Help writing personals ad...

[Highlander179]

Guys, as you all know I've been having problems with the ladies so I come to you for advice since you're all so knowledgeable. I tried craigslist(see ad below), but haven't gotten any repsonses yet. Can you guys take a look at my ad and tell me where I'm going wrong? My writing just isn't working for some reason....

Bloodsucking clown seeks Bride of Frankenstein - m4w - 40 (Upper East Side)

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Reply to: xxxxxxxxxx@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-10-26, 11:01AM EDT


Please help me fulfill my Halloween fantasy.

I'm a frumpy, sad clown with a taste for chocolate, latex, and human brains. I'm looking for a psychotic Lonely-Hearts-Killer type, terrifying yet somehow sexy, like the bittersweet smell of a freshly dead nude. Enormous frizzy hair, evil eyebrows, and/or electrodes are ideal; I'm also not averse to lycanthropic were-women with big bushes, or plain old zombies (must have all your body parts intact).

Join me in my cellar, where we will bob for corncobs and take turns putting our tongues on fresh 9-volt batteries. You will then do an erotic otherworldly dance (for pointers, see any scene from "Orgy of the Dead"), culminating in you lifting your cape and spewing piles of Fun-size candy bars from your rotten vagina into my waiting pillowcase.

You will then drop to your knees, yank down my rubber pants, and suck my pasty red clown cock while I weep uncontrollably, honking a large horn, faster and faster, until I unleash a Tourettes-like barrage of racial epithets and shoot my enormous load of silly string onto your bloodsoaked tits. At this point I will flip you over, switch on the strobe light, stick my rubber nose deep into your ass, and lovingly insert various food-shaped squeaky toys into your hungry goth-pussy while a cheap pneumatic-powered funhouse gorilla lamely pounds his chest in the background. This of course will bring you to a hellish, hissing orgasm, after which we will collapse together in a pile of smeared makeup and tasty gore.

Maybe if I'm up for it I'll **** a pumpkin too.

No freaks, please.




no -- it's NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests




xxxxxxxxxx

[dhoward]

Looks ok to me...

[nostatic]

I think the "taste for chocolate" part was a turn-off...

[cashflyer]

Damn... I want candy bars now.

[}{arlequin]

LOL todd...

i found it entertaining. if they like a sense of humor, they'll come.

[pwd72s]

ALL personal ads should read: "5'10", 350 pound balding 70 year old seeks lifetime lover. Congenital heart problems give me only a few years. Seeking beautiful 21 year old female to help manage my recent $225,000,000 POWERBALL win."

[imcarthur]

It's obvious. The ad failed because you called yourself "sad" and you will "weep uncontrollably". I think you should try to be more upbeat.

Ian

[red-beard]

Liar. I saw her in the Hotel here.

[Jim Richards]

Once again, better check with the concierge re: the pictures. Oh, and you'd better leave the lamp shade.

[red-beard]

lampe shades? Bare bulbs and concrete man. I'm surprised they have internet access.