Chuck Norris Jokes!

[BRPORSCHE]

These are all the rage at my High School. I think some of them are just plain stupid...but he!! some of these are hilarious!
-tom

I found this posted on a different message board, enjoy!

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs.

A Handicap parking sign does not signify that this spot is for handicapped people. It is actually in fact a warning, that the spot belongs to Chuck Norris and that you will be handicapped if you park there.

Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement.

The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain.

If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death.

A blind man once stepped on Chuck Norris' shoe. Chuck replied, "Don't you know who I am? I'm Chuck Norris!" The mere mention of his name cured this man blindness. Sadly the first, last, and only thing this man ever saw, was a fatal roundhouse delivered by Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Bullets dodge Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris does not hunt because the word hunting infers the probability of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

When the Boogeyman goes to sleep every night he checks his closet for Chuck Norris.

When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever.

Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress.

The quickest way to a man's heart is with Chuck Norris's fist.

Chuck Norris is 1/8th Cherokee. This has nothing to do with ancestry, the man ate a ****ing Indian.

Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf.

Chuck Norris waited patiently in Al Capone’s vault for 63 years just so he could give Geraldo Rivera the surprise beating of his lifetime.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own.

The grass is always greener on the other side, unless Chuck Norris has been there. In that case the grass is most likely soaked in blood and tears.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000 degrees. An embarrassed NASA publically claimed it was a meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Filming on location for Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck Norris brought a stillborn baby lamb back to life by giving it a prolonged beard rub. Shortly after the farm animal sprang back to life and a crowd had gathered, Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked the animal, breaking its neck, to remind the crew once more that Chuck giveth, and the good Chuck, he taketh away.

There's no such thing as a tornado. Chuck Norris just hates trailer parks.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane".

Chuck Norris doesnt shave; he kicks himself in the face. The only thing that can cut Chuck Norris is Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris

If you ask Chuck Norris what time it is, he always says, "Two seconds till." After you ask, "Two seconds to what?" he roundhouse kicks you in the face.

[singpilot]

I always assumed anything Chuck Norris starred in WAS a joke.

[ejames19]

What happens when Chuck Norris roundhouse kick's the wings off a butterfly? A hurricane starts on the other side of the world.

Originally, the writers of Superman had written "faster than a Chuck Norris roundhouse.." but quickly realized their error and changed it to "faster than a speeding bullet.." because they knew no one would ever believe anything was faster than a Chuck Norris roundhouse!


On the DAY before the first DAY, Chuck Norris created God.

[tinkerbell]

Originally posted by singpilot
I always assumed anything Chuck Norris starred in WAS a joke.

[bryanthompson]

It seems that in this day and age there is one name you cannot go anywhere without hearing. Chuck Norris. However with all the wisdom and legend surrounding the enigma that is Chuck Norris, few people know the real remarkable truth of his life. Thankfully I had a chance many years ago while traveling in the Tibetan wilderness to happen upon Chuck Norris and he regaled me with his insight and life story. I write it now for all to know.

Chuck Norris was originally born in 1916 with the name Zander Washington in a small town in upstate South Dakota to a Baptist minister named Clarence. It was the only immaculate conception by a man ever recorded in the history of South Dakota.

It was his father who taught him at a young that despite the fact that he was born with martial arts skills which far exceed those of any mere human, he should always be companionate to those who have no martial arts skills.

However, Chuck Norris’ father was soon drafted into WWI where he was an air force ace pilot until he was shot down over the North Pole. At the age of two, young Chuck Norris single-handedly defeated the entire German Army in retaliation for his father’s death.

At the age of 9 Chuck Norris learned the ability to dodge bullets.

At the age of 12 Chuck Norris learned the ability to locate drug runners anywhere within a 150 mile radius of himself.

At the age of 15 Chuck Norris learned the ability of invisibility.

At the age of 18 Chuck Norris attended a community college where he earned an associates degree in law enforcement.


After Chuck Norris graduated from the community college (magna cum laude) Chuck Norris traveled the world to “find himself” and saw such exotic locales as Indonesia, Pakistan, and Detroit, where he met Tim Allen who taught him the finely tuned arts of the cocaine industry.

Word of Chuck Norris’ unparalleled skills had traveled far and wide and champion fighters from all over the world were seeking him out to try and oust him. Among the many that fell before Chuck Norris were film stars Bruce Lee and Steve McQueen. Bruce Lee talked so much trash about almost beating Chuck Norris that Chuck Norris felt he must teach Bruce Lee a lesson and made his heart exploded with a really rough beard rub.

By this time the Vietnam War had erupted in Southeast Asia and Chuck Norris was called upon to serve his country once again. The film “Missing in Action” was a documentary of how Chuck Norris won the Vietnam War.

