Are you glad you had kids? Evan at $200K+ per?

[jkarolyi]

I'm 31 years old, very happy with my life as it is, and financially stable. My girlfriend is 26, a 4th grade school teacher, great with kids.

The "M" word has come up recently, and I'm strongly considering it (I mean, geez, I'm 31!). We are incredibly compatible besides her being a rabid California liberal. But there are a few things holding me back. She keeps asking me if I want to have kids of my own, as she'd like at least two.

I'm really undecided, and this fact bothers her. My sister has a couple of kids, and while they're fun for an hour or two, after that they get cranky and it's time for them to go home! On the other hand, my neighbors have kids that we babysit sometimes and they are so easy-going and well behaved. Unfortunately, I share a gene pool with my sister.

As it is now, my life is uncomplicated, stress-free and I have all the money to do things I want (like having four Porsches at once!) even though I only make the median income for CA. Having kids these days is SO expensive, and most teenagers I know today hate their parents and give them nothing but stress and grief. Kids now cost over $200,000 + EACH to raise, and that's if THEY pay for their college!!! Can you say Carerra GT?

http://www.csgnetwork.com/childcostcalc.html

I always hear people say that having kids is worth the cost and headache, usually within earshot of their wives and kids though. So I thought I'd ask it at this mostly male forum: Any regrets to having kids of your own? If you don't feel comfortable saying *yes*, a simple "stay single and barren" will suffice.

[cowtown]

I don't really like kids. But I love my kid. The most challenging and rewarding thing we've done yet. He's 2 and a half now, so my trouble is really just beginning, I guess.

You're both still young - there is some time to think before you have to have them if you're going to have them.

[IROC]

I don't believe that $200k number for a minute. I have a 15 year old son and 2 year old daughter and I can guarantee you that they don't cost that much to raise.

Kids are wonderful. Until you have them, you don't understand what it's like. Other people's kids aren't a good indication, either. Other people's kids get on my nerves for the most part. Seeing my daughter smile is the greatest thing in the world though...

Mike

[Drago]

I'll second cowtown...I love MY kids, its other people kids that bother me (with a few exceptions). It's the complete lack of discipline and self-control I see that bugs me.

[arcsine]

cowtown +3

If you are looking at kids with a ROI angle of how you could better spend your money or time, don't do it. You will only regret doing it and resent the kid. It took me a long time to get some things-I-wanted-to-do checked off the list before I could see having one and it took me until I was 39 for it to happen. I am very happy we did have a kid and would not trade the experience for anything.

[curlesw]

When it comes to kids, I do have one regret…I wish my wife and I had started sooner. As it is, we are expecting #6 in Oct, which will probably be the last since my wife is 41. Deciding if and how many children to have is a very personal matter but I can tell you this, the older I get, the more I enjoy being around my wife and children.

Just two quick points:
1) The $200k number is BS, not even close to that, it’s much less than that (for us anyway)
2) Don’t let how other children act concern you about how your child will act. Children act they way they do because parents teach (i.e. train) them to act that way.

If it were me, I’d have a dozen.

V/r
Wayne C.

[Don Plumley]

If you are seriously contemplating a "kids cost x" train of thought, please consider a vasectomy.

Being a parent has nothing to do with cost. The rewards are far greater. I'm a self-centered, driven, selfish over-achiever. The only thing that brings balance into my life are my wife and kids. Having kids is one of those great life lessons: You learn to be #2 (or in my house, #5, behind the dog); you learn about the fragility of life; you learn to be constantly humbled. And somewhwere deep inside, as you provide for them and watch them grow, you understand what our underlying role for occupying the planet is all about.

Having a family means the victories (whether career or installing that set of brake pads) are shared and even better. And the losses are also shared and the burdens reduced. While I'm just selfish enough to at times be jealous of the single guys out there - able to do exactly what they want (and to whom they want) whenever they want -- but I can't picture my life any other way.

Having kids is not for everyone. Unfortunately, there are too many parents out there that never got out of bar stool school before they had the reponsibility of raising kids. And those kids are worse for it.

However, the mere fact that you are engaging in an intelligent discussion about whether you want to be a parent or not immediately places you in the 95th percentile. Maybe you should pass those genes along. You can't imagine a more difficult yet more rewarding task.

Good Luck!

[Seahawk]

I didn't get married until I was 35. My wife is 9 years younger than I...and I had exactly the same issues you are pondering.

Regrets? None.

Worth it? Absolutely...and in ways I did not, and perhaps could not, understand before having children This is a common theme with my friends: Who knew just how powerful the emotions of fatherhood would really be...we/I certainly didn't.

Children demand attention and time, not because they are demanding, but because being a father is and should be.

Good luck, whatever hapens.

[David]

I wasn't too thrilled about kids until I had one at 27. In hindsight, I wish I had two close together.

Since you're liberal, you should have 3 to keep up with the conservatives.

Seriously, you should have them now and have two. JMHO.

[oldE]

Some great words being passed along here. I'll try to keep up the standard.
If you are going to have children, prepare yourself to be a parent. Give of yourself, not things. We spend too much money and not enough time on our kids.
Thank heavens for the wisdom of my wife. She is a teacher and I have to say, our two would not be as well behaved and mannered as they are if it wasn't for her.
Boys are not different from girls, per se. Each child is an individual and will respond to you and others in different ways. Respect that but ensure you instill in them the same sense of responsibility.
Our daughter is in her teens, learning about friends and broken hearts, duty and hope. She is a work in progress.
Our son is a young adult, living in a city 2 hours away. In my more truthful moments, I look at him and marvel at this young man who came out of our life together.
Les

[lendaddy]

Who's Evan and why is he so expensive?

