Breast Cancer-Need Advice

[Hugh R]

last thursday, my wife of 21 years was diagnosised with breast cancer, its advanced enough that they have to do a mastectomy (several sites). Intresting, she has had a mamography every two years, and they were clean. I don't know why I'm posting this on the internet, but I get the sense that you guys/gals are an OK surregate (sp?) family, (pretty weird huh?). Anyway, I'm devastated for her, she's a wonderful woman, and I can't even imagine what she's going to have to go through. She's gotten my daughter through Girl Scouts Gold Award ( the equivalent of the Boy Scouts Eagle) and I could go on, and on, but. Other than giving her lots of love and kisses, (we drove the pcaar out to Malibu last night and had dinner at the Malibu Fish Company, and watched the sunset over ventura what else can I do)? Sorry for rambling, but I feel like I've been kicked in the head, and I needed to talk to someone.

[nostatic]

Hugh,

Very sorry to hear. The best thing I can say is that one of my son's classmate's mom was diagnosed last year. She underwent surgery, and was back walking her son to school a couple weeks later. I see her from time to time (the kids are in different classes now), and she is doing great.

Do you have a doc you like? I can ask one of the docs I know at USC if they have a recommendation at Norris. City of Hope is really good too.

My best to you and her, and let me know if you need anything.

[speeder]

Hugh, Terribly sorry to hear this. I consider you part of my extended Pelican family as well, you're a very cool guy. My Mom is a breast cancer survivor since 1985, she was ~53 yrs. old at the time and is 72 now. Both sides over the course of a year, pretty major mascectomies + reconstructive for appearance, she is absolutely still living life to its fullest. It is a survivable cancer if caught, I will be praying for her and you and your family, as will many others here I'm sure once they read this.

Thank you for thinking enough of us to share this, just keep being the great husband that I know you are.

[speeder]

Hugh, Here is a photo of me dancing w/ my Mom a few years after the breast cancer at my sister's wedding. (And my '80s hair).



I'm going to send you a PM.

[SteveStromberg]

Hugh, this is Judy. I am Steve's wife. I have worked in the Medical field all my life. I assume that she is involved with a physician at Hoag? That is a great facility. I know it's a stressful time for you both but great strides have been made. The network for women facing this is marvelous. Hoag will set her in touch with them and I strongly suggest that she reach out to them. It would be nice if they had that for spouses also. I am impressed that you would bear your soul in here and it's wonderful to know that you both share a strong bond. You need to educate yourselves about this illness and take it one step at a time. If you have the ability to get second opinions that is great also. But CA isn't a death sentence anymore. I know many women that have had a masectomy or bilateral masectomies and are long survivors. Now insurances are accepting reconstruction work also and they do a beauitful job with that.
Steve and I will keep you in our thoughts and will hope that in a year this will just be a bad memory that you overcame.
God Bless you both and I know you will be great support for on another.
Steve and Judy

[campbellcj]

Hugh, very sorry as well to hear the news. Our best wishes will be with your wife and family during the challenging road ahead.

FWIW I have an aunt who is a 15+ year survivor of bilateral masectomies and is completely healthy and happy, ~67 yrs old now and able to keep up with the grandkids and cousins no problem. We are fortunate to live in an area, and time, where superb medical care and support groups are available.

[techweenie]

It's tough news to get, and a big burden to share.

My ex- had breast cancer, had surgery, chemo and radiation and is still alive and well. It may not seem so now, but you'll get through it.

Some people actually feel their lives are improved by going through what you're facing, because it helps them re-order their priorities.

Best of luck to you both.

[rammstein]

My mother had a double masectomy and reconstruction about 3 years ago. She is doing great now. Seeing as how they caught it early, your wife's outlook is pretty darn good these days. Keep strong, and I'm sure she'll be doing fine.

[Ed Bighi]

Hugh, I am sorry to hear about that. But on the good side, I have a great aunt who back in the seventies had to have one mastectomy and later had to have another one. Well that was a long time ago and today she his in her early nineties and still works as a paralegal. She also drives daily. Stickshift as a matter of fact. One hell of a woman as you can see by her activites, and one of the people I treasure the most in my life. Maybe her great personality really helped her get through the ordeal. A good attitude makes all the difference in the world. Well, that was then with the limited technology of the era. I hear things have really progressed, so hopefully everything will be all right. I wish you and your wife the best of luck.

[RickC]

Hugh:

I am truly sorry this has happened to your wife and youself. Don't give up hope. I too know a woman who has had surgery and then thrived....

You are doing just what you need to do: supporting her, pursuing the best science, and trying to keep things going. Be there for her. Help your daughter too. And talk to people at every opportunity to keep yourself healthy so you can continue do this.

