How about a joke thread?
 

warning: pun ahead

Henry Ford gets a phone call from an excited trio of Jewish brothers who invite him to come and see their new invention. "It will change cars forever" they state. Now Henry is well-known to dislike Jews, but he decides to investigate their claims anyway. He meets them at a warehouse in July, and they take him inside where a lone Model A sedan is sitting. One of the brothers invites Henry to join him inside the car, and only after a few minutes, the car becomes hot and uncomfortable. "Damn it man, show me your invention!" bellows Henry, so the guys starts the car and presses a button on the dashboard. Instantly, cool, dry air fills the interior, and a big smile comes over Henry's face. He realizes this is a great invention, so the talks begin. The brother starts off:
"We want $500,000 for the patent."
"No way" says Henry.
"Okay, how about $400,000 then?"
"Nope. Too expensive."
"Well, my final offer is $300,000, BUT, you have to include me and my brother's names on every car!"
Henry thinks for a moment, then agrees to the deal.

So, to this very day, you look on the dash of any Ford vehicle, and you'll see the names "HI, MAX and NORM.

<groan>

HISTORY LESSON. In 1923, who was:

1. President of the largest steel company?
2. President of the largest gas company?
3. President of the New York Stock Exchange?
4. Greatest wheat speculator?
5. President of the Bank of International Settlement?
6. Great Bear of Wall Street?

These men were considered some of the worlds most successful of their day.

Now, 80 years later, the history book asks us, if we know what
ultimately became of them.

The answers:

1. The president of the largest steel company, Charles Schwab, died a pauper.

2. The president of the largest gas company, Edward Dopson, went insane.

3. The president of the NYSE, Richard Whitney, was released from prison to die at home.

4. The greatest wheat speculator, Arthur Cooger, died abroad, penniless.

5. The president of the Bank of International Settlement, shot himself.

6. The Great Bear of Wall Street, Cosabee Livermore, also committed suicide.

However, in that same year, 1923, the PGA Champion and the winner of the most important golf tournament, the US Open, was Gene Sarazen.

What became of him?

He played golf until he was 92, died in 1999 at the age of 95.

He was financially secure at the time of his death.

The moral:

Screw work. Play golf.

A 10-year old kid with a speech impediment went trick-or-treating and dressed up as a pirate. He went up to the house of an elderly neighbor woman and rang the bell. The woman took one look at him and said, "ohhh, you look sooo cute - you're a pirate! But where are your bucaneers?" she laughed. The kid got pissed and replied, "they're on the sides of my buckin' head!!!".

A little girl was talking to her teacher about whales. The teacher
said it was physically impossible for a
whale to swallow a human because even though it was
a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could
not swallow a human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, "When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah".
The teacher asked, " What if Jonah went to hell?"
The little girl replied, "Then you ask him".

[stolen from a site]Two atoms crossed the road.
One says to the other: "I think I dropped an electron". "Are you sure?". "Positive".

Two Women at the Pearly Gates

Two women are new arrivals at the pearly gates and
are comparing stories on how they died.

1st woman: I froze to death.

2nd woman: How horrible!

1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking
from the cold, I began to get warm and sleepy, and
finally died a peaceful death. What about you?

2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I
suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came
home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him
all by himself in the den watching TV.

1st woman: So what happened?

2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman
there somewhere that I started running all over the
house looking.
I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into
the basement. Then I went through every closet and
checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I
had looked everywhere, and finally I became so
exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart
attack and died!

1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer.
We'd both still be alive

two blondes walk into a bar...

you'd think one of them would have noticed

This is a very old joke & one if only two I can ever remember.
Three women were discussing past husbands & how many times they had been married. They asked one of the ladies how many times she had been married and what her husbands had done. She said she had been married three times, first to a doctor, next to a lawyer and last to a farmer. The other women said that was quite an impressive variety and asked which one she liked best. Without hesitation she said by far she liked the farmer best. The other two women seemed surprised & asked why the farmer was the best. The lady explained that the doctor only examined it, and the lawyer just talked about it, BUT THAT FARMER HAD PLOWED RIGHT INTO IT!

