Favorite wise@ss sayings

[addictionMS]

when your done talking am I going to care?

[elwood-914]

You know what they say......................who cares
Don't go away mad .........................just go away

[Hugh R]

Wow, you must be at the top of the IQ bell curve, huh?

[FrayAdjacent911]

You can't polish a turd - is one I've used frequently... hehehe

Oh, that dog just ain't gonna hunt!

You're gonna smoke a turd in hell for that!

as useful as tits on a fish

[Dottore]

Originally posted by Howard Agency
"A humble man, with much to be humble about."

This, I believe, was one of many disparaging remarks made by Winston Churchill about Clement Atlee. Although I believe the operative word was "modest" rather than humble.

Churchill, a notorious lush, also once described Atlee as "a victim of the use of water as a beverage".

[dafischer]

She's a butterface girl. Great body, but her face...

Looks like the former goalie on the darts team.

[Howard Agency]

Originally posted by dafischer
Looks like the former goalie on the darts team.

Ouch!

And Dottore, think you are correct.

So anyway, we're taking a Med cruise this fall, and our first stop is in Livorno. Looking up to local stuff (want to rent a car and drive like an Italian) bumped into name origin of the City. Livorno=Leghorn in English. As in the famous chicken. X-ref there to Foghorn Leghorn, so I looked him up. His famous sayings:

"That boy is about as sharp as a bowlin' ball."
"Son, I said Son..."
"Now don't set the world on fire."
"Nice boy, but he doesn't pay attention to a word you say."
"I say!, I say!, The boy is bozerk!!"
"Clunk enough people and we'll have a nation of lumpheads."
"Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice."
"That woman's as cold as a nudist on an iceberg."
"She reminds me of Paul Revere's ride - a little light in the belfry."
"Gal reminds me of the highway between Ft. Worth and Dallas - no curves."
"As bare as a cooch dancer's midriff."
"Hey boy, you cover about as much as a flapper's skirt in a high wind."
"She's tryin' to make a pantywaist out of that poor kid."
"That kid's about as sharp as a pound of wet liver."
"If kid don't stop talkin' so much he'll get his tongue sunburned."
"Well, barbeque my hamhocks!"
"That dog's as subtle as a hand grenade in a barrrel of oat meal."
"That boy's as strong as an ox, and just about as smart."
"Look sister, is any of this filtering through that little blue bonnet of yours?"
"You're doing a lot of choppin', but no chips are flyin'."
"I've got this boy as figgity as a bubble dancer with a slow leak."
"You look like two miles of bad road."
"That boy's just like a tattoo...gets under your skin."
"This is gonna cause more confusion than a mouse in a burlesque show!"
"I-I-I know what you're gonna say son. When two halves is gone there's nuthin' left - and you're right. It's a little ol' worm who wasn't there. Two nuthins is nuthin'. That's mathematics son. You can argue with me but you can't argue with figures. Two half nuthins is a whole nuthin'."
"Lookit here son, I say son, did ya see that hawk after those hens? He scared 'em! That Rhode Island Red turned white. Then blue. Rhode Island. Red, white, and blue. That's a joke, son. A flag waver."
"You're built too low. The fast ones go over your head. Ya got a hole in your glove. I keep pitchin' 'em and you keep missin' 'em. Ya gotta keep your eye on the ball. Eye. Ball. I almost had a gag, son. Joke, that is."
"Okay, I'll shut up. Some fellas have to keep their tongues flappin' but not me. I was brought up right. My pa used to tell me to shut up and I'd shut up. I wouldn't say nothin'. One time darn near starved to death. WOULDN'T TELL HIM I WAS HUNGRY!!"
"Fortunately, I keep my feathers numbered for just such an emergency!"
"You're doing a lot of choppin', but no chips are flyin'"
"Boy's like a dead horse -- got no get-up-and-go..."
"Pay attention, boy! I'm cuttin' but you're not bleedin'!"
"Kid don't stop talking so much he'll get his tongue sun burned."
"Mutts - ah say - mutts is nuts!"
"I don't this kid's got all his marbles. Shakes his head when he means yes and nods when he means no."
"That boy's so dumb, he thinks a Mexican border pays rent!"
"I don't need your love to keep me warm, Widow Hen. I have my BANDAGES to keep me warm!"
"Say, boy, you cover about as much as a flapper skirt in a high wind."
"You've gotta be a magician to keep a kid's attention 'more than two minutes nowadays!"
"A sensitive mind won't stand being picked on."
"The dawg's busier than a centipede at a toe-counting contest."
"Hey Dawg! I've come to bury the hatchet! Ha, ha. Not in your pointed head, Boy. I've come to give a present!"
"The snow's so deep, the farmers have to jack up the cows so they can milk 'em!"
"Here, boy, I bought you this bowling ball. I also bought you this clock to tell you when it's time to bowl."
"That dawg is strictly G.I. -- Gibbering Idiot!"
"My foot's getting hotter than a sweat-band in a fireman's helmet."
"OH that woman Gotta mouth like an outboard moter, All the time putputputputputput!"
"That boy's as timid as a canary at a cat-show."
"I need, I say, I need a pointer, and that dog's got just the head for it. Pointed, that is."
"Go away, boy! Or I'll spank you where the feathers are thinnest."
"Boy's got a mouth like a cannon. Always shooting it off."
"Some like to bowl on the green. I'm gonna bowl on the white."
"What'ya doin' with a pump, boy? Diggin' for oil? You're crazy, boy. There's no oil within 500 miles of here. Geology of the ground's all wrong. Even if there WAS oil you'd need a drill not a tire pump."
"Speakin' of figures. I put 2 and 2 together and come up with a 4-legged, smart alec mutt!"
"Smart boy, got a mind like a steel trap -- full of mice."
"I sais, now I said, pay attention boy!"

