzards! I'm trying to get her out at least once or twice a week. Her ALF has activities but never excursions...

[A930Rocket]

Mom is looking good, Baz.

Thanks everyone. A routine is really key, but we’ve had to change facilities twice in a short period of time, with another one coming up.

With me being six hours away, I can only rely on my three siblings, who live nearby. Unfortunately, one has MS and is limited to what she can do. My younger sister is a well meaning idiot, who screws up all of our plans. So it falls on my brother and my shoulders to get things done and take care of her.

I just don’t know what to do when the dementia gets so bad, nobody wants to take care of her, without turning into a zombie.

This is why Ms. Rocket and myself have alternate plans. I don’t want to live like that and be a burden to our kids.

[Fischer_76_911S]

I’m dealing with both parents and Alzheimer’s.

#1- Get the book, The 36 Hour Day. Read it.

#2- watch, The Father. It is a great movie that helps you see from their perspective. I have literally watched one resident in the facility where my parents are living open up the door, look out into the courtyard, and ask if I could see her sister outside at her house on the hill. Obviously, there was no hill, no other house, nor her sister. The mind does some strange things as it deteriorates.

[Baz]

Originally Posted by A930Rocket

Mom is looking good, Baz.

Thanks everyone. A routine is really key, but we’ve had to change facilities twice in a short period of time, with another one coming up.

With me being six hours away, I can only rely on my three siblings, who live nearby. Unfortunately, one has MS and is limited to what she can do. My younger sister is a well meaning idiot, who screws up all of our plans. So it falls on my brother and my shoulders to get things done and take care of her.

I just don’t know what to do when the dementia gets so bad, nobody wants to take care of her, without turning into a zombie.

This is why Ms. Rocket and myself have alternate plans. I don’t want to live like that and be a burden to our kids.

Thanks Rocket....will pass your compliment along to Mom.

Having the right FAMILY member(s) nearby is VERY important!

I have two older brothers - but they are worthless. Fortunately Mom has me living 10 minutes away.

I hope your brother cares enough about his Mom as I do mine. It really does make a HUGE difference.

FWIW - most of the folks in the assisted living profession understand that they are going to get some difficult personalities. It's a challenging situation for all, but that's why they get paid and that's what they signed up for. I hope that helps at her next stop.

I'm sorry you are having to do this long distance. I really feel for you. God bless to you and yours!

I'll let you know about the meds....

[unclebilly]

My father has been in a dementia care facility since early August. It’s sad because he still has moments of normalcy about 20% of the time and he can’t really associate with his fellow residents during that time. Since last week, we are trying to take him out once a week (he had to adjust first). He really enjoys the outings and either my brother or I (with my kids) visit him 5 days per week.

The great thing about a dementia facility is that they understand (and tolerate) residents with dementia so odd and abusive behaviours that we feel embarrassed about are all part of their ‘normal’.

Putting my dog down last week was extra difficult because I kept thinking about what it will be like to say goodbye to my father when his time comes (not that we’d put him down) but it does feel like we put him out to pasture by moving him into long term care.

I had a really good chat with one of the senior staffers at the facility last week and she said that we need to focus on our father -son moments and what we have left. Their role is taking on all of the dirty work and keeping him safe so we can just enjoy his company. It’s important to understand this.

[creaturecat]

you one lucky guy, Baz.
my father had dementia - 10 years worth. he was sweet, to the bitter end. thankfully.

[Seahawk]

Originally Posted by Fischer_76_911S

I’m dealing with both parents and Alzheimer’s.

#1- Get the book, The 36 Hour Day. Read it.

#2- watch, The Father.

Thank you for that info...Baz you as well with the link. I really appreciate it.

My MIL is manageable for now and she has my wife. There are days when it gets ugly, so I really watch my wife's reactoins. The MIL, even now, knpws what buttons to push. Thankfully a a very reduced level.

I wish you all the best.

[A930Rocket]

Thanks, everyone.

Parents bring children into the world and nurture them into adults. When your parents get elderly, they’re almost infantile, and need childlike care.I’m sad because I’m not there to help. Not that I would know what to do.