If men ruled the world

[JavaBrewer]

Compiled from various authors and sources -

If Men Ruled the World.

**SEX AND RELATIONSHIPS**

Any fake phone number a girl gave you would automatically forward your call to her real number.
Nodding and looking at your watch would be deemed an acceptable response to "I love you".
In order to expedite the sleeping together part, eye contact would count as a first date.
A man could give up a lucrative job for a career in the rodeo without having to hold a "family meeting".
Hallmark would make "Sorry, what was your name again?" cards.
Speaking solely in Clint Eastwood quotes would count as "opening up."
When your girlfriend really needed to talk to you during the game, she’d appear in a little box in the corner of the screen during a time-out.
Brassieres could be unclasped by gently blowing on them.
You could never be turned down when asking a woman to dance, because there’d be no more frickin’ dancing.
Answering machines would automatically edit out your lame jokes, coughing fits, and long, anguished pauses.
Breaking up would be a lot easier - a smack on the ass and a " Nice hustle, you’ll get ‘em next time" would pretty much do it
Birth control would come in ale or lager

**WORK**

You’d be expected to fill your resume with gag names of people you’d worked for, like "Heywood J’Blowme".
At any time, and for any reason, you’d be allowed to build a campfire in your office.
Each year, your raise would be pegged to the fortunes of the NFL team of your choice.
The funniest guy in the office would get to be CEO.
Every memo would require, as a cover sheet, a photocopy of the author’s ass.
"Sorry I’m late, but I got really wasted last night" would be an acceptable excuse for tardiness.
Ties would still be required, but they’d be make of beef jerky.
At the end of the workday, a whistle would sound and you’d jump out your window and slide down the tail
of a brontosaurus and right into your car like Fred Flintstone.

**LEISURE**

Flipping the board over in Monopoly would make you the winner.
It’d be considered harmless fun to gather 30 friends, put on horned helmets, and go pillage a nearby town.
Lifeguards could remove citizens from beaches for violating the "public ugliness" ordinance.
Tanks would be far easier to rent.
Garbage would take itself out.
Easy chairs would give hand jobs.
All bars and clubs would have comfy "sleep it off" rooms.
There’d be a spray, similar to the ones that keep pets away from furniture, that would keep your in-laws away from your house.
Disney World would introduce MedievalTortureLand.
Car horns would be loud enough to crumble stone walls.

**TRADITIONS**

Instead of an expensive engagement ring, you could present your wife-to-be with a giant foam hand that said, "You’re #1".
Dueling would make a big comeback.
First the cigar, then dessert, and so on back through to the soup…salad only if you still had room.
Valentine’s Day would be moved to February 29 so it would only occur in leap years. Instead
of candy and cards, it would involve a loving exchange of lunch meats.
Handshakes would be replaced by shoves.
The national Anthem would be played before the premiere of any porno film.
On Groundhog Day, if you saw your shadow, you’d get the day off to go drinking. Mother’s Day, too.
St. Patrick’s Day however, would remain exactly the same, but would be celebrated every month.

**ENTERTAINMENT**

Garrison Keillor would be the prey in a Wild Kingdom episode.
Cops would be broadcast live, and you could phone in advice to the pursuing cops. Or the crooks.
Regis and Kathie Lee would be chained to a cement mixer and pushed off the Golden Gate Bridge
for the most lucrative pay-per-view event in world history.
Oprah would become a pro wrestler with the moniker Eater of Worlds.

**SPORTS**

The super Bowl would feature teams composed of actual superheroes.
The victors in any athletic competition would get to kill and eat the losers.
Michael would have to keep playing basketball long into his 80’s until his bones started snapping like breadsticks.
The only show opposite Monday Night Football would be Monday Night Football from a Different Camera Angle.
All auto races would be demolition derbies.

**LAWS**

You could murder, with impunity, any man who draws a distinction between heat and humidity.
It would be perfectly legal to steal a sports car, as long as you returned it the following day with a full tank of gas.
Every man would get 4 real Get Out of Jail Free cards per year.
It would be a class-A felony for a man to call himself a feminist.
Death row gladiator championships.
Antiquing would be a crime punishable by being flayed alive.
No highway would have a speed limit, and every one would be shaped like an oval.
When a cop gave you a ticket, every smart-aleck answer you responded with would actually reduce your fine, As in:
Cop: "You know how fast you were going:"
You: "All I know is, I was spilling my beer all over the place."
Cop: "Nice one, That’s $10 off."

**EVERYTHING ELSE**

Elevator CLOSE DOOR buttons would be responsive to the point of injury.
Male nurses would just be called doctors, no matter what their level of training.
Faucets would run "hot", "cold" and "100 proof".
Daisy Duke shorts would never again go out of style.
Telephones would automatically cut off after 30 seconds of conversation.
Nothing would be taken too seriously.