Reviewing parental end of life documents

[Shaun @ Tru6]

is sobering. Reading through the health care proxy, HIPAA, power of attorney and will really hits home how much every day should be cherished. I feel good about up until now and will be thinking about the years to come and how to make them the best they can be for my mom.

[Evans, Marv]

Good for you Shaun. My mother died fifteen years ago and my dad twenty three years ago. Their affairs were handled by my sister who lives in the same town and is a promanent business person in the area. She did the bulk of looking after them, and I did what I could from a distance. I'm trying to get my things taken care of to make things as easy as possible for my wife. You're a good son.

[Baz]

Thanks for looking out for Mom, Shaun. No higher calling.

FWIW......I bookmarked these 16 threads a while back because I saw this all coming with my Mom....and just added the most recent one to make 17 all together.

Lot of useful info in these older threads:

https://forums.pelicanparts.com/off-topic-discussions/1130825-elderly-parent-care-index-thread.html

[E Sully]

It's not easy Shaun. My father died from Parkinson's in 2007, and my 91 year old mother is in assisted living for the past 2 1/2 years. She was fairly active till about 6 months ago. I do as much as I can for her, but it is rough watching them slowly lose their abilities. Now she can hardly get out of bed, and I am arranging for aids to help her dress and bathe.
One of the biggest fights I had was getting her to stop driving. My father was easy. One day he just said he didn't want to drive anymore and risk hurting someone else. Mom was not easy. Even after 3 car accidents in a year, all left turns out of parking lots, my mother still refused. I had taken over all her affairs and lied a little that her insurance company was dropping her. Fortunately she took my word for it and didn't call the insurance company. Of course one of the issues with that is I have to take care of her transportation needs, but the roads are a little safer.

[oldE]

My wife has POA for her 94 y/o mother. It is so hard to watch this wonderful woman's body let her down. Every move requires assistance. She has had a DNR order in place for years. It is what it is, as the MIL and I were agreeing. Nobody gets out of this life alive. The transition can suck, though. She is ready, as was the FIL 11 years ago and my own parents two decades ago. I hope to face shuffling off this mortal coil with half their grace when the time comes.
Best
Les

[Lois Lane]

Hi Shaun-

This is Lois Lane, friend of Clark Kent who mysteriously disappears from time to time. I just went through all of this with my parents, this year.

I don't know your mom's circumstances, but my Dad was on hospice care for more than a year. He had terminal cancer. He worked with End of Life Washington and was able to have an assisted death. In Washington that can be done if the person has had a terminal diagnosis for more than 6 months and is of sound mind and can make the decision. It was weird, but was the best decision for him. Don't know if where you are that's an option. But it's a good option for some.

My mom was in assisted living with late-stage Parkinson's. She lasted there for maybe a month until she had a stroke. They didn't really figure out what was wrong with her until Superman and I took her to the ER, like a day and a half later, where they admitted her immediately, but by then it was really to late to do anything. Ultimately she ended up in a rehab place where they took good care of her until she passed about 6 months later. But it was hard to watch her fade away to nothing.

It's good that you have all of this taken care of before serious disability. The caregivers won't do anything unless you have the documents in order. And you have to be assertive and directive (nicely of course) to get what you want and what you think your parent would want. And visit constantly to make sure they are doing what they are supposed to. The caregivers try but there are not enough of them and they don't get paid very much. And really have those conversations in advance about what your parent wants when they are dying to have happen and arrange accordingly. It's important. I wish I could've persuaded my mom to make those decisions in advance-I ultimately had to decide for her and had to be quite assertive in getting the caregivers to give her drugs that would ease her transition-she was really suffering at the end and I couldn't do much to help her.

BTW I am also still a lawyer and though I have no expertise in this area I learned a lot through the process. Let me know if I can help. -Lois

[rattlsnak]

Been going through this over the last 2 years with my parents. While my mother passed last year my father is still at home with caregivers coming 2 hours a day, every day. He was driving this time last year and now he cant remember his birthday or do simple tasks. Its sobering to say the least.

[fanaudical]

Good on you for being involved and aware of their decisions.

My mom won't share the arrangements she's made with me or my brother (her only children). Given her past mishandling of other affairs, I expect a mess when she passes away.

[pwd72s]

An article written by a financial newsletter guy Cindy & I subscribe to...who knows he doesn't have much time left.

https://humbledollar.com/2024/07/no-slowing-down/?utm_source=mailpoet&utm_medium=email&utm_source_platform=mailpoet&utm_campaign=another-ses-test_7

No Slowing Down
Jonathan Clements | Jul 27, 2024
WHO HAS TIME TO die? I never realized death would be so busy.

I thought I had my financial affairs in good order. But in the two months since my cancer diagnosis, I’ve made countless financial tweaks, mostly with a view to making things easier after my death for my wife Elaine and my two children.

