Should I let my Mother-In-Law move in?

Hugh R · 07:51 PM

Wifey has approached me about the MIL moving in with us. She's 75 and in very good active health, and I get along with her very well. She doesn't want to keep renting, (moved out of the big house when hubby died 10 years ago). Offer may be to spend $100k on my house to either add on, or build another building with a two car garage as my other shop that would be part of the structure (that's the tease for me). Usual issues of caring for old people in perhaps another 5-10 years, problems with wife's siblings and seeing this as a rip off of their inheritance, etc.

So, anyone done this? good bad experiences?

Appreciate any thoughts

nostatic · nostatic's Garage

is she hot?

sorry...couldn't resist.

Bob's Flat-Six · Bob's Flat-Six's Garage

Well my mom move in for a year several years ago and my wife said "either she goes or I go" Take your pic

This is different than your situation though.

Porsche-O-Phile · Porsche-O-Phile's Garage

Two words: BAD IDEA.

mikester · 08-11-2004, 07:36 PM

Well, as far as their inheritance is concerned - it's your MIL's money first and she's free to spend it as she pleases.

I get along with my MIL but letting her live with us full time is a little of a stretch. Maybe if her bedroom was clear on the other side of the house OR in a separate structure that'd be cool.

Right now I'm letting my sister live with us - she's 25 and we get along. She's pretty moody though and she's in the room right next to ours, plus she changed her mind as to how long she was going to stay early on.

Wife likes having her here though so...whatever. I'm just trying to help out my little sister. Oh, she does pay rent too and we pay her to clean the house.

Bob's Flat-Six · Bob's Flat-Six's Garage

Did you tell her or your wife you had to get clearance with the Pelican chat board ?

Hmmmm, I think I would keep that confidential

Hugh R · 07:51 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by nostatic
is she hot?

sorry...couldn't resist.

As I said, she's 75. Actually no. My step mother on the other hand is 70, does yoga daily, total health nut and looks better than a lot of women I now who are twenty (or more) years younger.

Hugh R · 08-11-2004, 07:50 PM

Good point Bob, I'll turn off the email notification think and check manually.

WOODPIE · 08-11-2004, 08:11 PM

Hugh,

I think it is a good idea. You will undoubtedly have many regrets about the decision during the coming years, and absolutely none when she has gone. This is what people, family, are for. MHO

Ed

vash · vash's Garage

i think she as done her part. now you guys can repay the favor. let the nice lady move in. i bet it will be great. when the time comes, i will let any parent move in. mine or my wifes. 7 billion chinese cant be all wrong. i think that is their custom.

big talk since i am not married

Mulholland · 08-11-2004, 10:23 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by WOODPIE
Hugh,

I think it is a good idea. You will undoubtedly have many regrets about the decision during the coming years, and absolutely none when she has gone. This is what people, family, are for. MHO

Ed

ditto...It is family it is the right thing to do and you get to cheat the other money grubbers out of their inheritance.

Moneyguy1 · 08-11-2004, 11:36 PM

When someome passes away, there areonly two reasons to weep

First is for all the things you used to do that you will never be able to do again

The other is for all the things you should have done but didn't

ronin · 08-12-2004, 12:51 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by vash
7 billion chinese cant be all wrong.

yeah. I suppose a handful of them could be right

MFAFF · 08-12-2004, 01:46 AM

If she's offering to help you build a garage why not.

If she has her own little world which can be spearate from yours, including spearate entrance from outside, bathroom, kitchenette then it can work.

Over here we call them 'Granny flats'....

Z-man · Z-man's Garage

A couple of years ago, my mom-in-law was going through a messy divorce and had nowhere to go with her two teenage sons. The three of them moved in and stayed with us for over a year. It was a rough year.

Jeff and Jon (my bro-in-laws) and I got along fine - we still do: they often come over to wrench on their cars (Jeff has a Toyo MR2, Jon, and 944 n/a) Mom stops by too, and NOW, things are ok. But back when she lived with us....