Assume that everything will work out fine, and resolve to live each day just a little more deeply with those you love. Afterwards, assure her that she's still whole, and that you're still attracted to her. You'll both make it through.

[Moses]

Unfortunately, this is something I deal with too frequently. I know it's overwhelming, but you have good reason to be hopeful. The new chemotherapeutic agents are working very well.

I know you didn't ask for advice, but I'll offer some anyway. Make sure your wife gets her treatment at a hospital with an established breast cancer treatment program and with an experienced cancer surgeon.

Your wifes prognosis may be very, very good. Some factors to consider are size of primary tumor, tumor grade (a measure of how aggressive the tissue is) and whether or not lymph nodes are affected. Treatment protocols are so much better now that just a few years ago. Women today can often expect successful treatment and cure where it might not have been possible a few years ago.

I am not a breast cancer specialist, but if you need any help unravelling any of the medical jargon, just let me know. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.

[Superman]

The best I can do is pray, so I'll do that. Best wishes for a clean recovery.

[Isabo]

Hugh,
sorry to hear your news. As you've already been told it's very treatable nowadays, especially when caught early.
Something men don't always appreciate is how important breasts can be to a woman's self image and consequently how important reconstructive surgery can be after a mastectomy. Help her with this.
Sometimes illness affects the partner worst, try and keep a smile on your face and your fears hidden.
My hopes and best wishes for a recovery.
- Isa

[island911]

My advice will be a bit different here. (I really feel for you, as I lost my dad to cancer a couple months ago)

#1-- plan for the worst. Everybody want's to be hopeful, but you will be smart to plan for the worst. (if you haven't already, see an attorney to get your/her afairs in order. . .even in community property states)

#2-- assess whether surgery will help more than it will hurt. (This is the tough . .very tough, part. .. . lots of diagnostics & 2nd 3rd and forth opinions, from unrelated doc's are helpful)

My unfortunate experience is, some surgeons will offer proceedure that produce nothing but a bit of hope. .. .people (wrongly) think that if a surgeon is willing to do a Sx, it must be the reasonable/smart choice. This just isn't true.

If the cancer has gone out of control, you/she likely don't want to spend her last days dealing with hospitals, funky med's, hospital bills, a carved up body and the associated stresses.

I know that "hope" is worth a lot, but chasing a false hope can be VERY costly, if her time here is severly limited.

I know that breast cancer isn't always a death sentance, however, any advanced cancer often is. Try very hard to figure this out.

I really feel for you and your family.

[Hugh R]

Wow

Thanks for all the wonderful responses. Donna is going through UCLA and what seems to be a very good team on surgeons, oncologists and plastic surgeons. We find out more every day. Donna goes from being angry to depressed, to glad they found it early (very early according to all the doctors), which is obviously a good sign. I'll keep you posted, thanks all, I new I could look to you for support.

[techweenie]

You know, there is one participant on Pelican who has breast cancer -- yes, it also happens to men -- hopefully, he will contact you as well.

[Moses]

Originally posted by Hugh R
Wow

Thanks for all the wonderful responses. Donna is going through UCLA and what seems to be a very good team on surgeons, oncologists and plastic surgeons. We find out more every day. Donna goes from being angry to depressed, to glad they found it early (very early according to all the doctors), which is obviously a good sign. I'll keep you posted, thanks all, I new I could look to you for support.

Great news! The message here is that mammograms save lives. Women need a mammogram every year after age 40. Mammograms detect more than 90% of early breast cancers. Even better numbers when combined with ultrasound. Two thirds of women with breast cancer have no family history of breast cancer. EVERY woman is at risk. Make sure your wives and daughters get their annual check-up. It can be a life saver.

[RoninLB]

Originally posted by island911

#2-- assess whether surgery will help more than it will hurt. (This is the tough . .very tough, part. .. . lots of diagnostics & 2nd 3rd and forth opinions, from unrelated doc's are helpful)

in the past couple of years new long term studies on breast cancer have disputed many surgerys, kemo, etc..

If you decide Not to have surgery, etc. I'm connected to much info. Your convience.

Prayers to your family. My wife went through a similiarly devastating illness (stroke) 9 years ago. Positive spirit/thoughts, prayer, and support of friends and family got us through it. Keep strong for her and let her focus 100% on recovery. Be her advocate, her coach and her cheerleader. Keep yourself healthy - mentally, physically, and emotionally. Talk to your spiritual guide. Meditate to come to terms with the changes taking place. Realize that this is something beyond your and her control.

Be well and best wishes.

[LeeH]

UCLA is good... early is good. She has a lot going for her.

My next door neighbor is in the middle of the same battle. For about two years she's complained to her doctor about several lumps. Unfortunately the response from the doctor was that she was lumpier than average and too young to worry about cancer.

She finally went for a second opinion and had a double masectomy later the same week. Her staging is very advanced at IIIB.