For his services in defending the foreign enemies of the United States of America, Chuck Norris was given the highest honor any man with a beard has ever received; he was made into an action figure. Not just any action figure, one with a bulging package and life-like karate movements.

Chuck Norris was once again called upon to wage a one man war when President Bill Clinton declared that we would be starting a “War on Drugs.” As everyone knows any enemy of America is an enemy of Chuck Norris so Chuck Norris put on his best fighting jeans and combat headband and dove headfirst into a world of pot smugglers and poorly choreographed fight sequences.

Once when Chuck Norris was fighting a feisty small arms dealer he got stabbed in the chest to reveal that his heart is made of pure 24 carat gold. He then sewed up his own gaping chest wound.

Chuck Norris drank every drop of alcohol in the state of Okalahoma in order to save the children from the evils of temptation, and because he was thirsty.

The hair on Chuck Norris’ chest is the smoothest and most prized fur on the planet. People have bid millions of dollars to be able to make a rug out of it when he dies, unfortunately Chuck Norris cannot die.

One time when Chuck Norris was repelling from a helicopter to the top of a moving semi-truck he saw a kitten in the middle of the road about to be hit. Chuck Norris then picked up the truck and threw it into space where it collided with the MIR space station which fell into the Indian Ocean, because Chuck Norris loves kittens and hates Russians.

These, among many others, are the accomplishments of the great Chuck Norris. Chuck Norris is now just about 90 years old and still has all of his original internal organs. Chuck Norris once got cancer, but he cut it out with a pen knife and ate it with some Tabasco sauce. Chuck Norris thinks cancer tastes good.

Chuck Norris will most likely be around forever and keep the United States of America safe from all harm, he will also protect Texas as well. He now resides in an undisclosed location and is only to be call upon in the most dire of emergencies, like international drug busts and global warming.

Chuck Norris can make blind people see again and that's a fact!

edit: http://collegehumor.com/

[azasadny]

What if Chuck Norris and William Shatner were in a movie together, maybe throw in Steven Seagal.... what a combination!

[86 911]

Why are the jokes on Chuck Norris? What did he do? All I know is that I've seen him on the TV show "Texas Ranger" a few years back.

[BRPORSCHE]

Seriously matt I have no idea. Just saw them today surfing on google with some friends. Didn't know there was even a history to it. I amaze myself everyday!

[Jared at Pelican Parts]

It's an extension of a skit about the "Walker, Texas Ranger Lever" on Conan a few years ago.

Basically, it's an internet fad mocking the 1980's perceived image of Chuck Norris being some sort of instoppable killing machine that can do no wrong.

Cuck's a good sport about all this, he even appeared on Conan mocking himself.

[VaSteve]

Some more, maybe some repeats...

