Best stupid drunk stories

onewhippedpuppy · 12-23-2005, 12:02 PM

This should be fun. Inspired by the bad beer thread, tell your best stupid drunk story. Here's mine:

About six years ago, a buddy of mine that went to KU somehow got two tickets to a Widespread Panic concert in St. Louis, and invited me to go. So, with a case of beer between us, we set off on the six hour drive. The trip there was uneventful, and we successfully met up with his girlfriend and her three hot friends at the Hilton, where they were staying. We were supposed to stay there too, same room, hot girls, intoxication, you get the idea. This will come into play later.

So, after partaking in some slightly less legal activities, we set off for the show, only a few blocks away. Now I had heard very little Widespread Panic, and quickly found that taking a nap was more to my liking. So I got my friend's car keys, and headed out to my bed with wheels. Unfortunately, he caught me about halfway to the car, and that's when it begins to go south. For some unknown reason, he asked me if I wanted to go back. To Lawrence. Six hours away. The strangeness of this didn't hit me until later, because I wasn't of stable mind. He wanted to leave a free night in a fancy hotel, with hot girls and large quantities of intoxicants. So, needless to say, I said sure.

Inevitably, we got lost in downtown St. Louis, and when we stopped at a gas station at midnight to ask directions, I learned what it felt like to be a minority. Luckily someone took pity on us, and instead of being directed to certain death, we set off towards the highway, stopping only at a liquor store with bars on the window to relieve our thirst. The last thing I remember hearing was, "If you just stay awake, I'll be fine".

So I woke up and we were on the side of the highway, with the flashing of police lights behind us. Before I could say anything, a cop came to my friend's window and told him to get out of the car. Drunk, half asleep, I looked around, then down, to see the partially drank 12 pack between my legs. I had just enough time to cram the cans under the seat before I was invited out of the car as well. In the comfort of the back seat of a Crown Victoria, I was given two options. Go to the station, or be dropped off at a truck stop a short way down the road. Like any underage drunk, I elected the truck stop.

For some funny reason, nobody from my hometown of Manhattan would drive five hours at 3am to pick me up, so I took matters into my own hands. After talking to countless truckers, I finally found one who took mercy on me, and I was on my way back to Lawrence. Finally, at 10 am my mother was nice enough to pick me up from the front lawn of the Lawrence Holiday Inn, and my trek was over.

So, all the elements for a good story are here: alcohol, drugs, illegal activities, sex, with a liberal dosage of stupidity. Who's next?

svandamme · svandamme's Garage

well , there was this time , in band camp....

onewhippedpuppy · 12-23-2005, 02:37 PM

OT, you have dissapointed me. I expected stories of dead hookers and jail time, instead only a halfhearted American Pie joke. Boo I say, boo to all of you.

svandamme · svandamme's Garage

mate, i've got plenty of stories, but frankly , they are worthless to those who don't know me... i just hate beeing called a liar when i'm not... and my **** just doesn't translate to the web to those who weren't there.

onewhippedpuppy · 12-23-2005, 02:45 PM

Ah come on, give it a go! It's all in good fun. Probably tame compared to Red UFO's stories on Rennlist.

austin552 · austin552's Garage

Once while smashed at a club; I went up to a smok'n hottie at the bar and started really working my charm. I set my beer glass down and took drinks between the lines of macho false promises. Suddenly I was interrupted by a funny taste and chewy things in my mouth. I had picked up someone else's glass half empty with cig butts floating in it.
She fell out, I crawled away like a poisoned rat.

svandamme · svandamme's Garage

ok , so i'm partying with someone who works at my mothers shop...
we go to a club called "the church, the holy ghost" way far from our normal area.... on my gutt feeling..her car, i didn't have a car yet at the time...she's older, very fit...

we arrive there , and as soon as we enters, ther's a bunch of italians looking at her... she's semi french.. and almost goes ballistic....because them italians just look at her , like a tiger looks at an antilope... french girl... hot tempered... doesn't take **** ...

she goes off to powder her nose

the top dog of the italians walks up to me.... i'm 19 , not very big or tall , or anything....

dude starts talking to me ... in french ."what's up with her"

i'm scared *****less.... cause i've been in clubs, and i can tell that htis isn't your average poser....'dude , time of month, don't worry , next week she'll be less hostile" ..

