Colonisation

[Isabo]

As the token American for a Lot of my friends I sometimes get some stick!
This was today's:

To the People of the United States of America

In light of your failure to elect a competent president, and thus to govern
yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of youy independence,
with immediate effect. Her Sovereign Majesty Elizabeth II will resumw
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths, and territories
(excepting Kansas which she does not fancy).

Our Prime Minister will appoint a governor for America without further need
for elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded. A questionnaire
will be circulated next year to establish whether any of you noticed.

To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependancy the following rules
are introduced with immediate effect :-

You will lokk up "revocation" in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up
aluminium, and check the pronunciation guide. (You will be amased at just
how wrong your pronunciation can be).

The letter U will be reinstated in words such as favour, and neighbour.
Similarly yoi]u will learn to spell doughnut without omitting half of the
letters, and the suffix ize will be replaced by the suffix ise.

Generally you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable
levels, (look up vocabulary).

Using the same 27 words interspersed with filler noises such as like, and
you know, is an unacceptable and inefficient form of communication.

There is no such thing as US English, and we will let Microsoft know on your
behalf, and their spellchecker will be amended appropriately.

You will re-learn your true national anthem "God Save the Queen".

July 4th. will no longer be celebrated as a holiday.

You will learn to resolve disputes without resorting to guns, lawyers, or
therapists. The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that
you are not adult enough to be independant anyway. Guns should only be
handled by adults. If you are not adult enough to sort things out without
resorting to lawyers or therapists then you are not adult enough to handle
guns. Therefore you are not allowed to carry anything more dangerous that a
vegetable peeler.

A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

All american cars are hereby banned. They are crap and this is for your own
good. When we show you european cars you will understand what we mean.

All intersections will be replaced by roundabouts and you will drive on the
left with immediate effect.

You will go metric with immediate effect without the benefit of conversion
tables. (Both roundabouts and metrication will help you to understrand the
British sense of humour).

The former USA will adopt UK prices on petrol (which you incorrectly refer
to as gasoline), roughly $6 per US gallon. Get used to it.

You will learn to make real chips. The things you call fries are not real
chips, and the things you call chips are properly called crisps.

The cold tasteless stuff you call beer is not actually beer at all.
Henceforth only proper British beer will be called beer, and European brews
of known and accepted provenance will be referred to as lager. American
brews will be referred to as near frozen gnats urine so that all can be sold
without confusion.

Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast English actors as good guys,
and compelled to cast English actors to play English roles. Watching Andie
MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was akin
to having ones ears removed with a cheese grater.

You will cease playing American Football. There is only one kind of footbal
which you call soccer. Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed
to play Rugby (which has some similarities to American football but does not
involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full Kevlar body
armour like a bunch of nancies).

You will stop playing baseball. It is unreasonable to host an event called
the world series for a game which is not played outside of the US. Since
only 2.1% of you are aware that there is a world beyond your borders this is
understandable.

You must tell us who killed JFK, its been driving us mad.

An internal revenue agent, (i.e. tax collector) from Her Majesty's
Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies
due (back dated to 1776)

Thank you for your cooperation.

[1967 R50/2]

This one has been around forever...I think I remember seeing it during the Carter administration.

[RickM]

Does the UK go by Metric standards? I thought they used imperial measurement.