:rolleyes:

The Miracle of Toilet Paper

Fresh from the shower, a woman stands in front of the mirror, complaining to her husband that her breasts are too small. Instead of characteristically telling her it's not so, he uncharacteristically comes up with a suggestion:

"If you want your breasts to grow, then every day take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between your breasts for a few seconds. Willing to try anything, she fetches a piece of toilet paper and stand in front of the mirror, rubbing it between her breasts.

"How long will this take?" she asks.

They will grow larger over a period of years," he replies.

She stops. "Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will make my breasts larger over the years?"

Without missing a beat he says, "Worked for your butt, didn't it?"


He's still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again.

Stupid, stupid man.

Why is Italy shaped like a boot?


They couldn't fit all that crap in a sneaker.

President Kerry
{snort}

This is Overpaid Slacker. I'm at Ron's and forgot my password.

JP

Three men are going to a business conference in Switzerland, a Mechanical Engineer, a Software Engineer, and a Manager. On the way down one of the steep winding Alpine hills on the way to the conference, the vehicle's brakes fail completely, sending the hapless businessmen careening down the switchbacks at breakneck speed. The Mechanical Engineer, driving, is finally able to bring the vehicle to a smoking halt at the end of a long trail of debris and screaming car-mates.

"Well," the Manager asserts, after regaining his calm, "What we need to do is establish a Mission Statement, form a committee to make a series of goals, devise a Plan of Action and Milestones document, then go to the conference."

"Ha!" laughs the Mechanical Engineer. "That's never worked before! The solution is obvious -- I have my Swiss Army knife and some chewing gum. I'll just repair the brakes, and we'll be back on our way."

The Software Engineer, deep in thought the whole time, finally steps in. "Gentlemen, your answers are both clearly incorrect. First thing we need to do is push the car back to the top of the hill and see if it happens again."

NOAA is discussing reshaping the defination of Relative Humidity.

to the amount of sweat generated from sex with your sister.

Doing their research in Arkansas?

"She's got a family tree like a telephone pole..."

How do we know that the toothbrush was invented in the south?

If it wasn't it would have been called a teethbrush.

A farmer buys several pigs, hoping to breed them for ham, bacon, etc...After several weeks, he notices that none of the pigs are getting pregnant and calls a vet for help.
The vet tells the farmer that he should try artificial insemination.

The farmer doesn't have the slightest idea what this means but, not wanting to display his ignorance, he only asks the vet how he will know when the pigs are pregnant.
The vet tells him that they will stop standing around and will lay down and wallow in the mud when they are pregnant.

The farmer hangs up and gives this some thought. He comes to the conclusion that artificial insemination means that he has to impregnate the pigs. So, he loads the pigs into his truck drives them out into the woods, has sex with them all, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes and looks out at the pigs. Seeing that they are all still standing around, he concludes that the first try didn't take, and loads them in the truck again. He drives them out to the woods, bangs each pig twice for good measure, brings them back and goes to bed.

Next morning, he wakes to find the pigs still just standing around. One more try, he tells himself, and proceeds to load them up and drive them out to the woods. He spends all day shagging the pigs, and upon returning home, fall into the bed.

The next morning, he cannot even raise himself from the bed to look at the pigs. He asks his wife to look out and tell him if the pigs are laying in the mud "No, "she says, "they're all in the truck and one of them is honking the horn

A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal in a convertible
sports car for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for
her driver's license.
The blonde convertible driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally
she asks, "What does it look like?" The blonde police officer tells her,
"It's that thing with your picture on it."

The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact,
opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde
cop. After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her
eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says,
"If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled
you over we could have avoided this whole thing."