i'm thinking..."last time they see me here"
he goes" aah , bene , you're a friend, whatever you need , you talk to me...."

he leaves me and her alone.... meanwhile i see his buddy's go behind hte bar, raid the cashier's desk, raid the booze .... then they dissappear, into return 3 groups of 2-3 ... hours later.... return ... go to the dude , who taps em on the back... give him wads of cahs... hush hush moves..

next week ,she goes," let's go back"... i'm :: no way

she went back... i went along...
long story short...
she's married to the dude... several kids....and al along ... he thinks i fixed him up....or gave him solid advice...

at the wedding , i'm dancing with a girl...
and the uncle looks dirty at me

i'm going .. dude, what's up with him ?!?

he goes... "ca ' c'est le parent "

i'm like. .. huh?

he : the godfather?! ... c'est lui! : that's him...
she is his daughter......at school , no boy dares to talk or look at her.

i'm not even italian...

he sorted me out... it was cool...had to explain my life to the old man ...explain my heritage, my motives, my job , my morals....
i quit dancing for that evening though....better safe then sorry

slodave · slodave's Garage

Hmmm, Woke up in my bath tub one early morning after a night at the bar. Looked outside and my car was nowhere to be seen. Found out that a friend dropped me off at my place and left me on the kitchen floor. I guess I need to go to the bathroom and somehow fell into the bathtub.....

'nother night, was at some bands apt complex, woke up on the wet grass in early morning. The three buildings looked the same. Found the the bands apt..... Opened the door to find a husband and wife - both in robes making breakfast. Walked out and heard the click of the front door lock.....

still another night... A buddy and I were at a bar - outside patio. Way too drunk, he gets up to go to the bathroom. He never comes back. We can't find him and assume he left. We ran into him a couple of days later and asked him what happened. He walked across the street to a vacant field and passed out....

Will add more as soon as I can remember them.

Dave

Jims5543 · 12-23-2005, 05:25 PM

Drank too many Jack and cokes. On way home told friend to pull over for a piss break along a semi busy road. I hopped a barbed wire fence (important detail) and pissed in an empty field. Friend thought it would be funny to start driving away. I chased after him running at full speed. I forgot about fence.

I came to a full and complete stop and could not figure out why. I was so numb I could not feel I had just been shredded by the fence. I pulled myself off anf walked to my friends car. Bleeding pretty bad. Could have used some stiches in hindsight.

I have scars to this day from that. I also ruined my favorite baggies.

onewhippedpuppy · 12-23-2005, 05:31 PM

In high school at a party we thought it would be funny to fill a supersoaker with piss, then shoot a guy. Being the dumbass I am I was the gunman, and quickly found myself being chased by an angry 6'5" 300 lb guy. In the process I slipped on the grass and sliced by knee open on a rock, very, very deep. After an hour of it soaking through towels, I finally let someone drive me to the ER. The driver was, you guessed it, my earlier victim. Needless to say, I felt like an ass. The next morning I looked at my shoes, one of them was so soaked in blood I couldn't even tell what color it used to be. Thankfully God watches over fools and drunks, because I was both that night. And a few others.......

Jims5543 · 12-23-2005, 06:06 PM

Quote:

Originally posted by procon
While working as a river guide, I once hit the side the rafting company I was working at with my car.
The Owner comes down to see what's up & asks, What the he!! are you doing?
Just parking boss, was my reply.
Been close to 15 years ago & I still catch sh!it for it!

Once helped color a jacka$$ that passed out with a black permanent marker.
He had to wear a long sleeved shirt for a couple of weeks.

Drunk River guide?? LOL!!! I want that tour!!

I could never understand the permanent marker thing. A joke is a joke but that is so messed up. Glad my buddies never thought of that,.... wait, I was usually the baby sitter. That night with the fence was one of the first times I told them they were siitting me. Its funny I sort of gave up drinking after that one for a while.

slodave · slodave's Garage

I was 'marked' once too. Was with Matt and Gunnar Nelson at our old summer camp for a wedding. Passedd out in Susanville Ca. and woke up in Reno Nev. I was told that I passed out in the hotel lobbey for a while. I woke up the next day very hung over... Came out of the shower passed the mirror and did the classic double take. Those guys gave me green eyebrows, mustache, and goatee. I'm glad I was in Reno far far from where I live.....

