If someone complains about something, do you automatically offer solutions?

[masraum]

If anyone comes to me and expresses that they are trying to do XYZ, and they are having a problem accomplishing XYZ, my natural reaction is to brainstorm, and offer possible solution(s). It's not something that I think about. It just happens. Not only that, but my jobs since 1998 have all been primarily fixing things (IT). And from a certain point of view, most of my jobs since 1992 have been the same (before IT, I tended bar and worked at an auto parts store, both jobs where the customer has a problem [needs/wants something] that I could fix [give them what they want/need]).

Most of the time, folks seem to appreciate it. Except when it's my wife. She expresses frustration at having some sort of problem. I offer solutions. I invariably get the response that she didn't need/want my help or want a solution. My thought is usually (in my head), "then why did you tell me?"

I've seen a few things online in the past that try to say that it's intrinsic for men to be like that. Obviously, that's not 100% for all men (in my personal experience for myself, it's 100%)

I just did a google search a min ago for "men want to fix things" and "men are fixers" got a bunch of hits, and most of them are about this same thing (apparently "fixer" is a thing these days) and most of the links seem to be indicating that this is an issue (that needs to be fixed). I guess we shouldn't fix stuff unless explicitly asked. LOL

[Arizona_928]

Depends on the person.

I think it comes down to having astute senses in reading the situation… some like to vent. Some want solutions. Some want encouragement. There’s even weirdos that want praise.

[Gogar]

Women don't want you to solve the problem, they want you to empathize with the emotions the problems have caused.

In the feminine world feelings = power. When you solve the problem you are ignoring their feelings and rendering them powerless. Yeah it's dumb.

[rwest]

I’ve been working on and getting better at being empathetic first and then depending on what the problem is asking what they have tried and maybe then offer a solution I think might work.

There are different types of problems and they take different approaches. For example, a relationship problem is much different than an engine problem.

Most of us want to genuinely help others and sometimes the best solution is to just listen.

[look 171]

Originally Posted by Gogar

Women don't want you to solve the problem, they want you to empathize with the emotions the problems have caused.

When you solve the problem you are ignoring their feelings. Yeah it's dumb.

This siht right here us worth its weight in gold but it is so true.

[oldE]

I have learned, if the wife is complaining about having difficulty accomplishing something, to ask if she would like me to pitch in. I am embarrassed to say how long it took me to learn that simple thing.
I have also adopted that approach to problems expressed by others, IF I give a darn. Life is too short to waste time in needless frustration.

Best
Les

[masraum]

Originally Posted by Arizona_928

Depends on the person.

I think it comes down to having astute senses in reading the situation… some like to vent. Some want solutions. Some want encouragement. There’s even weirdos that want praise.

Yep, and I'm practically blind when it comes to reading people.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by Gogar

Women don't want you to solve the problem, they want you to empathize with the emotions the problems have caused.

In the feminine world feelings = power. When you solve the problem you are ignoring their feelings and rendering them powerless. Yeah it's dumb.

Yep, when someone explains that, I understand. But as far as I can tell, I'm hard wired to solve the problem. I've thought many times "when X happens do Y instead of Z". Unfortunately, 99.999% of the time, hard wiring takes over before I remember that I wanted to do something differently.

Years ago, at work, I sat across from a girl. We were in a pretty hard core, IT problem solving environment. We were also friendly and chatted quite a bit (we sat opposite each other face to face). She came back from lunch one day. She'd gone to some store and asked a clerk to hold something for her until she came back after work. The girl told her that she couldn't due to company policy. The girl came back really irritated about it and vented to me. I wasn't empathetic. I tried to explain how the girl was just doing her job. Then my coworker was pissed at me. She barely spoke to me the rest of the day, and we chatted a lot less and were far less friendly after that incident. I wasn't bothered by it, but I did think it was pretty funny. I think I may have actually laughed at her when she got mad at me about it, which probably didn't help the situation.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by rwest

I’ve been working on and getting better at being empathetic first and then depending on what the problem is asking what they have tried and maybe then offer a solution I think might work.

There are different types of problems and they take different approaches. For example, a relationship problem is much different than an engine problem.

Most of us want to genuinely help others and sometimes the best solution is to just listen.

Yep, I get it, but "getting it" isn't helping me rewire my natural response, unfortunately.