[dafischer]

They call her melancholy baby. Head like a melon, face like a collie...

[Brian 162]

Usually with a group of co-workers.

Casually say "I can't wait until tomorrow"

Someone always bites "why?"

I reply " I get better looking every day."


Works every time.

[Joe Bob]

That boy makes dirt look smart....
Wanna see a moon, a crater and two satellites?

[craigster59]

She's so ugly even the tide won't take her out.
hotter than a freshly f*cked fox in a forest fire.

[cool_chick]

Sucks to be you.

[M.D. Holloway]

Your lucky ya gots tits or nobody would pay attention to ya

[Howard Agency]

Yer lucky you have acute angina, those are the ugliest tits I've ever seen.

Am I banned yet?

[M.D. Holloway]

?? WTF? Howard, your way too smart for this *****

[Howard Agency]

Originally posted by LubeMaster77
?? WTF? Howard, your way too smart for this *****

Is that a good or a bad thing? Should I back off?

[dafischer]

Originally posted by Howard Agency
Is that a good or a bad thing? Should I back off?

Hell no. Just like the motto in my fraternity house..."If you don't have anything good to say, say it."

[oldE]

In the Foghorn Leghorn list, I'm surprised they ommitted
" Kids these days! Don't even know how to tie down their pumpkins! Why, when I was a boy... Say, I never tied down no pumpkins when I was a boy! Say Kid! I say, what you doing tying down a ...(SPLUT!).. Ask a silly question: you get a silly answer"

Les

[cashflyer]

Other colloquial aphorisms:

...slicker than snot
...slicker than owl ****
She's finer than frog hair
It's easy as pulling a greasy string out a cats a$$.
He's f**ked up as a train wreck
He's drunker than a nine-eyed n****r on a unicycle
Red on the head like a d**k on a dog (for a redheaded person)
You can't make a silk purse from a sows ear
...like stink on ****
...like white on rice
...like green on grass
She's ugly enough to scare a buzzard off a gut wagon.
He's riding a gravy train on biscuit wheels.
We're ****tin' in high cotton now.
Don't let the door hit ya where the good lord split ya.
That'll go over like a pregnant pole vaulter.
Nuttier than a Squirrel turd.
It's as easy as herding chickens.
Tighter than a skeeter's ass in a nose dive.
She's wound up tighter than the girdle of a baptist minister's
wife at an all-you-can-eat pancake breakfast.
She's so ugly her parents had to tie a pork chop around her neck just to get the dog to play with her.
Hornier than a two peckered billy goat.


There's more. I just got to get a few friends drunk to remember them all.

[Howard Agency]

Just stumbled on these:
1) Suppose you were an idiot.
And suppose you were a member of Congress.
But then I repeat myself

............Mark Twain


2) I contend that for a nation to try to tax itself into prosperity is
like a man standing in a bucket and trying to lift himself
up by the handle.

........Winston Churchill


3) A government which robs Peter to pay Paul can always
depend on the support of Paul.

.............George Bernard Shaw


4) A liberal is someone who feels a great debt to his fellow
man, which debt he proposes to pay off with your money.

............G. Gordon Liddy


5) Democracy must be something more than two wolves
and a sheep voting on what to have for dinner.

............James Bovard, Civil Libertarian (1994)


6) Foreign aid might be defined as a transfer of money from
poor people in rich countries to rich people in poor countries.

......Douglas Casey, Classmate of Bill Clinton at Georgetown University


7) Giving money and power to government is like giving
whiskey and car keys to teenage boys.

...............P.J. O'Rourke, Civil Libertarian


8) Government is the great fiction, through which everybody
endeavors to live at the expense of everybody else.

..........Frederic Bastiat, French Economist (1801-1850)


9) Government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short
phrases:
If it moves, tax it.
If it keeps moving, regulate it.
And if it stops moving, subsidize it.

.........Ronald Reagan (1986)


10) I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the
facts.

.............Will Rogers


11) If you think health care is expensive now, wait until
you see what it costs when it's free.

.........P.J. O'Rourke


12) In general, the art of government consists of taking as much money
as
possible from one party of the citizens to give to the other.

........Voltaire (1764)


13) Just because you do not take an interest in politics
doesn't mean politics won't take an interest in you.

.........Pericles (430 B.C.)


14) No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the
legislature is in session.

....Mark Twain (1866)


15) Talk is cheap ... except when Congress does it.

.....Unknown


16) The government is like a baby's alimentary canal, with a
happy appetite at one end and no responsibility at the other.

........Ronald Reagan


17) The inherent vice of capitalism is the unequal sharing
of the blessings.
The inherent blessing of socialism is the equal sharing of misery.

......Winston Churchill


18) The only difference between a tax man and a taxidermist
is that the taxidermist leaves the skin.

.....Mark Twain


19) The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of
folly is to fill the world with fools.

.......Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)


20) There is no distinctly native American criminal class...
save Congress.

.....Mark Twain


21) What this country needs are more unemployed politicians.

.......Edward Langley, Artist (1928 - 1995)


22) A government big enough to give you everything you
want, is strong enough to take everything you have.

........Thomas Jefferson