Kinda shafted by brother....

[AFJuvat]

My older brother (48) moved in with my wife, two children, and myself beck in January. He had lost his job and had a bad run of luck, and needed a place to stay.

King sized air matress on my den floor is where he wound up.

After two weeks, I told him that I needed $75\week to help cover expenses. (you try living anywhere for $75 a week)

In any case, he moved out this last Monday. He did not pay rent the last two weeks. I purposely did not mention it, thinking that he would take care of it on the day he left.

Also, I had done a few repairs to his car (1986 MB 560 SEL) while he was here. He still has a $200+ parts bill at my shop that he didn't take care of.

So, all told I am out roughly $350 - $400. Part of me is rather upset that he didn't make an effort. The other part of me feels that if it cost me $350 to find out what kind of person my older brother really is, it was probably worth it.

So I put this to the collective wisdom (?) of the PPOT community.

What would you do?

AFJ

[RANDY P]

bring it up. Plain and simple, however do it in private.

rjp

[nostatic]

my brother and I are essentially estranged but for very different reasons. I've just sort of written the whole thing off, and we were never very close anyway (he's 13 years older than me).

But if you want to maintain a relationship with him, Randy is right...you have to say something. If you don't, you'll just resent him and that will grow over time. Say what *you* need to say to get it off *your* chest. BUT, don't have expectations that he will do anything to make you feel better. Had this happen with my dad a couple times over the last year. I felt much better when I spoke my peace, but was very careful not to expect that he would respond in any way that I wanted him too. You just need to get it out and move on...

[vash]

forget about it. lesson learned.

[widgeon13]

If your brother can afford it then by all means speak to him about it, on the other hand, if he is still scraping to get by let it go and next time he asks for financial assistance set some guidelienes for repayment. He may want to repay you but may also be embarrassed about bringing it up.

[artplumber]

Money owed + family/friends = big trouble. I'm with the "lesson learned" attitude. If you want to bring it up it probably won't make a difference as to if it gets paid, and you'll run a major risk of ending up in confrontation (PPOT knows a little about that). When I "loaned" one of my friends $1500, I knew it was really gift. If I get payed back it will be a pleasant surprise. I realize this isn't the time to do a "told you so" kind of moment, but if you let someone stay with you without an upfront agreement, this sort of situation is almost bound to happen. You've just got to trust in the old "what goes around comes around" principle.

[jrdavid68]

Money and family - decide which one you want more.

[campbellcj]

I'd lean towards understanding and try to set things straight, especially if he is still unemployed and financially strapped. Does he actually have the money he owes you and is holding-out?

[cool_chick]

Originally posted by campbellcj
I'd lean towards understanding and try to set things straight, especially if he is still unemployed and financially strapped. Does he actually have the money he owes you and is holding-out?

That's what I was thinking....that it's still tight for him....

[Moses]

I could never charge a family member rent... but then again, I can't think of any family members I'd let move in.

[MotoSook]

Forget about it....it's family. You might need his help someday. It's not like it's thousands.


I've probably spent thousands bailing out (helping out) my family members. Although I've spent a heck of a lot more on them, they did give me a couple of hundred here and there when I was starving in college (opportunity cost pretty much makes their money worth more than mine).

$400 between brothers is not going to kill you. Is $400 worth a broken relationship with your brother? He may pay up on his own...but never will if you break the brotherly tie. Or do it bitterly...and you lose a brother.

Add up all the cost of family dinners and such over the years where you dined at each other's homes for holidays and such...

[Victor]

Originally posted by nostatic
my brother and I are essentially estranged but for very different reasons.

+1

You helped him out in his hour of need and that is what being a brother is all about.

I reckon there are two types of people:

1. Value Adders
2. Value Subtracters

So I would look at it this way:

Scenario 1:
You are hard up for cash and need the money: Confront him - you have more of a duty to your own family than to him.

Scenario 2:
You don't really need / care about the money but are more concerned about the principle of the matter: Let it go and see what he does. If he does nothing for a couple of months, confront him about it then as a matter of principle.