[masraum]

Originally Posted by oldE

I have learned, if the wife is complaining about having difficulty accomplishing something, to ask if she would like me to pitch in. I am embarrassed to say how long it took me to learn that simple thing.
I have also adopted that approach to problems expressed by others, IF I give a darn. Life is too short to waste time in needless frustration.

Best
Les

I still haven't learned it. I've heard it and though "I should do that!"

It's not happening. I've even thought "when someone (especially the missus) complains about something, just stare at them and STFU." If I'm not talking, I can't say the wrong thing, and as long as I'm looking at them, I'll be perceived as listening. It's still not happening.

[look 171]

Originally Posted by masraum

Yep, when someone explains that, I understand. But as far as I can tell, I'm hard wired to solve the problem. I've thought many times "when X happens do Y instead of Z". Unfortunately, 99.999% of the time, hard wiring takes over before I remember that I wanted to do something differently.

Years ago, at work, I sat across from a girl. We were in a pretty hard core, IT problem solving environment. We were also friendly and chatted quite a bit (we sat opposite each other face to face). She came back from lunch one day. She'd gone to some store and asked a clerk to hold something for her until she came back after work. The girl told her that she couldn't due to company policy. The girl came back really irritated about it and vented to me. I wasn't empathetic. I tried to explain how the girl was just doing her job. Then my coworker was pissed at me. She barely spoke to me the rest of the day, and we chatted a lot less and were far less friendly after that incident. I wasn't bothered by it, but I did think it was pretty funny. I think I may have actually laughed at her when she got mad at me about it, which probably didn't help the situation.

You and many of us here. Been doing it our whole lives and have to switch gear when we walk into the house. It took me a long time to be a fooking a mind reader. Since a young age, I have problem solved for and along with others, and they come to me for answers since about the beginning of college when I started getting involved construction related jobs. Some get really complex and there's always a solution but the questions at home are so simple but she wanted an ear or a game of guess what I really mean?

[look 171]

Originally Posted by masraum

Yep, when someone explains that, I understand. But as far as I can tell, I'm hard wired to solve the problem. I've thought many times "when X happens do Y instead of Z". Unfortunately, 99.999% of the time, hard wiring takes over before I remember that I wanted to do something differently.

Years ago, at work, I sat across from a girl. We were in a pretty hard core, IT problem solving environment. We were also friendly and chatted quite a bit (we sat opposite each other face to face). She came back from lunch one day. She'd gone to some store and asked a clerk to hold something for her until she came back after work. The girl told her that she couldn't due to company policy. The girl came back really irritated about it and vented to me. I wasn't empathetic. I tried to explain how the girl was just doing her job. Then my coworker was pissed at me. She barely spoke to me the rest of the day, and we chatted a lot less and were far less friendly after that incident. I wasn't bothered by it, but I did think it was pretty funny. I think I may have actually laughed at her when she got mad at me about it, which probably didn't help the situation.

I noticed women don't do this siht in the beginning of a relationship or friendship. Once they spend some time with you or gotten to know you well, then this BS starts like we are suppose to read their minds. I bet if that was some random coworker you knew little about and if you offer the same advice to her, I bet you wouldn't get the silent treatment.

[gregpark]

Women are not logical. Logic just seems to not be in their makeup. Every woman I've ever known (plenty) is just nucking futs (at least in my male pea brain)

[LEAKYSEALS951]

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Kobayashi_Maru

[Baz]

[masraum]

Originally Posted by leakyseals951

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/kobayashi_maru

roflmao!

[masraum]

Originally Posted by Baz

[rfuerst911sc]

Guilty . I think most men that are gear heads/handy tend to help others . And most people receiving the help are thankful . There are exceptions of course but that's OK.

[Shaun @ Tru6]

In my experience:

Men are just as good at being a Karen as women. I can confess that my own sense of doing jobs right and being a perfectionist can induce Karen urges. Most times I conquer them and remain disappointed in the population as a whole.

Women want to be listened to and verified when they are down.

Women are better problem solvers than men when they are up. Or when the problem doesn't involve them.

Women listen and think and then do, men do and don't think and then trying doing again.

[wdfifteen]

Originally Posted by Gogar

Women don't want you to solve the problem, they want you to empathize with the emotions the problems have caused.

In the feminine world feelings = power. When you solve the problem you are ignoring their feelings and rendering them powerless. Yeah it's dumb.

Never thought of it that way, but yeah, that makes a lot of sense. And once you’ve “solved” the problem you no longer a need to give them your attention. More lost power.