How about a joke thread?

[Robert Coats]

Guy goes into a bar and tells the bartender to line up 12 shots of whiskey, then proceeds to down them one right after another....

Bartender: Whoa, take it easy my friend.

Guy: Hey, if you had what I had, you'd drink like this too!

Bartender: What do you have?

Guy: Just a dollar.

[bkreigsr]

Greece beat Japan yesterday in the World Cup
......they came from behind....

[Joe Bob]

Originally Posted by bkreigsr

Greece beat Japan yesterday in the World Cup
......they came from behind....

Just an FYI, because I don't give a crap, butt, having a Greek surname, not all of us are butt pirates. Like all Germans weren't in the SS, all French surrender, blah, blah, yada yada.....

[GH85Carrera]

Joe Bob. It was a JOKE.
All BLONDS are not stupid, it is a joke as well.

[Joe Bob]

I KNOW it's a joke......I ain't Polish.....

[Baz]

WTH is wrong with Pollacks? Geez....

[porsche4life]

Butt Pirates do tend to be a bit "sensitive"...

[craigster59]

How do they separate the men from the boys in Greece? With a crowbar.

[GH85Carrera]

The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.

The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier.

Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."

"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."

The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information.

After a few moments a man, name unknown, at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.

"Yes?" said the Instructor.

"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Brings a tear to your eye, doesn't it?

This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught.

[Don Ro]

Just an old joke...I'll see if I can remember...
.
Husband complains to a sex therapist about his wife becoming less interested in sex.
Therapist glances out the window and notices two dogs gettin' it on out on the courtyard lawn and suggests that the husband try that style.

A week or so later the husband comes back in with the same complaint and the therapist asks what happened to the suggestion.

Husband says, "After 6 Martinis, she couldn't even remain on her hands and knees."
"Six Martinis?!!", the therapist exclaimed. "What were you thinking?"

Husband said, "Hell, it took 3 Martinis before I could get her out on the front lawn."

[GH85Carrera]

Yesterday my daughter e-mailed me again, asking why I didn't do something useful with my time.

Like sitting around the pool and drinking wine is not a good thing …, I said.

Talking about my "doing-something-useful" seems to be her favorite topic of conversation.

She was "only thinking of me" she said and suggested I go down to the Senior Center and hang out with the guys.

I did this and when I got home last night, I decided to play a prank on her.

I e-mailed her and told her that I had joined a Parachute Club.

She replied, "Are you nuts? You are 73 years old and now you're going to start jumping out of airplanes?"

I told her that I even got a Membership Card and e-mailed a copy to her.

She immediately telephoned me, "Good grief, where are your glasses?!

This is a Membership to a Prostitute Club, not a Parachute Club."

"Oh man, I'm in trouble again; I really don't know what to do ... I signed up for five jumps a week!!"

The line went quiet and her friend picked up the phone and said that my daughter had fainted.

Life as a Senior Citizen is not getting any easier, but sometimes it can be fun.

[GH85Carrera]

No dictionary has ever been able to satisfactorily define the difference between "complete" and "finish."
However, during a recent linguistic conference, held in London, England, and attended by some of the best
linguists in the world, Samsundar Balgobin, a Guyanese linguist, was the presenter when he was asked to
make that very distinction.

The question put to him by a colleague in the erudite audience was this: "Some say there is no difference
between 'complete' and 'finished.' Please explain the difference in a way that is easy to understand."

Mr. Balgobin's response: "When you marry the right woman, you are 'complete.' If you marry the wrong woman,
you are 'finished.' And, if the right one catches you with the wrong one, you are 'completely finished.'"

[GH85Carrera]

I saw a poor old lady trip fall over today!
At least I presume she was poor - she only had $1.20 in her purse.

[dafischer]

At an Irish wedding reception someone yelled….
“Would all the married men, please stand next
To the one person who has made your life worth
living.”



The bartender was almost crushed to death.

[GH85Carrera]

In parochial school students are taught that lying is a sin. However, instructors also advised that using a bit of imagination was OK to express the truth differently without lying. Below is a perfect example of those teachings:

Getting a Hairdryer Through Customs.

An attractive young woman on a flight from Ireland asked the Priest beside her, 'Father, may I ask a favor?'

'Of course child. What may I do for you?'

'Well, I bought my mother an expensive hair dryer for her birthday. It is unopened but well over the Customs limits and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through customs for me? Hide it under your robes perhaps?'

'I would love to help you, dear, but I must warn you, I will not lie.'

'With your honest face, Father, no one will question you.'

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go first. The official asked, 'Father, do you have anything to declare?'

'From the top of my head down to my waist I have nothing to declare.'

The official thought this answer strange, so asked, 'And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?'

'I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused.'

Roaring with laughter, the official said, 'Go ahead, Father. Next please!'

[sammyg2]

Originally Posted by Joe Bob

Just an FYI, because I don't give a crap, butt, having a Greek surname, not all of us are butt pirates. Like all Germans weren't in the SS, all French surrender, blah, blah, yada yada.....

"BOB" is not a greek surname
greek men from boys => crow-bar, yuck yuck

[sammyg2]

A blonde, brunette, and redhead go to the doctor and find out that they are pregnant and are wondering about the sex of their babies.
The brunette says, well I was on the bottom so I'm having a boy.
The redhead said I was on top so I'm having a girl.

The Blonde starts crying and says, oh no, I'm having puppies!

[GH85Carrera]

A woman goes to the Doctor, worried about her
husband's temper. The Doctor asks: "What's the problem?"

The woman says: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every day
my husband seems to lose his temper for no reason. It scares me."

The Doctor says: "I have a cure for that. When it seems that your
husband is getting angry, just take a glass of water and start
swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't
swallow it until he either leaves the room or calms down."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking
fresh and reborn. The woman says: "Doctor, that was a brilliant
idea! Every time my husband started losing his temper, I swished
with water. I swished and swished, and he calmed right down!
How does a glass of water do that?"

The Doctor says: "The water itself does nothing. It's keeping
your mouth shut that does the trick."

[charlesbahn]

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[GH85Carrera]

The secret to a long marriage!

At St Peter's Catholic Church in Adelaide , they have weekly husbands' marriage seminars.
At the session last week, the priest asked Giuseppe, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Giuseppe replied to the assembled husbands, “Wella, I'va tried to treat her nicea, spenda da money on her, but besta of all is, I tooka her to Italy for the 20th anniversary!”

The priest responded, “Giuseppe, you are an inspiration to all the husbands here. Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary?”
Giuseppe proudly replied, "I gonna go pick her up."