Top Thirty Facts
(Only facts with 50 or more votes count)
Fact # of Votes Rating
Fact # of Votes Rating
Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried. 404 8.31
Rather than being birthed like a normal child, Chuck Norris instead decided to punch his way out of his mother's womb. Shortly thereafter he grew a beard. 1058 7.7
Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month. 811 7.65
Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits. 987 7.62
Chuck Norris won 'Jumanji' without ever saying the word. He simply beat the living **** out of everything that was thrown at him, and the game forfeited. 90 7.62
Chuck Norris once roundhouse kicked someone so hard that his foot broke the speed of light, went back in time, and killed Amelia Earhart while she was flying over the Pacific Ocean. 269 7.6
Chuck Norris's girlfriend once asked him how much wood a woodchuck could chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood. He then shouted, "HOW DARE YOU RHYME IN THE PRESENCE OF CHUCK NORRIS!" and ripped out her throat. Holding his girlfriend's bloody throat in his hand he bellowed, "Don't **** with Chuck!" Two years and five months later he realized the irony of this statement and laughed so hard that anyone within a hundred mile radius of the blast went deaf. 833 7.58
Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. 127 7.56
Chuck Norris built a time machine and went back in time to stop the JFK assassination. As Oswald shot, Chuck met all three bullets with his beard, deflecting them. JFK's head exploded out of sheer amazement. 485 7.54
To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and aquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong. 1021 7.54
Chuck Norris was the fourth Wiseman. He brought baby Jesus the gift of "beard". Jesus wore it proudly to his dying day. The other Wisemen, jealous of Jesus' obvious gift favoritism, used their combined influence to have Chuck omitted from the Bible. Shortly after all three died of roundhouse kick related deaths. 835 7.51
Chuck Norris is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right legs. 778 7.5
The chief export of Chuck Norris is pain. 983 7.49
Chuck Norris lost his virginity before his dad did. 134 7.49
Chuck Norris is not hung like a horse... horses are hung like Chuck Norris 145 7.46
If you can see Chuck Norris, he can see you. If you can't see Chuck Norris you may be only seconds away from death. 1156 7.44
Chuck Norris can make a woman climax by simply pointing at her and saying "booya". 749 7.43
Chuck Norris does not have AIDS but he gives it to people anyway. 242 7.43
When Chuck Norris plays Oregon Trail his family does not die from cholera or dysentery, but rather roundhouse kicks to the face. He also requires no wagon, since he carries the oxen, axels, and buffalo meat on his back. He always makes it to Oregon before you. 487 7.41
Chuck Norris recently had the idea to sell his urine as a canned beverage. We know this beverage as Red Bull. 721 7.4
When Chuck Norris sends in his taxes, he sends blank forms and includes only a picture of himself, crouched and ready to attack. Chuck Norris has not had to pay taxes ever. 163 7.39
After much debate, President Truman decided to drop the atomic bomb on Hiroshima rather than the alternative of sending Chuck Norris. His reasoning? It was more "humane". 1077 7.38
Chuck Norris once shot a German plane down with his finger, by yelling, "Bang!" 1071 7.36
When Chuck Norris has sex with a man, it is not because he is gay, but because he has run out of women. 149 7.36
The original theme song to the Transformers was actually "Chuck Norris--more than meets the eye, Chuck Norris--robot in disguise," and starred Chuck Norris as a Texas Ranger who defended the earth from drug-dealing Decepticons and could turn into a pick-up. This was far too much awesome for a single show, however, so it was divided. 1063 7.36
Macgyver can build an airplane out of gum and paper clips, but Chuck Norris can kill him and take it. 147 7.35
Chuck Norris once ate three 72 oz. steaks in one hour. He spent the first 45 minutes having sex with his waitress. 292 7.34
Chuck Norris frequently signs up for beginner karate classes, just so he can "accidentally" beat the **** out of little kids. 667 7.33
One of the greatest cover-ups of the last century was the fact that Hitler did not commit suicide in his bunker, but was in fact tea-bagged to death by Chuck Norris. 516 7.33
Chuck Norris doesn't understand why you should consult your doctor if your erection lasts for more than 4 hours. His erections have been known to last for up to 15 days. 647 7.32

[bell]

Originally posted by bryanthompson


Chuck Norris was originally born in 1916 with the name Zander Washington in a small town in upstate South Dakota to a Baptist minister named Clarence.

so chuck norris is 90 years old?

[VaSteve]

From the Washington Post:

Fans create the Norris legend

By Paul Farhi
The Washington Post


Chuck Norris does not sleep. He waits.

Chuck Norris frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just not his own.

Chuck Norris does not fade away. By all rights he should have, by now. "Walker, Texas Ranger," his butt-kicking law-and-order TV series, finished its run on CBS in May 2001, after eight years and 203 episodes. And that should have been that for the great Stoneface, outside of the endless cable reruns, the Total Gym infomercials and the occasional late-night rebroadcast of one of his '80s-era chop-socky movies ("Lone Wolf McQuade," "Missing in Action," etc.).

But Chuck Norris, or maybe just Chuck Mania, endures.

The 65-year-old martial-arts master is the object of a kind of sardonic cult veneration. Conan O'Brien, on his late-night show, has been airing vintage "Walker" clips for months. Collegehumor.com, a Web site popular among the dorm set, regularly links to all things Norris on the Internet (recent entry: a rare photo of Norris sans beard). Norris popped up in a cameo in "Dodgeball" two summers ago, and in a two-hour "Walker" movie in October, which drew respectable ratings.

Most intriguing, and certainly most amusing, has been the grass-fire spread of Chuck Norris "facts," a series of Paul Bunyanesque exaggerations riffing on (and amplifying) the Legend of Chuck. Such as:

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer. Too bad he has never cried.

Wilt Chamberlain claims to have slept with more than 20,000 women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow Tuesday."

Why him and not others?

Why does Norris (once described by a critic as the stiffest guy on TV since Ed Sullivan) rate this sort of exaltation, this David Hasselhoff-ization? Why not fellow aging B-pic martial-arts action stars such as Steven Seagal or Jean-Claude Van Damme? Why a guy who never uttered more than three consecutive lines of dialogue and tended to solve contentious military and law-enforcement issues by, um, kicking people in the head?

Chuck Norris does not go hunting because "hunting" implies a chance of failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

Outer space exists because it's afraid to be on the same planet with Chuck Norris.

While hardly an unbiased source, Jeff Duclos, who has been Norris' publicist since the last season of "Walker," chalks up Chuck Mania to Norris' "consistent persona."