[Rick Lee]

A timely discussion. I'm in very much the same boat as Jay, though I only have two Porsches at the moment. I make around the median income for my area and have no desire to take on more responsibilities. I still haven't gotten over the novelty of my 10 yr.-younger-than-me GF getting her first job and being able to pick up the dinner check now and then. I use my iPod so much because I can't stand loud people, usually kids, on the train on the way to work everyday. I watch friends' kids playing in the garage when we're all wrenching on our P-cars and shiver to think what it would be like for me to have to worry about that, much less beg my GF or wife or in-laws to babysit so I can go to the track.

My best friend has been married for 18 mos. and his wife is pregnant. He is going to China with me in May because he knows it's his last chance for the next 18 yrs. to do some adventure travel. He's only been to Europe once and nowhere else overseas. I've checked off a LOT of those must-do-before-I-die things already, but I have some more to go. I can't even imagine paying for college and I don't think I could bear to send my kids to public schools, having been to prep school myself and seeing what kids are like nowadays. I wasn't even a difficult kid - never called Mom and Dad from jail, never needed stitches, never messed up the house or cars. And I'd go nuts if I had to deal with that with my own kids. I'm 34 now and just don't know if the desire to be a father will ever hit me.

[Seahawk]

Originally posted by Rick Lee
My best friend has been married for 18 mos. and his wife is pregnant. He is going to China with me in May because he knows it's his last chance for the next 18 yrs. to do some adventure travel.

Rick,

I hit every adventure mark in my life before I got married...name it, I tried it and either had a moment or got scuffed.

Your friend is wrong. Three years ago, my son and I drove across country (my wife and daughter flew out later). We camped and hiked through the Lewis and Clark trail in Idaho and Washington...he was eight and left me gasping for air on our adventure on the, "trail".

Too many more events to mention...

My best friend has four kids...oldest is a a soph at UVA, second will be a Plebe at the Naval Academy next year and the last two are my kids age (13 and 11): he moved to Italy five years ago with that herd and they went EVERYWHERE...adventures like Magellan.

It is a mind set.

[Joeaksa]

Our kids are our future, we have no choice in the matter. Its up to us to have kids and do as good or better a job than our parents did with us.

Could care less what it costs...

BTW, I traveled the world with my Father, and enjoyed almost every minute of it. As well learned about a great man. Do it yourself with your kids.

[jorian]

Your kids are the greatest people you'll ever have the pleasure of knowing.

[azasadny]

Children can't be financially "justified" as they are worth more than $. I love my two kids and wouldn't give them or the wonderful memories I have of them growing up (Becky is 10 and Daniel is 14) for anything this world has to offer. Getting married and having kids require tough decisions, sacrifice, patience, hard work and much love but the rewards can't even be described in words...

[Porsche-O-Phile]

No kids, no regrets whatsoever.

I know I'm going to get the sorry looks and posts about "oh, you don't know what you're missing" but frankly I think it's bull. It ain't for everyone and I freely admit I'm in that category. I enjoy life in my own way too much and I know I'd only view them as a liability, a financial holdback, a stress magnifier and a PITA. Not to say they wouldn't have their wonderful/cute/admirable/positive moments - I'm sure they would, but as with most things in life, I look at it as cost-benefit. For me, the cost FAR outweighs the benefit and I'm fine with that.

I intend to live well, enjoy my life to the fullest and laugh all the way to the bank (which I'm already doing versus my friends that have gone down the "child-ized" road). My life, my choice.

My reasons are complex and many but it is something I've given thought to. I'm now in my mid-30s and pretty soon the decision will be made for us (one can't have children forever!) I'm okay with that. Just like Porsches aren't for everyone - kids aren't for everyone and I don't fault anyone for their personal preference. For those that have 'em and are happy - more power to you. I seek no sympathy or anything for MY decision not to.

I also agree that the $200k figure is a bit on the light side. It's probably closer to $300k by my estimates, but that's also based on more-expensive-than-most-places southern California and based on what I'd expect to provide. FWIW that number is HIGHLY variable based on that. . .

Anyway, I figure with $200k, $300k, $400k whatever it is I'm saving over the long run, I can do a helluva lot more for myself, my wife, my parents (who are still with us) and the other 6 billion inhabitants of planet Earth that are here NOW versus bringing another few onto it. . . I see my decision as just as noble as the one to procreate, if not more so.

[gassy]

Try to put a price on this...

[pwd72s]

I'll try to keep this short. Back in 1975 I married the woman I still love & live with. Her "baggage" was a young daughter from a previous marriage. I adopted the daughter. She was a great kid...then puberty hit. Our daughter is now a 36 year old RN wearing out her 2nd. hubby. All post puberty things considered, cost included? I probably should have bought a Ferrari. But, I'm not crying about the money as much as I am about the relationship. I'll be very content if I never see the "kid" again, and I'm grateful that she lives 1/2 the continent away from me. I'm sure she feels the same way. She's all grown up now. If we met as strangers? I wouldn't like her...my love for her mother is the only reason I stuck around for those post puberty 10 years or so. The kid was total hell to live with for a decade. The day our daughter left home was one of the happiest days of my life. 'Nuff said.

[cantdrv55]

There are certain people who should not have kids. Unfortunately, they seem to be the ones who are extremely fertile. Not saying that anyone on this board fits this description at all so please don't misunderstand me. I have to agree with previous poster(s) who said that if you are looking at having a family and considering the cost of this, please don't have kids. Happiness, pride and love cannot be measured in $.