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and baileys and rosies lime juice is a "cement mixer" |
A Sicilian Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks. His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me." The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about." The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!!!" The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him. "Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge " The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." |
Billy-Bob ,appeared on 'Who Wants To Be A Millionaire'
And towards the end of the program had already won 500,000 dollars. "You've done very well so far," said Chris Tarrant, The show's presenter, "but for a million dollars You've only got one life-line left – phone a friend. Everything is riding on this question.....will you go for it?" "Yes, Mam," said Billy-Bob. "I'll have a go!" "Which of the following birds does NOT build its own nest? a) Sparrow b) Thrush, c) Magpie, d) Cuckoo?" "I ain't gotta a clue." said Billy-Bob, “so I'll use one-a them live-lines and phone my buddy Charlie back home in Hickory Holler." Billy-Bob called up his buddy, and told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him. "Fookin hell, Billy-Bob!" cried Charlie. "Too simple...... It's a cuckoo." "Are you sure?" "Heck-fire, BB I'm fookin sure." Billy-Bob hung up the phone and told Chris, "I'll go wit Cuckoo as my answer cause Charlie gots a grade eight dee-ploma." "Is that your final answer?" asked Chris. "Yes it is, Mam" There was a long - long pause, and then the presenter screamed, "Cuckoo is the correct answer! Billy-Bob, you've won 1 million Dollars!" The next night, Billy-Bob invited Charlie to their local watering hole to buy him a drink. "Tell me, Charlie ole son? How did you know it was them Cuckoos that don't build their own nest?" "You never was the brightest, Billy-Bob. Because he lives in a Fookin clock!" Les |
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.
He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife: "Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants s*x, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll k*ll us. Be strong, honey. I love you." To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!" |
Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune when his sickly father died, he decided he needed to find a wife with whom to share his fortune. One evening, at an investment meeting, he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away. "I may look like just an ordinary guy," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die and I will inherit $200 million." Impressed, the woman asked for his business card and three days later, she became his stepmother. Women are so much better at financial planning than men. |
Calling the Police
George, an elderly man was going up to bed,
when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things. He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me. Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available." George said, "Okay." He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again. "Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot them." and he hung up. Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed. One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!" George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!" |
Why You DOn't Question a Drunk
I was shopping at the local supermarket where I selected:
A half-gallon of 2% milk A carton of eggs A quart of orange juice A head of romaine lettuce A 2 lb. can of coffee A 1 lb. package of bacon As I was unloading my items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind me watched as I placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up the purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single." I was a bit startled by this proclamation, but I was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since I was indeed single. I looked at the six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about my selections that could have tipped off the drunk to my marital status. Curiosity getting the better of me, I said: "Well, you know what, you're absolutely right. But how on earth did you know that?" The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly." |
I went to the doctor's the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female and drop-dead gorgeous!
I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll help you in any way I can." I said, "I think my penis tastes funny..." |
Can Cold Water Clean Dishes?
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean. John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Saskatchewan After spending a great evening chatting the night away, the next morning John's grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, 'Are these plates clean?' His grandfather replied, 'They're as clean as cold water can get’em. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!' For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates, ahis appeared to have tiny specks around theedge that looked like dried egg and asked, 'Are you sure these plates are clean?' Without looking up the old man said, 'I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as Clean as cold water can get them…Now don't you fret. I don't want to hear another word about it!' Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather's dog started to growl, and wouldn't let him pass. John yelled and said, 'Grandfather, your dog won't let me get to my car'. Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted! 'Coldwater, go lay down now, yah hear me!' |
very un-PC
what do you call a mentally challenged child who is late for class two days in a row? re-tardy |
What do we call them?
What do we call the very last person to barely squeak by the boards (sometimes after several failed attempts) and graduate from Medical school...?
Answer: "Doctor" Be sure to ask a few questions before turning your health over to anyone in the bottom 1/3 of their class. Competent Doctors are no more costly than the slow learners. And your Obama Care probably won't make things any better. The choice is (and should be) yours! Not really funny at all. I'm not a doctor but I play one in the back seat at drive-in movies... |
"Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off their boats?" "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the f ____in ’ boat." :D |
A 30 year old blonde woman decides to try horseback riding for the first time.
With no lessons, nor prior experience, she mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.. In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seeminglyimpervious to its slipping rider. Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune..... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse. And you thought all they did was say Hello. |
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A woman goes to the doctor, beaten black and blue.
Doctor: "What happened?" Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start gargling with it. Just gargle and gargle." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I gargled with sweet tea. I gargled and gargled, and nothing happened!" Doctor: "You see how keeping your mouth shut helps?" |
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband.
************************************* A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the guy.' ******************************************** A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.' |
A man in a hot air balloon, realizing he was lost, reduced altitude and spotted a woman below.
He descended further and shouted to the lady: “Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am.” The woman below replied, “You’re in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You’re between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude.” “You must be in IT,” said the balloonist. “Actually I am,” replied the woman, “How did you know?” “Well,” answered the balloonist, “everything you told me is technically correct but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I’m still lost. Frankly, you’ve not been much help at all. If anything, you’ve delayed my trip.” The woman below responded, “You must be in Management.” “As a matter of fact I am,” replied the balloonist, “but how did you know?” “Well,” said the woman, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going. You’ve risen to where you are now due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you’ve no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is, you are in exactly the same position you were before we met, but somehow, it’s MY fault!” |
Back in France in the late 1700s, three men were to be executed by the guillotine: a priest, a lawyer and an engineer.
First the priest was led to the device. His neck was laid on the cradle at the bottom of the guillotine. The blade was hoisted to the top of the device, paused, and then released. Just a few inches before the blade struck his neck, it suddenly stopped! The watching crowd gasped! The executioner, thunderstruck by the fact that his device had failed to finish its job, said to the priest, “The penalty was ordered by the court, the procedure was carried out, but the device failed to complete its job. You are hereby free to go. Never show your face in this town again.” The priest, thanking his good fortune, hurried away from the execution area, never to be seen again. The lawyer was next. He was led up, hands shackled, and his head was laid on the cradle at the bottom of the device. The blade was raised, sprung free at the top of the track, and sped down the rails to the counselor’s neck. Suddenly, he, too, was spared, as the blade stopped just inches from his neck. The executioner, again faced by the fact that his device had failed to finish its job, said to the lawyer, “The penalty was ordered by the court, the procedure was carried out, but the device failed to complete its job. You are hereby free to go. Never show your face in this town again.” The lawyer, thanking his good fortune, hurried away, determined to start a new career in a new town. Lastly, the engineer was led up the steps to the guillotine. As he was led to the place where he would lay his neck, he looked up at the guillotine, and said, “Oh, I see what the problem is!” |
Great Medical Advice!
Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp." Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he passes out." Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn. Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!" Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?" |
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