Tell me if I'm being too strict with my son

[cantdrv55]

My son is normally an A student but lately he's been getting Bs in the classes that really matter and a C is science. He's a sophomore in HS and this is the year he really needed to start buckling down not slacking off.

And that's just it, he is slacking off. I went to his last HS open house and all his teachers say he should be a straight A student. His test grades are A's but his homework grades are C's. He figured out that he really didn't need to do his homework completely and still get a B (he miscalculated on science, he says).

I've decided to ground him until the end of the school year. He's going to be missing a couple of sweet sixteen parties. He will not be allowed to take the written driver's test until the C is gone and there are more A's than B's in his report card. I will not teach him to drive until then as well.

Besides chores at home, his only real job is to help me pay for college through scholarships. Unlikely to get anything with grades like that. He has a lot of other things in his favor such as community work, athletics, other extra-curricular stuff but competition for entry into the University of CA system is stiff. He will be up against kids with > 4.0 GPA and all the extra-curricular stuff to boot.

Am I being too strict? Some of his friends are getting Cs and still have all their liberties. Why do some parents set such a low standard?

By the way, I do not suspect him of doing drugs or drinking. This is just pure laziness on his part.

[KevinP73]

Have you givin any thought to maybe he's bored? Maybe he needs to be more challenged on a scholastic level.

[Racerbvd]

I think you are doing the right thing, first, you show that you care and do keep an eye on his progress. My parents were very strict with me, and in the long run, I thanked them for it. You might want to have a bit of flexibility though, in case he has his eyes on a little cuttie

[id10t]

Get him out of HS and into a dual enrollment program. Here in Fl, students can do their junior and senior highschool years at a community college (like where i work), and they actually graduate with an AA or AS about 3 weeks before they finish high school....

[Tishabet]

You're being too strict.
You're right to take your son to task about his diminishing performance, but punishing him for it is not going to get you the desired results.
The real question is: why is he slacking off?

[fuelie600]

It sounds harsh until you realize the school year ends in a couple of weeks. I would add some incentive/reward to the mix. If you pulls it out, offer him something nice. Give him something to work for....

[scottmandue]

Have you stressed the scholarship angle to him?
Does he understand he is blowing off a big chunk of change by being lazy?
Maybe get some pictures of University cheerleaders and ask him do you want to go where these are or do you want to go to community collage?

Catch more flys with honey.

[widebody911]

It's a question of motivation. If he busts his ass, and bumps up his GPA, he still doesn't get any tail. Where's the motivation? I'll tell you - it makes you do just enough to not get grounded.

[911boost]

My Dad did the same thing to me. I turned 16 in March, and got my DL in June, at the end of the school yeah when my grades had improved. The only difference was that he still taught me how to drive, so I had real motivation, since I knew how to drive, but didn't have a DL because I was being lazy.

I wouldn't say he is being punished (except for missing the parties etc), but positivley rewarded. My dad also said if I kept the grades up I'd get a car of my own for my 17th birthday. I made him keep his word, and I still have the 1966 Mustang we picked out together.

I have a 3 year old daughter and my wife is due any day with a boy, and I think in general a lot of parents are pussies now a days. I see a huge difference between my daughter and friends kids that are not strict at all with their kids. My daughter has always been very well behaved.

Just me thoughts.

[masraum]

I think what you are doing is fine, the only other option would be to somehow get a daily list of his homework, projects and papers to make sure that he's getting it done.

Kids at this age don't know what's best for them or what they need, it's our job as parents to enforce certain things. He may not like this stuff now, but it'll be best for him in the long run and years from now he'll know that it was a good thing.

[azasadny]

You are NOT being too strict. You're being a good, caring and responsible parent!

[Eric 951]

Hmm, I don't know, since when I was in HS sophmore year was the last "free" year to screw around and not really worry about the GPA.

However, since he is looking for a full-ride scholarship--there should be no "screw-around" time--they will evaluate all 4 years.

As has been mentioned--the key is "why" he is slacking off. He may feel pressured and just be blowing off steam. He may feel bored. He may be rebelling with typical teen angst--and this is his way of doing it. He may be looking forward to spending more time with the ladies.

Since you have already laid down the punishment--maybe talk to him, and find out the reason behind the slack-maybe approach it with the idea that depending upon the reason behind him slacking off, you will cut him some slack on the remainder of the punishment.

A full-ride scholarship is a very valuable thing.