[nostatic]

or go on Dr. Phil

[catser911]

Whats $350 between brothers?Everybody needs help at some point in life.I dont know the details, just consider you donated to a charity If that makes you feel better.

[RANDY P]

Without knowing your brother, my experience is that people who do that sort of thing kind of count on it. If he as a history of being a stand up person, then would you be on here talking about this?

My guess is probably not. If he's like this you can use the opportunity to close the door but still remain friendly. I've got several close friends I've done this with - I don't get paid back, next time they ask I simply remind them why.

Family is difficult, but ultimately it's a relationship nonetheless. It's a two way street - he needs to respect you as well, anything less is he's taking advantage of your good nature.

rjp

[speeder]

Hard to say, I would lean towards bringing it up but not in any kind of angry or confrontational way. Thing is, he will wind up resenting you for helping him. It's a weird dynamic, but he probably feels small right now because he can't take care of his obligations. I'm having a tough time w/ $$ for the last year and sweating bullets about paying my bills plus some personal debts, and I know that I will feel great when it's all straight.

I have the opposite kind of brother. I am the broke one and he is very well-off. I have to make a conscous effort not to take advatage of his generosity because I love my brother a lot, (and vice-versa), he knows that I am broke and throws $$ and free plane tickets to Europe at me. I guess it paid off for me being the gear head and trouble-maker who beat the schit out of anybody who picked on my little book worm brother when we were kids.

[Victor]

Originally posted by nostatic
or go on Dr. Phil

And just where do you think Dr. Phil does his research?

[snowman]

Forget it, period.

[Moses]

Originally posted by catser911
Whats $350 between brothers?Everybody needs help at some point in life.I dont know the details, just consider you donated to a charity If that makes you feel better.

I agree. I never kept track of money I gave to family and friends. Even when I was poor, if I was the only one with money in my pocket, I'd pick up the tab. It always came back to me. Not one of my friends ever took advantage. When I help a relative in need, I don't think about getting repaid, but I do expect and deeply appreciate a thank you.

[RANDY P]

Originally posted by Moses
I agree. I never kept track of money I gave to family and friends. Even when I was poor, if I was the only one with money in my pocket, I'd pick up the tab. It always came back to me. Not one of my friends ever took advantage. When I help a relative in need, I don't think about getting repaid, but I do expect and deeply appreciate a thank you.

I'm the same way. I don't mind spending on friends, family when it's good times if I'm the one who makes the choice to do so. I never ask for anything back, except appreciation and enjoyment.

It does come back. The only time I get resentful is when someone else spends my money for me... Without my consent.


FOR INSTANCE-

Last weekend, someone threw a bday party - was supposed to be at buddy's g-friend's apartment, I was put in charge of the music.

No big deal.

Next thing, said girlfriend calls me while I'm driving around, minding my own business then I get hit - and hard -

"we lost the apartment rec room so I needed to rent this hall out and we (love the liberal use of the word) need a credit card - it's just a deposit! They won't charge it! I like, need it NOW"

Mind you, I was never asked if I would help out. I was told to do this. I wasn't born yesterday. I figured the initial charges to be about $400, before carpet cleaning charges after we get done with it (we party like that) but, still dumbfounded I reluctanctly gave her the card. She claimed that my buddie's biz parters will help foot the bill -

I made some sheepish attempt to get her to agree that by Sat (party date) she'd collect 2/3rd's the fee of the deposit and I'd take care of the rest. (incidentally they are all owners of a RE deveopment group - and have money, borrowed of course.) The chick arranging the party is an Allstate agent (yes, a full agent) and most of the attendants were fairly well off.

You guessed it, come Sat. all I got was a bunch double talk about "people not coming through, they said they'd help, everyone left, forgot wallets, etc. etc" - 25 people all close friends and not ONE of 'em stepped up? Which means RANDY P gets stuck with the bill of now $1K after cleaning and beer reimbursement.

I checked Sun. nite to see if the card was authorized, which it wasn't, then convienently reported it stolen.

Sure enough, girlfriend called says today there's "a problem with my card" - Problem solved. I'll pay the 1/3 of the initial tab as agreed, but no more. The party mooches can uphold their own end.

That's how you deal with the mooches.

rjp