Why is it that an object that circles above our hemisphere is called an asteroid while something that protroudes from your a$$ is a hemorrhoid?

An Italian walks into a bank in New York City and
asks for the loan
officer.
He tells the loan officer that he is going to
Italy on business for
two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000..

The bank officer tells him that the bank will
need some form of
security for the loan, so the Italian hands over
the keys to a new
Ferrari.. The car is parked on the street in
front of the bank. The
Italian produces the title and everything checks
out. The loan officer

agrees to accept the car as collateral for the
loan.

The bank's president and its officers all enjoy
a good laugh at the
Italian for using a $250,000 Ferrari as
collateral against a $5,000
loan.
An employee of the bank then drives the Ferrari
into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Italian returns, repays the
$5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, "Sir, we are very happy
to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out
very nicely, but we are
a little puzzled. While you were away, we
checked you out and found
that you are a
multi- millionaire. What puzzles us is, why
would you bother to borrow

$5,000?"

The Italian replies: "Where else in New York
City can I park my car
for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to
be there when I
return?"

A man absolutely hated his wife's cat and decided to
get rid of him one day by driving him 20 miles from his home
and leaving him at the park. As he arrived home, the cat was
walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 miles away. He
put the beast out and headed home. Driving back up his
driveway, there was the cat!

He kept taking the cat further and further, and the cat would
always beat him home. At last he decided to drive a few hundred miles
away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right
again and another right until he reached what he thought was
a safe distance from his home and left the cat there.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: "Jen, is the cat
there?"

"Yes", the wife answers, "why do you ask?"

Frustrated, the man answered, "Put the little bastard on the
phone, I'm lost and need directions."

What's the difference between a woman in church, and a woman in the shower?
The woman in church has a "soul full of hope"!

what does FIAT stand for?

(in an Italian accent):

Fix It Again, Tony!

A bus stops and two Italian men get on.
They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation.
The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first,
but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:

"Emma come first. Den I come.
Two asses, dey come together. I come again.
Two asses, dey come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come once-a more."

"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly,
"in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man,
"Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

A guy calls his boss to let him know he is sick, and won't be coming to work

His boss replies, "You don't sound sick"

To which he replied, "Well, I'm ****** my sister, is that sick enough for ya"

Three old men are discussing their sex lives.


The Italian man says, "Last week, my wife and I had great sex. I rubbed her
body all over with olive oil, we made passionate love, and she screamed for 5
minutes at the end."

The Frenchman boasts, "Last week when my wife and I had sex, I rubbed her
body all over with butter. We then made passionate love and she screamed for 15
minutes."

The old Jewish man says, "Well, last week my wife and I had sex too. I
rubbed her body all over with chicken schmaltz (kosher chicken fat), we made
love, and she screamed for 6 hours."

The Italian and Frenchman were stunned. They replied, what could you have
possibly done to make your wife scream for 6 hours?"

"I wiped my hands on the drapes."

A cat died and went to Heaven. God met her at the gates and said, "You have been a good cat all of these years. Anything you want is yours for the asking." The cat thought a minute and then said, "All my life I lived on a farm and slept on hard wooden floors. I would like a real fluffy pillow to sleep on." God said, "Say no more." Instantly, the cat had a huge fluffy pillow.

A few days later, six mice were killed in an accident and they all went to Heaven together. God met the mice at the gates with the same offer that He made to the cat. The mice said, "Well, we have had to run all of our lives: from cats, dogs and even people with brooms! If we could just have some little roller skates, we would never have to run again. God answered, "It is done." All the mice had beautiful little roller skates.

About a week later, God decided to check on the cat. He found her sound sleep on her fluffy pillow. God gently awakened the cat and asked, "Is everything ok? How have you been doing? Are you happy?" The cat replied, "Oh, it is WONDERFUL. I have never been so happy in my life! My pillow is fluffy, and those little Meals on Wheels you have been sending over are delicious!"

An oldy but a goodie...

