Headlines Year 2029

[Jeff Higgins]

Battery acid fumes created by electric cars now killing millions in the seventh largest country in the world, Mexifornia formally known as California

Red Sox finish second to Yankees 30th straight year.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized at all ATM's and as Mexifornia's third language.

Spotted Owl plague threatens northwestern United States crops and livestock.

Couple petitions court to reinstate Heterosexual marriage.

Iraq still closed off - Physicists estimate it will take at least 10 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112. Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

George Z. Bush says he will run for President in 2036.

Postal Service raises price of first class stamp to $17.89 and reduces mail delivery to Wednesdays only.

85-year, $75.8 billion study: Diet and Exercise is the key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans drops to 250 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals violates their civil rights.

Average height of NBA players now nine feet, seven inches.

Due to the consistent use of steroids in baseball, the center field wall is now 800' from home plate.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

Congress authorizes direct deposit of formerly illegal political contributions to campaign accounts.


Capitol Hill intern indicted for refusing to have sex with congressman.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

It is now possible to declare bankruptcy at any ATM and at the same time open a new charge account.

Florida voters still having trouble with voting machines.

[Mulhollanddose]

It's ______'s (R) fault.

[jorian]

Mulhollanddose runs out of people to slag, joins DNC slags self.