NARC!

You should be on the same team as your kids. If this drastic of an action is required to make a point with your kids your relationship is obviously poor and the lines of communication are closed. Instead of punishing her spend some time with her, both volunteer you time together and do something positive. Also have someone speak to her as a mentor (that she respects) about her life and choices, make sure she is still headed in the right direction.

I agree with air-cool, well said

I also disagree with getting the police involved so soon. She will now have a record and if she should somehow do something stupid but minor in the future (e.g. consumption by a minor) she is likely to get in even more trouble.

A severe grounding, removal of car etc, would have been a better first step, IMHO.

Kinda funny now, but one of my friend's fathers bought "The Club" for his car. Not to protect the POS from theft, but to ground him from the car when he screwed up...

Agree that this was not the right move. Hope you realize what you have done to your relationship AND her record in the future. Yes, she is young but you know we all were young at one time and made stupid mistakes. Hopefully our parents are there to help straighten us out and teach us the error of our ways. Now she is a drug offender at a early age and her Father is the one who "dropped the dime on her" to the police.

You and your wife need to look at each other and into the mirror and ask what you did and when to lose your daughter.

I smoked pot 5-10 times when in high school. Did it a bit in college as well, maybe 20 times in 4 years. Have not been around it in 30 years and could care less about it now. A sip of Jack Daniels does a fine job these days.

Came home from a summer job while in college years ago. Worked at a nursery out of state during the summer and grew a couple of pot plants to see how they would turn out. Mom found one of them and asked "is this what I think it is" and I said yes. She watered it for me for a couple of weeks before I found my own apartment after returning to town. Let it grow another couple of months and tried to smoke a bit of it and it was skunk weed. Never tried it again...

Like I said, have not done it in years. The way my parents handled it was sure a lot different from calling the police into the situation and giving your child a record for the rest of their life. Yes, she is a minor but there are ways to bring up past history like this if needed. My parents trusted me and after they found out that this was not hiding a personal problem or addiction they just said to be careful and not let it get out of hand. After all, they each had their evening cocktails and were getting just as high ever night, much more than I ever did.

Hope that there is someway that you can get her to trust you again but bet it will take a long, long time if it ever happens again. If there are other children bet they took notice of this as well.

JoeA

geeze-man; and if you saw a kid seemingly sitting too close to a camp-fire, toasting a marshmelow . . . you would do what? . . . push her in?

After all, she needs to be taught the laws of physics. . . "turn her in" to mother-nature -- the enforcer.:rolleyes:

Bad decision! Good luck regaining any trust with your daughter. Being responsible for your daughter getting a criminal record - not good. What were you thinking?

might be too late for air-cool-me's very good advice. Those with younger kids (myself included) should re-read his post and maybe print it out.

Its nice to see all you squeaky clean types offering advice. Might I say (imho) that if you haven't been a partying 16 year old, you have NO idea what is likely going on with her and her friends. It ain't like on TV.

I would not have called the cops, but as has been said before, there is no single solution or quick fix for this. I've had friends who smoked the occasional dope and had no problems later in life. For others (like myself) it was just a symptom of deeper problems, and they're off to the races.

It really depends on the relationship you have/had with your daughter. Sounds like it might not have been very close. In that case, you are working from a very weak position. It could be that she is crying out for boundaries and limits. Or it could be that she is trying to break free from the ones imposed and is seeking independence any way she can. Or she could be trying to dull the pain that is caused by her upbringing, inability to deal with teenage life, etc. I can't tell you from here. In my case is was mostly 3 with bits of 1 and 2 thrown in for good measure.

I would suggest counseling...mostly for *you*. Not that you are nuts, but you need to understand how you got to this point. Your daughter will likely ignore anything that comes out of the sessions, but *you* are the adult and *you* need to get a handle on why things are they way they are. And you need to figure out ways to handle the situations that are going to present themselves.

ha! great tune...

for those who don't get Brian's reference:

Sometimes I try to do things and it just doesn't work out the way I wanted to.
I get real frustrated and I try hard to do it and I take my time and it
doesn't work out the way I wanted to.
It's like I concentrate real hard and it doesn't work out
Everything I do and everything I try never turns out
It's like I need time to figure these things out
But there's always someone there going

Hey Mike:
You know we've been noticing you've been having a lot of problems lately.You know, maybe you should get away and maybe you should talk about it, maybe you'll feel a lot better

And I go:
No it's okay, you know I'll figure it out, just leave me alone I'll figure
it out. You know I'll just work by myself.

And they go:
Well you know if you want to talk about it I'll be here you know and you'll probably feel a lot better if you talk about it.

