I agree with Janus in part, but disagree with what I think he is proposing.

I certainly agree that my job as a parent is to support and mold my child for as long as I draw breath. I think that the most important and valuable gift I can give to my child is the ablility to be mature and stand on his or her own two feet.

I strongly disagree with the notion that being a parent means you give everything to your child that they want or that you can. I haven't seen too many trust fund babies that turned out to be fantastic and mature adults.

Part of being a parent is showing your child that he or she can make it on their own in the real world. THAT is the best gift you can give.

We are splitting into a number of different discussions. One involves how much of a person's resources should be devoted to their kids and how much should be kept for the parent. The other discussion centers on how to avoid raising losers.

It is possible that I am unusually harsh on parents because I am surrounded by so many examples of really, really great parents. So excellent parenting appears to be the norm to me and anything less seems dissonant. My career has exposed me to a lot of very talented and successful people - most of whom came from equally successful parents and who are, in turn, raising great kids. Indeed, when I mention to my colleagues that my parents divorced when I was a teen, they typically look at me like I have twelve heads and just landed from the planet Bizarro. Frankly, it genuinely warms my heart to see such good parenting. But OTOH, it sort of makes me want to cry because it makes me feel like such an outsider. So I can honestly answer "yes", I know people who either inherited or stand to inherit mucho dinero and yet grew up to be fine, hard working adults. Many are my friends.

But putting that aside, if I observe my colleagues and the others who seem to be doing a great job raising kids, then I seem to believe I am seeing a difference between people who teach through "motivation" and those who teach through "inspiration". Motivation is an approach we associate with "managers" and involves presenting people with a limited set of "carrot/stick" options intended to compel them to do something they'd otherwise prefer not do - like work in a lifeless cubicle eight hours every day or clean a messy bedroom. Inspiration, on the other hand, is an approach we associate with "leaders" and involves aligning a person's actions with their core values.

Case in point: I had a colleague with a couple of really great boys. But the youngest was having academic troubles. So my colleague, who was pursuing some sort of advanced degree at the time (MBA?), contrived a kind of "tag team" studying regime where he and his son tutored and helped each other pass tests and write papers etc. I never asked about the details. But he was pretty proud of the results. My sense is that he was trying to make academic success attractive by associating it with "father/son" time and (perhaps more important) to set a good example for his son to emulate and follow. No doubt, it took a long time for this approach to work and required consistency and a real time commitment. And I'm sure some carefully crafted "carrot/stick" program might have produced quicker results. But given the guy's success rate with his kids so far, I have to think his approach will pay long term dividends.

Of course, this was all presented to us in the office as an isolated case. I have to assume there is an unseen context and history behind it all whereby my colleague first had a good relationship with his son and demonstrated over time that he (my colleague) was/is a person worthy of emulation. I also assume it was backed up by generations of good parenting and is just one event in a long sequence.

Wow...that was long winded...sorry...but anyway, I believe that money is unlikely to corrupt a kid with a good character. And poverty is equally unlikely to produce a good character. If your kid's only reason to participate in society and do good works is to avoid homelessness and starvation, then...well...all I can say is...good luck...I tend to doubt that tinkering with the allowance/inheritance/college fund equation is going to do you much good...:rolleyes:

My observations echo those of of Janus. Families develop charachter, high expectations and the drive to achieve. Like Janus, my personal background was different than that of my colleagues, but the advantages of their endlessly supportive families are clear

Where's Tabs? Anyone care to speculate on how he'd vote?

I'm going to do what my Dad did for me.

I've set up an informal trust for my son (now 5). Should have enough money to pay for his college, a used car (maybe he can have my SC by then) and a downpayment on his 1st house.

I hope to get him going in his teens with the part time and summer jobs. The trust fund will be for big ticket items and will be explained as a limited dollar thing.

He will have to ask me for the advances so that will provide some kind of control over the casholla

One of the choices should be "Help the kids pay for college as long as they are getting good grades". My kids will work through college just like their mom and dad had to...

Re: How much would you like to do for your children?
 

Of course the financial planner is "suprised" you are not planning to leave a chunk for your kids. He also left your house worried you might be the start of a new trend. He is in the business of scaring you into buying lots of IRA's, life insurance and any other financial investment into your death as he can sell you.

I have a tuition fund set up fro my 13 y/o and need to set one up for my 3 y/o. I will support them 100% until they are 18 and ready to go on to collage or whatever they decide. I want them to learn to be responsible and depend on themselves not think Dad is there to bail them out everytime they screw up. There have been threads about buying the kids expensive Eruo cars for their first car etc... I prefer to let them work and earn everything they obtain. Thats how I was raised and it has served me well. It taught me to work hard and earn what you have.

Downpayment on 1st house? Not sure, hopefully this market calms down so they can actually afford one when the time comes.

It would give me great pleasure to be in a financial and personal position to help my kids through the best college they can get into. And then, if they continue to do well in life, I would love to remain involved with them as they blossomed into responsible adulthood. That means, if I have the means, I would love to help them with a down payment and a nice wedding.

To me the difference is between "help" and "give". I certainly know people who have been ruined by their parents' love for them being manifested in giving them too much. Others from similar backgrounds received just as much assistance but used it to good advantage.

It would give me great satisfaction to give my kids an easier road than I had, and put them on good footing to a better life. That includes both personal satisfaction and material comfort. After all, isn't that having kids, raising them and sending them out into the world is all about?

Couldn't have said it better.