so much for being the first woman Prez...;)

OK, I will say first I am a father of 3. Daughters 19 and 16 and a son who is 10 so, I have a little experience here. I haven't had to make this decision so I won't condemn someone who has. I certainly don't see how he owes anyone an apology. Counseling and an open dialogue yes but apologize??? I asked my 16 year old to read this and give her opinion. She said, "sit her in a crack house for a few days." She has a longtime friend who has become involved in drugs and has seen what it can take out of a brilliant kid. If any of us knew why it happens it wouldn't. So many twists and turns these kids go through in growing up. IMHO peer pressure leads you to take a drag off of a joint when "everyone else is doint it." Having a bag in the car is beyond that. Take away the stereo for bad grades, the car for poor driving, so for illegal drug possession???? Not sure there is one answer.

Ok, I'll try and answer as many questions as possible in one post.

1. I have zero tolerance for drug use.

2. She knows, without a doubt where the lines of right and wrong are.

3. The wife and I are united on this.

4. She is loved unconditionally and she knows this.

5. This is not her first offence at challenging the rules.

6. Once you discover drugs in the possesion of your child you must address it VERY seriously, unless you approve of it, and I don't.

7. Drug and alcohol use among teens in this area is the "cool" thing to do.

8. She is currently involved in counseling, this is from previous challenges.

9. The police involvement made it possible for the school to do random drug tests, at my request.

10. RickM...Yes I tried it as a teen, so I understand the why part. But does that mean I'm supposed to approve of her doing it???

11. No I don't try to "control" my childs life.

12. Unless you have kids of your own, that offer you such challenges, you have no clue how hard this is on a parent.

13. The standard answer of "its the parents fault" just doesn't cut it. Kids will do whatever they damn well please, all we can do is try to offer course correction along the way.

A couple more thoughts:

1. No my signature is exclusive to me, (unless you fit in as well).

2. The relationship between me and my daughter is actually not as bad as I thought it would be after this. She knows without any doubt that I am serious about this. It has taken her several days to realize this, but we are talking.

3. I still believe that I did the right thing.

4. The police action taken is not an actual arrest. It is a "deferral"?? This allows the authorities to apply legal consequences if she continues, but still lets the parents enforce the drug testing, curfews, etc.... Its not something that will haunt her for life.

True. But unless you've been through it as a teen (which it sounds like you haven't), then you have no clue how hard it is on the kid...

There is no "right" answer...you just do the best you can.

It seems to me that he is - let's give him a hand for taking responsibility for his kids. Too many parents these days don't do that.

The fact that this is the way you have responded to TYPICAL childhood behavior leads me to believe that your problems are directly related to how you attempt to control your child.

As you have stated you have had problems dealing with your daughter long before this incident. While kids will try to do what they please its your job to control it in a way that does not destroy your relationship or turn your child's home life into a prison camp. It certainly sounds like you and your wife have been failing on that front for a while.

The fact you are asking for help on this subject on the OT board of an automotive forum leads me to believe you suspect you might be on the wrong track when it comes to dealing with your child.

I second the opinion that you, your wife and your child need some group therapy. Something is obviously wrong here and from the information you have provided it appears to be both a parent and child problem..

I second that. Even if you don't think he handled it the way you would have (not to say that that's the right way either), at least he handled/is handling it.

Wolf, I don't know if you did the right thing, but thanks for doing something. To many times, both in my childhood, and now in my childless early 30's I see parents not doing anything.

I don't know if what you did was right, but its alot more right than doing nothing.

Yes, I agree, thanks for taking some action. A lot of parents don't. Find something constructive to occupy her time with. Take her vehicle privlages away. Send her to some afterschool activities, like dance classes or other classes that are constructive, where she can meet students that are motivated and don't use.

HIEDI

Wolf - you are not going to know for quite some time whether you did the right thing or not. I suspect that there are many kids that would have been "cured" by the men in blue trick and others that it wouldn't make a difference - time will tell.