[Eric P]

2 thoughts:

1) Your punishment: did he know that would happen (specifically) if he got the grades he did? I don't think it would be right for a cop to pull you over and give you a ticket for a speed limit that wasn't posted or stated.

2) I graduated HS with a 2.7GPA. I now have a Ph.D. (in psychology...specialties in kids and education...pm me if you want)

I like folks suggestion for figuring out the problem first...

[PorschePilot]

My kids are in their 20's now so I have been there and done that. The biggest lesson I have learned is that the kid has to want it for himself, meaning "he" has to come to the conclusion that he needs to improve or it will never happen. Making them come to that realization is not something they will do while they are mad at you.

The taking away of liberties works for small short term gains, but it will not get you though the remaining years of high school with out it being a constant battle. Having said that, I do believe that there needs to be repercussions for certain behavior, but you may be surprised that taking away liberties may have no affect on motivating him.

Tell him about your concerns for his grades and future, ask him why if he is not working up to his potential and ask him what he needs to get his grades up, maybe something like tutoring.

You are right about California Universities being tough to get it. My son had a 4.1 GPA and a bunch of AP credits and he didn't get in to his first 2 UC choices.

[einreb]

Originally posted by widebody911
It's a question of motivation. If he busts his ass, and bumps up his GPA, he still doesn't get any tail. Where's the motivation? I'll tell you - it makes you do just enough to not get grounded.

What if - and believe me this is hypothetical - but what if he were offered some kind of increased allowance. Would that do anything for him?

[gaijindabe]

I dont think any modern American parent is "too strict". I have yet to meet one...

Communication is a good thing. It is good to find out what is going on behined the scenes. The no-party thing is tough, you are only that age once, but the driving thing is a good place to apply pressure.

How about work for the summer? Loading trucks and landscaping made a better student out of me! Good luck.

[ZAMIRZ]

My dad tried to get me to do the same thing in H.S. His dream was for me to go to UCLA, and I didn't really give a crap about doing well in high school. All my friends were going to go to junior college and I wanted to go to junior college too, so I just slacked off, didn't get into any worthwhile schools and went to junior college for a couple years then transferred down here to UCSD (got into UCLA too, decided it was more my dad's dream than mine) which shut my parents up pretty good.

As long as you're not noticing any behavioral changes, which could signal the use of hard drugs, try to let him be himself. It's obvious you have a bright son if he's getting As on the exams without trying on the homework, he'll find his way eventually as long as there aren't any exogenous shocks.

If you insist on pursuing this actively, I would suggest presenting him with a proposition, whereby he'll be priveledged in some extraordinary way that he wasn't before, rather than depriving him of things that are already coming his way.

good luck.

[Moneyguy1]

Some of the arguments against it mirror the attitudes of the country that annoy me the most...Ask nothing of the child, expect no co-operation, do not punish and above all, do not hold the individual responsible for his or her actions.

My kids are grown now and thank me for "holding their feet to the fire" during their teenage years. Carrot and stick, yes. But, there were consequences for not holding up their end of the deal.

Besides, in the teen years, the "job" is to get educated. No more, no less. Learning discipline is key to a successful career attitude in the future. It is difficult to instill a positive work ethic after, say, 18.

Talk it out, make absolutely he understands the consequences and seriousness of the situation, and perhaps write up a "contract" between the two of you.
Just my thoughts. Yours may and probably will vary.

[tabs]

Originally posted by cantdrv55


He figured out that he really didn't need to do his homework completely and still get a B (he miscalculated on science, he says).

Your missing it..."He miscalculated" he says..I go with bored and not challenged...its tooo easy for him....HS has been DUMBED DOWN to accomodate the lowest rung on the ladder. Talk to him by asking about how easy it is for him and a whole new perspective will emerge between the two of you. You will find out things you never knew. He will tell you how stupid the classes are...which they are...tell him no matter how dumb they are you need to go from point A to point B to get your ticket punched and that you know he is capable and that you expect him to work to his potential to be professional at whatever he does. By listening you provide support that someone cares about him and how he does.

Then Get him in the AP Classes or over to the Community College..

I started in my Senior Year with a coupla classes, I wish I had started earlier but didn't know I could...

With the little headstart and by taking courses in the Summer I never had to take a heavy load and was able to graduate in 3 1/2 years from the University of CA ....The rest of the time I was a LSD Trippin, Bong Hittin, Free lovin, Anti-war, parents blaming, long haired Hippy Bum...in other words an Irresponsible Boomer....and according to Mother still am....

[Rot 911]

I think tabs has hit the nail right on the head.