The most difficult part was the fact that she often projected her anger towards her ex-husband towards me. She also wouldn't respect my 'authority' on how to do things around the house. We got into many a heated battle. Fortunately, her antics did not put a wedge between my wife and I - Kim always stood by my side when tensions rose.

The straw that broke the camel's back was this: while they were living with us, I was the only person who brought home a paycheck - Kim (my wife) was going to school to get her degree in education. Mom was so out of it she couldn't hold down a job. Jeff and Jon were still in high school. It was difficult to make ends meet. Around December, I was doing the bills, and wasn't sure if I'd make the mortgage payment and the property taxes. I knew Mom had ~ $10,000.00 in the bank due to the sale of her house as part of the divorce settlement. Kim (my wife) and I approached her requesting to borrow a little money (I think we asked for $2000.00) so we can make the necessary payments.

Her first reaction was: "Maybe you need to learn how to manage your finances, Zoltan. You know they have finance seminars and such. You shouldn't be putting yourself into debt - it's not a good thing." After I pulled myself off the floor, I tried to explain to her that I was the only person bringing home a modest paycheck trying to support FIVE people, three of which I had not expected to be living with me for a year. She didn't get it. We even sat down (her, my wife and I) and I pulled out my paycheck and we went over my bills, and I showed her that I was indeed in a 'negative cash-flow situation.'

She finally said that she'd give us some money to hold us over. That was 4+ years ago. I'm still waiting for the check.

About a year ago, we asked her why she didn't give us any money, and her reaction was, "I didn't think you really needed the money."

If the same situation arose all over again, and there was no other option available, would I take in my mom-in-law again? Quite possibly, yes, but only if we put in place guidelines that we both agree upon.

So Hugh - while your situation is very different than mine was, (and you are probably dealing with a more stable person) I do suggest that you make sure that the 'rules of the house' are understood by everyone - it's ok to adjust these rules (no one likes a tyrannt) but the important thing is that everyone involved understand them and abide by them.

Ok, sorry for rambling.
-Z-man.

PS: There is a silver lining to this story - about 1/2 a year after they left, I had saved up a bit of money, and came across a 944S2 that was for sale. When I approach Kim about buying the car, she said she really had no choice, given the fact that I put up with her mother and such. It was kinda my 'reward' for the pain I had suffered.

BlueSkyJaunte · 08-12-2004, 06:03 AM

Run, Forrest, run!!!

RickM · RickM's Garage

First I'd ask, would you let her live there if the $100k wasn't in the picture?

I totally agree that she is free to spend here money now. There is no inheritance while she is alive. Are other siblings jumping at the idea of mom living with them? I bet not.

Agreed, a mother/daughter setup would be ideal...perhaps an apartment above the garage.

rcm · 08-12-2004, 06:49 AM

Forget the 100 g's, as rickm says would you let her move in anyway?.. This last house Teresa and I built in fact has room for "the rents" if they can't live alone. It's one of things I think you should do.

Isabo · 08-12-2004, 07:30 AM

Don't let the money input influence you. Caring for an aging mother in law is not financially viable! Do it because the woman needs a home and to be close to her daughter and perhaps because you like her, screw the other siblings! If they're that bothered by potential inheritance they could come forward now.
Another consideration is your own mother. How would she take it? My mother in law moved in on me which was fine as we were great friends. I did not get on so well with my mother, and she threw that I was caring for my mother in law and not her at me many times. For the last two years of my mother-in-law's life she needed a lot of care and attention, my daughter and a full time nurse helped a lot but I would not wish that duty on any one. My mother went into my sister's household and made everyone's life a sheer hell! The survival of her marriage can only be attributed to my brother-in-law's patience.

jm951 · 08-12-2004, 07:46 AM

Having had friends do this, the best I can say is it depends on your relationship with your MIL. It might work out fine, but maybe not, that's a decision only you and the sig other can make. If MIL is willing to set up an apt (and importantly- garage

) with her funds, she shows a degree of independence and might not be a problem. The alternative is to put her into a facility that offers everything from an apt to assisted living to hospice. If you go that route, the relatives may criticise you for "putting grandma away". So, bottomline, you make the choice, you know her.