Dave

HardDrive · 12-24-2005, 01:17 AM

There was the time I was with a buddy, in the woods by Camp Grayling, an Army camp in Northern Michigan, blasting away with a pistol. I had cotton in my ears and was stone ass drunk. He tapped me on the shoulder, but I ignored him. Then he hit me on the shoulder hard. It was then that I turned around to discover a Humvee full of MPs with side arms drawn. Turns out we were only about 50 yards from the camp, and shooting directly at it......They asked us to leave, and we high tailed it....

I guess stripping off my closes and running stark ass naked around that golf course when it was 20 degrees is not worth noting....

OH WAIT. I got one. I wake up after a hell of a night (I was in college). I don't remember *****. My girlfriend comes over and is acting pretty strange. She asks me if I remember anything from the night before. Nope. Turns out, I had informed her that I been nailing another chica on the side, and went into detail about I had manged to pull it off. The 'Priceless' ? She forgave me, and I continued having my extracurricular fun.

Seahawk · 12-24-2005, 04:39 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jim Cesiro
Drunk River guide?? LOL!!! I want that tour!!

When I was a river guide in the late 70's, we'd have, "boatman's meetings" after fixing our customrs lunch...thank god we never hurt anyone.

onewhippedpuppy · 12-24-2005, 04:49 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by Jim Cesiro

I could never understand the permanent marker thing. A joke is a joke but that is so messed up. Glad my buddies never thought of that,.... wait, I was usually the baby sitter. That night with the fence was one of the first times I told them they were siitting me. Its funny I sort of gave up drinking after that one for a while.

Sometimes I would prefer the marker. When I went to KSU, we had a roommate that would pass out cold, you could hit him with a hammer and it wouldn't wake him. One night when he was out, we carried him, bed and all, out in front of our apartment. We had to fold his mattress in half like a sandwich to get him through the door, but he never stirred. Our apartment was on the end by the parking lot, and it was a big complex, so most people had to walk past ours to get to their unit. We woke up the next morning to the sound of girls laughing outside, he still hadn't woke up, but had pissed himself, and had become quite the attraction.

Shaun @ Tru6 · 12-24-2005, 04:49 AM

Started playing quarters with Bacardi 151 and Coke about a year and half ago. On that day, I stumbled into PPOT. To this day, the 151 and OT have kept flowing.

Icemaster · Icemaster's Garage

Came home from a night out in HS, no special event. Got dropped off at the house, lugged my key into the door then passed out until abou 5:00 AM. Finally went in and my mom opens the bedroom door as I pass by and notes the time and the fact that I was 5 hours late - curfew was midnight.

I had no way of proving that I was actually home and in one of my wiser moments, realized that it was pointless to argue.

Seahawk · 12-24-2005, 05:17 AM

Quote:

Originally posted by procon
Guess that would be the same as one of our "safety talks"?
Besides, they signed the liability waver.

Yup and yup...still kayak at least twice a year, but the "safety talks" are a thing of the past

gassy · 12-24-2005, 06:20 AM

http://www.ebaumsworld.com/dayafterparty.html

Moses · 12-24-2005, 06:23 AM

Drunk skier pursues hot, sober girl...

I guy I went to school with was an excellent skier and an accomplished drunk. On a spring skiing break he gets quite drunk and starts to tag along with a very hot girl he meets on a chairlift. Eventually he notices that a few girls are skiing in bikini tops as is the custom in the spring in Lake Tahoe. He challenges the hot girl; "Let's ski this f***er nekkid!"

At the top of the mountain they strip. She carefully puts her clothes in a small backpack at the base of a tree. He puts his clothes next to her backpack. She yells, "let's race!" He has a good lead, but when she passes him he notices that she is wearing her backpack and has his clothes in her arms. It turns out that she is a much better skiier, and she's sober. She disappears. Apparently she skiied off trail and got dressed. He finished the run nekkid. And alone. She left his clothes at the base of the mountain with the ski patrol who had cameras ready when he arrived. I think one of the pictures is still up behind the local bar.