And I go:
No I don't want to I'm okay, I'll figure it out myself and they just keep
bugging me and they just keep bugging me and it builds up inside and it
builds up inside.

So you're gonna be institutionalized
You'll come out brainwashed with bloodshot eyes
You won't have any say
They'll brainwash you until you see their way.

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
to give me the needed professional help
to protect me from the enemy, myself

I was in my room and I was just like staring at the wall thinking about
everything but then again I was thinking about nothing
And then my mom came in and I didn't even know she was there she called my
name and I didn't even hear it, and then she started screaming MIKE! MIKE!
And I go:
What, what's the matter
And she goes:
What's the matter with you?
I go:
There's nothing-wrong mom.
And she goes:
Don't tell me that, you're on drugs!
And I go:
No mom I'm not on drugs I'm okay, I was just thinking you know, why don't
you get me a pepsi.
And she goes:
NO you're on drugs!
I go:
Mom I'm okay, I'm just thinking.
She goes:
No you're not thinking, you're on drugs! Normal people don't act that way!
I go:
Mom just give me a Pepsi please
All I want is a Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me
All I wanted was a Pepsi, just one Pepsi, and she wouldn't give it to me.
Just a Pepsi.

They give you a white shirt with long sleeves
Tied around you're back, you're treated like thieves
Drug you up because they're lazy
It's too much work to help a crazy

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

I was sitting in my room and my mom and my dad came in and they pulled up
achair and they sat down, they go:
Mike, we need to talk to you
And I go:
Okay what's the matter
They go:
Me and your mom have been noticing lately that you've been having a lot of
problems, you've been going off for no reason and we're afraid you're gonna
hurt somebody, we're afraid you're gonna hurt yourself.
So we decided that it would be in your interest if we put you somewhere
where you could get the help that you need.
And I go:
Wait, what do you mean, what are you talking about, we decided!? My best
interest?! How can you know what's my best interest is? How can you say what
my best interest is? What are you trying to say, I'm crazy? When I went to
your schools, I went to your churches, I went to your institutional learning
facilities?! So how can you say I'm crazy.

They say they're gonna fix my brain
Alleviate my suffering and my pain
But by the time they fix my head
Mentally I'll be dead

I'm not crazy - institutionalized
You're the one who's crazy - institutionalized
You're driving me crazy - institutionalized

They stuck me in an institution
Said it was the only solution
To give me the needed professional help
To protect me from the enemy, myself

What does it matter i'll probably get hit by a car anyway

I bet she's drinking too...and smoking cigs, better call the cops on both of those as well, then you'll have the hat trick complete.

On a more serious note, I hope that you did not damage your relationship with her moving forward. She may respect you even less now, since you have shown her you are not the authority figure, the Police are.

On a side note, when she was growing up and got in trouble, did you spank her, or give her a "time out"? I don't want to start a whole new thread on that, just curious.

You should have taken her wheels away. I hope you still have.

Is possession a misdemeanor? At least she is under 18 so this will not haunt her forever.

Bill

Further to nostatic's point about figuring shyt out... I humbly suggest you apologize to your daughter in the not-too-distant future. Just me, but I'd say something like:

"I'm sorry I called the police on you rather than sit down with you and give you a 2nd chance. I'm very concerned about you and don't want you to go down the wrong path. Not that everyone who smokes pot ruins their life, or that my 'concern' justifies every action ... but I am your parent and in addition to loving you I'm responsible for how you grow up and the person you become. If you can forgive me about the whole police thing, I'll cut you some slack too and we can try to go forward from here and put things back together and trust each other again."

Obviously this is not going to be a magic wand and fix everything, but it'll convey to her things she may need to hear from you. I don't think it can hurt the situation very much at this point.

I may have stepped over the line w/ the foregoing, and if so, give me a punch in the digital nose. However, I've been chewing on your post and your question and reading others' responses. Even those who have agreed with you I think would agree that you've done some damage to the fundamental parent/child (esp. daughter/father) relationship. What's done is done and I'd suggest fixing things in the near future before she's out from under your roof and doesn't have to give you an audience any longer.

JP

Again, JP is spot-on.

Just thought ...Perhaps you could spin it to her as, "I screwed-up . .. i experimented with a dangerous institution (law/police). You screwed-up trying drugs. Lets call it a draw on stupidity and move on. .."


. . .but definitly do SOMETHING

How do you feel now, Wolf?

Agree with JP but it needs to be changed from "I" to "We." Remember that there are two parents in this quagmire and they need to stand together if this is ever going to be worked out.

Would be real nice if the police/SO aspect of it could be made to go away. That was a real dumba$$ move IMHO and could follow her for years to come.