"There are very few people who have projected that kind of image, that kind of mythical heroism," he says.

A steady repertoire

Norris certainly has been consistent during his 30-plus-year movie-and-TV career. Through scores of "Walker" episodes and nearly two-dozen movies, he played pretty much the same guy: the square-jawed embodiment of law and order, who would do What Was Right, even if right involved beating up people. As latter-day Texas Ranger Cordell Walker, Norris and his sidekicks were the white hats out to get rid of drug-dealin', kidnappin', gun-runnin', no-good scum. Every week, justice prevailed. And it prevailed with great guest stars, including Frank Stallone, Joan Jett, Erik Estrada, Ann Jillian, Tom Bosley and Barbara Mandrell.

Another possible explanation for Norris adulation is a demographic one: Young adults, who grew up watching "Walker" on Saturday nights, are reliving a fond bit of their childhood, just as earlier generations elevated "The Brady Bunch" and "The Dukes of Hazzard" to iconic camp status. In any case, young people seem to be the driving force behind Norris nostalgia. The most frequent visitors to the Chuck Norris Fact Generator (www.4q.cc/chuck/), a daily offering of Chuck "facts," are college students and military personnel, according to Ian Spector, the site's co-founder.

Spector, 17, a Brown University freshman from Long Island, started a "fact" site for the actor Vin Diesel in April and joined forces with another Web designer, Mike Lelli, to launch the Norris site a month later. The Norris generator got 18 million of its 28.7 million hits in the past month, Spector reports. He has now collected some 8,000 Norris "facts" from visitors and plans to produce a book and a calendar.

Why the passion for Chuck? Spector has a few thoughts: "I guess he's well-enough known that people know what he's done," he says. "And he's been out of the culture long enough so that people can go wherever they want with the 'facts.' Beyond that, it's really hard to say."

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.

Norris was on vacation with his family and unavailable for comment, according to Duclos. The publicist adds, however, that Norris doesn't mind making a little fun of his persona. He appeared on O'Brien's show last year, in a skit in which Norris stopped O'Brien from showing another "Walker" clip by shooting his hand away from a clip-generating lever.

"He's a good sport," Duclos says. "He's a serious guy, but I don't think he takes himself too seriously."

As for the Internet "facts," Norris hasn't seen those yet, says Duclos.

Probably just as well. You wouldn't want to upset Chuck Norris.

There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Chuck Norris has allowed to live.

[theFONZ]

This simple model should explain how the sun works to anyone who is still confused.

[theFONZ]

and this one

[Jared at Pelican Parts]

Originally posted by theFONZ
and this one

Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked Fonz in the head for assuming his package was so small. Subsequently, all light switches now are the size of broomsticks to avoid such confusion about scaled pictures of himself in the future.

[legion]

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why there are no signs of life there.

As a teen Chuck Norris impregnated every nun in a convent tucked away in the hills of Tuscany. Nine months later the nuns gave birth to the 1972 Miami Dolphins, the only undefeated and untied team in professional football history.

If Chuck Norris is late, time better slow the f*&* down.

President Bush DID have a sure fire plan to end the war in Iraq, However Chuck Norris was busy that day.

To prove it isn't that big of a deal to beat cancer. Chuck Norris smoked 15 cartons of cigarettes a day for 2 years and acquired 7 different kinds of cancer only to rid them from his body by flexing for 30 minutes. Beat that, Lance Armstrong.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus was real.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a royal flush.

Someone once tried to tell Chuck Norris that roundhouse kicks aren't the best way to kick someone. This has been recorded by historians as the worst mistake anyone has ever made.

At birth, Chuck Norris came out feet first so he could roundhouse kick the doctor in the face. Nobody delivers Chuck Norris but Chuck Norris

Chuck Norris can touch MC Hammer.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it wouldn't take s&*& from anybody.

[RallyJon]

What would happen if Chuck Norris crossed Dick Cheney?

[legion]

Yes, the old question of when an irresistable force (Chuck Norris's feet) meet an immovable object (Dick Cheney). We should put them in a room together, for the sake of science.

[IROC]

True Chuck Norris story (best I can tell). There was a DJ in Birmingham a few years (really funny guy, actually) that was in to martial arts back in the '80s and recounted the time Chuck Norris came to their school.

He said that each of the students stood side-by-side (maybe 30 or so) and as Chuck walked down the line, they introduced themselves and shook his hand or whatever. Anyway Chuck then spends 30 or 40 minutes talking to them and breaking boards or something and then before he left he walked back down that same line of 30 or so students and remembered every one of their names - first and last.

Not the same as single-handedly defeating the Germans or wiping out trailer parks, but pretty impressive.

Mike

[austin552]

Lost 60lbs on a hot dog diet...