Here are just some of the steps I’ve taken:

I took my two checking accounts—my personal account and the business account for HumbleDollar—and made Elaine the joint account holder with rights of survivorship. One reason for the switch: My personal account is automatically debited for all utilities and other household bills, and the change in titling should make it easier for Elaine to keep tabs on things after my death.
I’ve cancelled two of my four credit cards, and plan to cancel one more once I’ve used the rewards I’ve accumulated. That’ll leave just one card. Elaine has two cards of her own, so we’ll have a backup if a card gets hacked, lost or stolen during the trips we have planned for the months ahead.
I closed a small IRA I inherited from my father in 2009. It had just $6,700 in it, but I’d hung on to it, partly for sentimental reasons and partly to avoid the income-tax bill triggered by liquidating the account. But after my diagnosis, I figured shutting down the account would be one less thing for my family to deal with.
I rolled over the solo 401(k) I had at Vanguard Group—which was all Roth dollars—into my Roth IRA. That, too, means one less thing to deal with after my death. Even before my diagnosis, I was irked that Vanguard was turning over administration of its solo 401(k) operation to another company, another tell-tale sign of the firm’s weak commitment to less important lines of business. But with my diagnosis, I also realized I was less interested in saving for the future and more focused on giving, and that’s where my extra dollars will go from now on, rather than into my solo 401(k).
I’m in the middle of getting a new will, along with medical and financial powers of attorney. Yes, I’m finally getting those powers of attorney—a missing piece of my financial life that I’d acknowledged last year and which triggered some well-deserved tut-tutting from commenters.
I tweaked my IRA’s beneficiary designations. My two children will split my Roth IRA, which seems like the tax-smart way to go, because emptying that account over 10 years won’t mean extra taxable income on top of their current salaries. Meanwhile, Elaine and my kids will share my traditional IRA, with its embedded income-tax bill.
I added Elaine as the beneficiary of my modest health savings account and the variable annuity I bought through Vanguard more than two decades ago. I purchased the latter when I was maxing out on my other retirement accounts and looking for further tax-deferred growth. Like its solo 401(k) operation, Vanguard’s variable annuity business was unceremoniously turned over to another financial firm, in this case Transamerica.
I have a few banker’s boxes of financial papers stashed in the basement, which I’m now in the midst of pruning. Among other things, those boxes include every tax return since 1986, when I moved to the New York area from London. Yes, there’s some serious shredding to be done.
I forgave the private mortgage I wrote for my daughter in 2015. That’ll necessitate me filing a gift-tax return for 2024, thereby reducing my $13.61 million federal estate-tax exemption. But given that my estate won’t be worth anywhere close to $13.61 million, there’s no financial downside.
I’ve also made financial gifts to my new grandson and son. But if I don’t live for 12 months after making these various gifts, all concerned—my so-called lineal descendants—will face Pennsylvania’s 4.5% inheritance tax on all but $3,000 of the gifts. That isn’t an issue with Elaine, who as my spouse isn’t subject to the inheritance tax. Even before my diagnosis, we’d planned to get married. We moved up the date when I got the bad news.
There’s still more to come: I need to move various insurance policies—such as homeowner’s, flood and umbrella liability—into Elaine’s name. Ditto for various utility bills. I also need to make Elaine the person responsible for purchasing the various technology services that keep HumbleDollar humming along. And as I mentioned a few weeks ago, we’re still trying to figure out the best Social Security claiming strategy for Elaine, knowing she may be able to receive my benefit as a survivor benefit.

Jonathan Clements is the founder and editor of HumbleDollar. Follow him on X @ClementsMoney and on Facebook, and check out his earlier articles.

[rfuerst911sc]

It's something we all go through yet we are generally not trained to do so . Most of us wing it the best we can as emotions run all over the place . I say do the best you can and don't look back .

[Joeaksa]

Shaun,

I lost my parents about 30 years ago then Brother passed 6 years ago of Altzeimers, both sisters within a year or two later. Guess (other than their kids) I am the last one left.

I started a private trust about 15 years ago. Thats great because I am poor as a church mouse, but the trust is doing pretty good. It covers most everything needed and keeps most of the funds away from the "money grubbing lawyers & Govt" who do not need a penny of what I slaved to save all of these years.

Any of you who do not have a trust, please look into it, its well worth the $$ and peace of mind.

[pwd72s]

Originally Posted by Joeaksa

Shaun,

I lost my parents about 30 years ago then Brother passed 6 years ago of Altzeimers, both sisters within a year or two later. Guess (other than their kids) I am the last one left.

I started a private trust about 15 years ago. Thats great because I am poor as a church mouse, but the trust is doing pretty good. It covers most everything needed and keeps most of the funds away from the "money grubbing lawyers & Govt" who do not need a penny of what I slaved to save all of these years.

Any of you who do not have a trust, please look into it, its well worth the $$ and peace of mind.

Good advice...a good contract lawyer is worth the money spent..

[greglepore]

Shaun, I get it. My dad lived to be 99, but the last 5 years were a slow slide. Mentally fine, body giving out. We'd talk, and I'd manage his affairs. One day, he asked me to consolidate all of his account to Vanguard, which I did. Then he had a TIA, and when he came to, he wanted to see a statement. Well, stuff was not onboarded and he thought I stole it. Took a long weekend of various family members to explain. Once lucid, he was more than apologetic.
Anyhow, yeah, its sobering. Particularly for those of us that aren't "married". I have an s/o for many years but we've just never bothered, but its getting practically such that we should.
In any event, help those cleaning up the mess:https://www.amazon.com/Oh-****-Im-Dead-Thoughts/dp/B09XZVMYVZ or similar. Password manager and they have master password. Explicit instructions about where assets are and how to access. POA's filled out-many institutions won't recognize a general power not on their form until a court intervenes-find that out in advance.
And tell 'em where the keys to the Porsche(s) are.