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Cars & Coffee Killer
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: State of Failure
Posts: 32,246
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Fighting for Victim's Rights
http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20061006/od_nm/germany_aliens_dc
I'm waiting to be told not to pre-judge this one without all the facts. 
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Some Porsches long ago...then a wankle... 5 liters of VVT fury now -Chris "There is freedom in risk, just as there is oppression in security." |
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10-08-2006, 05:10 PM
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Monkey+Football
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What do you call 1000 lawyers at the bottom of the sea?
A good start. Let's roll on the lawyer jokes..........
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<Insert witty comment> 85 Targa Wong Chip Fabspeed M&K Bilsteins and a bunch of other stuff. |
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10-08-2006, 05:24 PM
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Cars & Coffee Killer
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: State of Failure
Posts: 32,246
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A man went to a brain store to get some brain to complete a study. He sees a sign remarking on the quality of professional brain offerred at this particular brain store. He begins to question the butcher about the cost of these brains.
"How much does it cost for engineer brain?" "Three dollars an ounce." "How much does it cost for programmer brain?" "Four dollars an ounce." "How much for lawyer brain?" "$1,000 an ounce." "Why is lawyer brain so much more?" "Do you know how many lawyers we had to kill to get one ounce of brain?"
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Some Porsches long ago...then a wankle... 5 liters of VVT fury now -Chris "There is freedom in risk, just as there is oppression in security." |
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10-08-2006, 06:41 PM
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Cars & Coffee Killer
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: State of Failure
Posts: 32,246
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The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
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Some Porsches long ago...then a wankle... 5 liters of VVT fury now -Chris "There is freedom in risk, just as there is oppression in security." |
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10-08-2006, 06:43 PM
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Cars & Coffee Killer
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: State of Failure
Posts: 32,246
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A reporter outside of a courtroom asked a defendant clad only in a barrel: “Oh, I see your attorney lost the case!” The defendant answered, “No, we won.”
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Some Porsches long ago...then a wankle... 5 liters of VVT fury now -Chris "There is freedom in risk, just as there is oppression in security." |
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10-08-2006, 06:45 PM
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Cars & Coffee Killer
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: State of Failure
Posts: 32,246
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A dog ran into a butcher shop and grabbed a roast off the counter. Fortunately, the butcher recognized the dog as belonging to a neighbor of his. The neighbor happened to be a lawyer.
Incensed at the theft, the butcher called up his neighbor and said, "Hey, if your dog stole a roast from my butcher shop, would you be liable for the cost of the meat?" The lawyer replied, "Of course, how much was the roast?" "$7.98." A few days later the butcher received a check in the mail for $7.98. Attached to it was an invoice that read: Legal Consultation Service: $150.
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Some Porsches long ago...then a wankle... 5 liters of VVT fury now -Chris "There is freedom in risk, just as there is oppression in security." |
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10-08-2006, 06:46 PM
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Cars & Coffee Killer
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: State of Failure
Posts: 32,246
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A gang of robbers broke into a lawyer's club by mistake. The old legal lions gave them a fight for their life and their money. The gang was very happy to escape.
"It ain't so bad," one crook noted. "We got $25 between us." The boss screamed: "I warned you to stay clear of lawyers -- we had $100 when we broke in!"
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Some Porsches long ago...then a wankle... 5 liters of VVT fury now -Chris "There is freedom in risk, just as there is oppression in security." |
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10-08-2006, 06:47 PM
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Cars & Coffee Killer
Join Date: Sep 2004
Location: State of Failure
Posts: 32,246
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The day after a verdict had been entered against his client, the lawyer rushed to the judge's chambers, demanding that the case be reopened, saying: "I have new evidence that makes a huge difference in my client's defense."
The judge asked, "What new evidence could you have?" The lawyer replied, "My client has an extra $10,000, and I just found out about it!"
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Some Porsches long ago...then a wankle... 5 liters of VVT fury now -Chris "There is freedom in risk, just as there is oppression in security." |
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10-08-2006, 06:47 PM
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Monkey+Football
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A Priest, a Rabbi and a Lawyer on a boat in the middle of the ocean. Violent storm blows up, the baot sinks and the three are the only ones holding onto some flotsam. Sharks start swimming around the wreckage, the priest says "I am a man of the cloth, a soldier of god. Surely his hand will protect." Crunch. Down goes the Priest.
Rabbi says "I am one of God's chosen, I will be spared." Crunch, down goes the Rabbi. Lawyer say's "Holy crap, guess I'm dead too." Shark bumps him, swims around to scent him, and starts to swim away. Lawyer shouts "Hey! What gives??? Not that I'm complaining, but what?" Shark pokes its snout above the waves and says "Hey dude, birds of a feather...."