I will say, that after going through some similar times with my wife's oldest kids that this would probably have worked with one but not the other.

I will remember The Club if we ever have to take the car away from the younger ones! So much easier than taking the keys away and easier to avoid an over emotional conversation in the heat of the moment.

I would also like to echo a couple of the recent comments - "Thanks for doing something!".

Wolf,

Taking action is always better than sticking your head in the sand.

Thank you for accepting your responsibility to your child.

You may have a few tough years left before she truly matures and really understands where you were coming from.

On the bright side once she finally does she may even thank you.

Best wishes for you and your family.

Scott

12. Unless you have kids of your own, that offer you such challenges, you have no clue how hard this is on a parent.

So unless you've been a cop, you can't judge the police; unless you've been a doctor, you can't have opinions about medical treatment; unless you've been a soldier, you can't opine on anything military; unless you've been the President ...

Whether it's "hard" and how "hard" it is isn't the issue. You're a parent, presumably of your own volition. If you didn't know it was going to be hard you weren't paying attention to every other parent since the dawn of time bytching about how hard it is.

So it's hard; you sought advice from a forum that covers a broad spectrum of opinion and experience -- which was a good move. Thanks for providing more detail to clarify some of the surrounding issues. They change things a bit.

If things aren't so bad between you and your daughter I'm happy for you, and as I said, I hope things work out for the best. If it does work out, however, you will be very fortunate, so please don't interpret it as a validation of the "my only option is to go thermonuclear here" approach.

I went w/o speaking to my mom for 3 years b/c she betrayed my confidence on a matter important to me. If my dad had found weed (impossible b/c I didn't smoke as a kid) and had gone to the cops w/o confronting me first, not only would I have lost all respect for him, I still would not be talking to him. But then I'm "zero tolerance" for that kind of thing, so I'm fully justified, right? :D

Different kids require different approaches and you might've been right on this one. I hope you were.

Kind regards,

JP

Is there a "Scared Straight" program in your area?
This is where they take teens and introduce them to the prison system. Convicts literally scare the crap out of the kids by showing them where wrong decisions can lead them.

Perhaps too harsh but an option if needed.
Here's where it started: http://www.wild-side.com/scaredstraight.html

Here's how my neighbor handled the same situation with their son;

They told him that society had a right to expect that he not be impaired while driving. As his parents, it was their responsibility to make sure he didn't break the law or endanger himself or others. They reminded him that he was still a minor (16) and he had a choice; pee in a cup weekly on demand at random times or surrender the car keys and drivers license. Amazingly, his old "friends" soon abandoned him, his grades improved and he got into a good four-year college. The kid stayed clean, and the parents worried a whole lot less.

I am also glad you did something rather than nothing. Just for reference I have a missdomeanor possesion of pot paraphanellia, a one hitter, on my record. I was an adult at the time so that is different than your situation but be careful with passing this off as a simple fine, not say you are, like I did. This little blip on my record prevented me from adopting a child internationally. Good news is we just have been choosen to adopt a child by a local birthmom.:-)!! Good luck, as I pray things will work out for you and your family! I have some time before I will have some tough decisions to make with answering my childs questions in regards to drugs and such.

If the state mandates that your child attend group drug councilling your daughter's potential peer group will really be drug down to a new low.

Truly, a hard choice, but correct choice Wolf.

It will take a little time, but you will all move past it.

AFJuvat

Wolf,

I think you made the right decision. You showed that you DO care enough not to let her potentially mess her life up forever. Lots of parents are too worried about how this kind of situation will affect them and take the easy (for them) way out. It sounds like she is smart enough to figure this out eventually. Best of luck to you.

Update...its been 6 months now.
 

6 months have passed since this all started.

And I am VERY happy to say that my daughter seems to have responded well.

Her attitude is greatly improved and she has managed to stay drug free (random UA's).

It was a difficult choice, but it worked.......I just hope it continues.