Chuck Norris facts

[rob justice]

Who needs the Hoff................

The Dinosaurs looked at Chuck Norris the wrong way
once. ONCE.

While riding the elevator, Chuck Norris never pushes
the button, the elevator better just know what floor
Chuck Norris needs to be on.

Chuck Norris has already been to Mars; that's why
there are no signs of life there.

If at first you don't succeed, you're obviously not
Chuck Norris.

They once made a Chuck Norris toilet paper, but it
wouldn't take ***** from anybody.

Chuck Norris doesn't read books. He stares them down
until he gets the information he wants.

When Chuck Norris was in middle school, his English
teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" Chuck
Norris received an "A+" for writing only the words
"Chuck Norris" and promptly turning in the paper.

Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He
potato-sacks them.

Every time Chuck Norris smiles it saves the life of a
dying man. Ironically, Chuck Norris only smiles after
he kills someone.

Superman owns a pair of Chuck Norris pajamas.

Before he forgot a gift for Chuck Norris, Santa Claus
was real.

According to Einstein's theory of relativity, Chuck
Norris can actually roundhouse kick you yesterday.

Chuck Norris' action figure has slept with more women
than most men.

Chuck Norris' hand is the only hand that can beat a
royal flush.

Chuck Norris doesn't use pickup lines, he simply says,
"Now."

Chuck Norris clogs the toilet even when he p*s.

Oxygen requires Chuck Norris to live.

Chuck Norris has a word for a person he puts into a
coma; that word is "lucky".

Once a grizzly bear threatened to eat Chuck Norris.
Chuck showed the bear his fist and the bear proceeded
to eat himself, because it would be the less painful
way to die.

Chuck Norris can unscramble an egg.

Similar to a Russian Nesting Doll, if you were to
break Chuck Norris open you would find another Chuck
Norris inside, only smaller and angrier.

Cars were invented to have a faster way of fleeing
from Chuck Norris. Not to be outdone, Chuck Norris
invented the car accident.

Chuck Norris does not know about this site. Otherwise
he would have deleted the internet.

Wilt Chamberlin claims to of slept with over 20,000
women in his lifetime. Chuck Norris calls this "a slow
Tuesday."

It was once believed that Chuck Norris actually lost a
fight to a pirate, but that is a lie, created by Chuck
Norris himself to lure more pirates to him. Pirates
never were very smart.

A man was once stranded on the side of the road after
his car ran out of gas. Chuck Norris drove by, got
out, and looked the man in the eye. The man knew that
everything would be fine. Then Chuck proceeded to p*
into the man's gas tank and to this very day that man
has never had to fill his gas tank up again. That was
14 years ago.

Chuck Norris can eat soup with a fork.

One time in an airport a guy accidentally called Chuck
Norris "Chick Norris". He explained it was an honest
mistake and apologized profusely. Chuck accepted his
apology and politely signed an autograph. Nine months
later, the guy's wife gave birth to a bearded baby.
The guy knew exactly what had happened, and blames
nobody but himself.

Chuck Norris can eat a Rubix Cube and poop it out
solved.

Chuck Norris once bet NASA he could survive re-entry
without a spacesuit. On July 19th, 1999, a naked Chuck
Norris re-entered the earth's atmosphere, streaking
over 14 states and reaching a temperature of 3000
degrees. An embarrassed NASA publicly claimed it was a
meteor, and still owes him a beer.

Chuck Norris doesn't have to stop bullets because they
know better.

Achilles was supposedly the greatest warrior of all
time, but he died because of his weak spot, the
Achilles tendon. There is no Chuck Norris tendon.

Before each filming of Walker: Texas Ranger, Chuck
Norris is injected with five times the lethal dose of
elephant tranquilliser. This is, of course, to limit
his strength and mobility, in an attempt to lower the
fatality rate of the actors he fights.

If you don't know who your biological father is, it's
probably Chuck Norris.

Chuck Norris challenged a statue to a staring contest.
Chuck remains undefeated.

There are two kinds of people in this world: People
who are Chuck Norris, and people who are going to die.


After taking the first steps on the moon and saying
the immortal words, "One small step for man, one giant
leap for mankind", Neil Armstrong looked to his right,
only to see Chuck Norris there on the moon, sitting on
a lawn chair drinking a beer. "Giant leap, my ass",
Chuck replied.

Chuck Norris does not have to mow his lawn. He simply
stares at the grass and dares it to grow.

The first lunar eclipse took place after Chuck Norris
challenged the sun to a staring contest. Chuck Norris
always wins.

[juanbenae]

another one you missed: other than that pimping that exercise machine with c. brinkley, his career is pretty much over.

[david.avery]

And my favorite:

Chuck Norris' tears can cure cancer. Too bad he never cries.

[David]

Chuck Norris doesn't go hunting because that implies failure. Chuck Norris goes killing.

[B D]

Get them all here: http://www.chucknorrisfacts.com/