If this is not handled correctly she may be lost forever and take off and then really get in trouble. Time to tread very softly.

JoeA

I don't know, I'm with Wolf on this. Why?

Trust. She broke the trust by smoking pot unless Mom and Dad made it a "maybe" offence or smoke the stuff in front of her. Zero-tolerence mean just that. Illegal means just that. What about illegal drugs hidden in a car that parents were kind enough to buy/allow her to use? It's up to the child to earn her parent's trust now, if she realizes that she'll be a better person for the lesson learned.

Wolf stated that he talked it over with his wife before the desicion was made; united front, wrong is wrong and there will be consequences.

Suspected it, counsler suspected it, found the stuff in the car; I'm thinking she didn't just take a toke here, she is buying or having it bought. Already heading down a slippery slope. Kudos to Dad for giving her a place to land firmly.

As for all these "poor kid, look what you've done to her" folks; puleeeze, the typical response of a 16 yr old after given a "time-out" for smoking pot would be to tell her party friends "I better hide it better next time."

At 16, your only 2 yrs away from being self-responsible, and not to many more (if any) away from being out on your own. There are consequences for breaking the law, better to learn that at 16 and be mad at the folks that to learn it from a cell.

I am not sure what a good answer to this problem is. Teenagers experiment with whatever is popular at the time. Weed, beer, driving too fast. They always have and always will. Like others have posted for some it is just part of growing up, for others it leads to more problems.

Some kids experiment and rebel against their parents others, like me, experimented, but tried to keep the parents from finding out, not wanting to face their disapproval.

Again I have no answers only questions. My little girl is going to be 5 in June and I am already worrying about how she will be when she hits her teens.

The first thing I would do now is tell her you love her unconditionally and give her a big hug. Remember, you are her parent, not her friend. Maybe you could try to find out what she is missing in life why that void is being filled with drug use. If there are substantial underlying issues, the pot is the least of your worries. If she is needing to escape, she can use alcohol, paint thinner, draino, suicide, etc. Get connected with her and let her trust you. Right now she most likely does not trust you and will not open up to you at all, leaving her friends as her confidants. I guess I'd have to wonder what you would do to your dog if he shat on the living room floor. A kick in the ribs? I know you are in a tough situation, but you may want to talk to a professional (non law enforcement) before proceeding.

I recall a conversation with my Dad when I was 16 and doing poorly in school.

At the time my Dad and I were extremely close - I would even venture to say we were nearly best friends. It was a great relationship; we had a lot of activities that we spent a lot of time doing together - how can that be bad?

Well - I got in trouble - I did something wrong and it was bad enough that I needed a good punishing. Dad was pretty pissed at me; it was my grades.

He said to me "You're going to find that from now on I'm going to be more your Parent and a lot less your friend that I ever was before." It was my fault too and I will never forget that moment in my life and while I still got into some trouble (only one or two other times really) it was a change in our relationship I noticed right off. It's been 15 years now and we're still not as close but I wouldn't give up having a parent over having a friend for anything in the world and I'm quite lucky to know the difference.

I was no squeaky clean kid but I didn't do drugs or anything like that. I was just a general screw up at school.

928 -
I don't advocate a slap-on-the wrist "punishment", I'm all for having and enforcing rules. I dislike children and believe they should be firmly disciplined as required. However, the discipline is not the end, but the means to the end. The escalatory discipline cycle can't exist w/o measures such as air-cool's points as well. You want to create a well-adjusted, trustworthy, interesting person at the end of the day ... so use all the tools available to you.

There is a middle ground between "time-out" and "five-o", however. I think involving the cops was one heck of a punishment .. and if discipline is the end in itself, then OK, you've dropped the nuke and "won." And you can give yourself the Zero Tolerance Zealot of the Year Award (which has to be self-awarded b/c in the real world ZT is ill-conceived at best). Then, Mr. ZT, turn her in next time you're in the car with her and she's speeding. "I mean, illegal means just that." It just makes no sense to me.

By the tone of Wolf's post (this is me inferring here, so I'm on shakier ground) he was looking for a bit of reconciliation and dialogue. I could very well be wrong about what to do here, but the potential downside to the relationship is enormous.

I'm going a bit off the path here, but suppose she gets pregnant next month or next year or while at school (out of wedlock). Under the current set of circumstances, can you honestly see her turning to her parents for help/guidance/support? "They turned me in to the cops for freaking weed! Why would I tell them about this?

I'm not trying to trivialize weed (though I don't think it's a huge deal, I respect that others do) but the girl's future and relationship with her parents should not be subordinated to this instance. JMHO.

JP