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<Insert witty comment> 85 Targa Wong Chip Fabspeed M&K Bilsteins and a bunch of other stuff. |
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10-09-2006, 09:49 AM
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Monkey+Football
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The devil visited a lawyer's office and made him an offer. "I can arrange some things for you, " the devil said. "I'll increase your income five-fold. Your partners will love you; your clients will respect you; you'll have four months of vacation each year and live to be a hundred. All I require in return is that your wife's soul, your children's souls, and their children's souls rot in hell for eternity."
The lawyer thought for a moment. "What's the catch?" he asked.
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<Insert witty comment> 85 Targa Wong Chip Fabspeed M&K Bilsteins and a bunch of other stuff. |
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10-09-2006, 09:50 AM
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Monkey+Football
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Rules for Hunting Lawyers:
1. Any person with a valid Washington State hunting license may harvest attorneys. 2. Taking of attorneys with traps or deadfalls is permitted. The use of currency as bait is prohibited. 3. Killing of attorneys with a vehicle is prohibited. If accidentally struck, remove dead attorney to roadside and proceed to nearest car wash. 4. It is unlawful to chase, herd, or harvest attorneys from a snow machine, helicopter, or aircraft. 5. It shall be unlawful to shout "whiplash", "ambulance", or "free Perrier" for the purpose of trapping attorneys. 6. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 100 yards of BMW dealerships. 7. It shall be unlawful to use cocaine, young boys, $100 bills, prostitutes, or vehicle accidents to attract attorneys. 8. It shall be unlawful to hunt attorneys within 200 yards of courtrooms, law libraries, health spas, gay bars, ambulances, or hospitals. 9. If an attorney is elected to government office, it shall be a felony to hunt, trap, or possess it. 10. Stuffed or mounted attorneys must have a state health department inspection for AIDS, rabies, and vermin. 11. It shall be illegal for a hunter to disguise himself as a reporter, drug dealer, pimp, female legal clerk, sheep, accident victim, bookie, or tax accountant for the purpose of hunting attorneys. BAG LIMITS 1. Yellow Bellied Sidewinder 2 2. Two-faced Tort Feasor 3 3. Back-stabbing Divorce Litigator 5 4. Big-mouthed Pub Gut 2 5. Honest Attorney EXTINCT 6. Cut-throat 2 7. Back-stabbing Whiner 2 8. Brown-nosed Judge Kisser 2 9. Silver-tongued Drug Defender $100 bounty
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<Insert witty comment> 85 Targa Wong Chip Fabspeed M&K Bilsteins and a bunch of other stuff. |
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10-09-2006, 09:51 AM
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Registered
Join Date: Apr 2002
Location: Clinton, NJ
Posts: 12,782
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Why do lawyers wear neckties?
It keeps the foreskin from creeping up their chin. What's the difference between lawyers and ticks? Ticks fall off you when you die. What do you call six lawyers skydiving? Skeet.
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______________________________ Dave 1969 911T Coupe 1972 911E Targa |
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10-09-2006, 10:16 AM
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Registered
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Higgs Field
Posts: 22,657
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What's the difference between a dead possum and a dead lawyer in the road?
There's skid marks before the possum.
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Jeff '72 911T 3.0 MFI '93 Ducati 900 Super Sport "God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn't rule the world" |
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10-09-2006, 10:30 AM
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Unregistered
Join Date: Aug 2000
Location: a wretched hive of scum and villainy
Posts: 55,652
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Why don't snakes bite lawyers? Professional courtesy.
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10-09-2006, 12:14 PM
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Registered
Join Date: Mar 2004
Location: Higgs Field
Posts: 22,657
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A threesome is getting held up on the golf course one afternoon. When one of the staff motors by on a golf cart, they stop him to ask if he can't get the group in front to hurry up.
"I would help you guys out, but they are here as our special guests. They have donated their time to several local charities, helping in the construction of needed buildings and such. They are actually all blind, so we have a couple of our guys helping them out." The Catholic priest in the theesome answers "what a moving story. I'll be sure to say a prayer for them". The opthamologist says "Here is my card. If there is anything I can do to help these guys, please have them get in touch." The lawyer looks out at them and asks "So why can't they play at night?"
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Jeff '72 911T 3.0 MFI '93 Ducati 900 Super Sport "God invented whiskey so the Irish wouldn't rule the world" |
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10-09-2006, 01:59 PM
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