A very successful lawyer parked his brand-new Porsche in front of his office, ready to show it off to his colleagues. As he got out, a truck passed too close and completely tore the door off of the driver's side. The counselor immediately grabbed his cell phone, dialed 911(hee hee!) and within minutes a policeman pulled up.
Before the officer had a chance to ask any questions, the lawyer started screaming hysterically. His Porsche, which he had just picked up the day before, was now completely ruined and would never be the same, no matter what the body shop did to it.
When the lawyer finally wound down from his ranting and raving, the officer shook his head in disgust and disbelief.
"I can't believe how materialistic you lawyers are," he said. "You are so focused on your possessions that you don't notice anything else."
"How can you say such a thing?" asked the lawyer.
The cop replied, "Don't you know that your left arm is missing from the elbow down? It must have been torn off when the truck hit you."
"Ahhh!" screamed the lawyer. "Where's my Rolex!"

The following are all replies that British women have put on the child support agency forms in the section for listing fathers details: These are genuine excerpts from the files.

"regarding the of the father of my twins,child A was fathered by Jim Munson. I am unsure as to the identity of the child BE,But I believe he was conceived the same night."

" I am unsure of the identity of the father of my child as I was being sick out the window when I was taken from behind. I can provide you with a list of names of men that I think were at the party if this would help."

"I do not know the identity of the father of my little girl.He drives a
BMW that now has a hole made by my stilleto heel in one of the panels of the door. Perhaps you can check BMW service stations in the area and see if hes had it replaced."

"I am unsure as to the identity of the father of my baby, after all when you eat a can of beans you cant be sure which one made you fart."

Punch lines only:

"Yeah, and deep too."

and

"'Cause they can."

Why don't Italians like Jehovah's Witnesses?

(Italian accent)
Because Italians don't like ANY f*cking witnesses.
(/Italian accent)

********************

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

(blank stare)
Wanna ride bikes?

JP

A maid in ye olde English estate approaches the head butler and timidly asks"Excuse me sir, but what is a 'Faux pas?'"
Jeeves looks down his nose at the simple girl and begins:"You will recall how M'Lady had invited the Archbishop to visit today as the roses in the garden were exquisite?" The girl nods.
"And you will also remember that whilst the Archbishop was admiring M'Lady's roses, he perchanced to prick his finger upon a thorn?" Again she nods.
"Now listen carefully!" he commands. "Later, when M'Lady was serving tea and enquired of the Archbishop,'Tell me Archbishop. Does your swollen prick still throb painfully?' And you dropped the tray of silver.... That was a faux pas."
Les

radio prank gone wrong

http://www.primepuzzle.com/leeslightest/radio_prank.html

Oops! HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA
That's priceless.

JCM

The prank is great. Haha.

That prank definitely backfired...lol

One blonde was trying to cross the street....she spied another blonde on the other side.....

She yelled over to the second blonde and asked....how do you get to the other side???

The second blonde answered after about five minutes....you ARE on the other side....

The Baltimore Police Department, famous for it's superior K-9 unit, was
somewhat taken back by a recent incident. Returning home from work, a
blonde haired women, had been shocked to find her house ransacked and
burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police
dispatcher broadcasted the call on the channels, and a K-9 unit patrolling
nearby was the first on the scene.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the woman
ran out on the porch, clapped a hand to her head and moaned, "I come home
from work to find all my possessions stolen, I call the police for help, and
what do they do? They send a BLIND policeman."

Bar jokes:
A horse walks into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Hey buddy, why the long face?"

A 6 foot tall grasshopper walks into a bar. All of the patrons are stunned into silence as the grasshopper walks up to the bartender. Finally recomposing himself the bartender says "Hey, do you know we have a drink named after you?"
The grasshopper says "Really? You have a drink named Phil?"
[rimshot]

What's the difference between the circus, and the Dallas Cowboy Cheerleaders?

The circus is an array of cunning stunts!