A modest proposal for easing congestion

[MRM]

I drive a fairly reasonable commute from downtown Minneapolis to one of the north east suburbs. At rush hour the whole trip, including picking up junior and junior at school is about 50 minutes. The same trip on a weekend is just under 30. Not too bad, but there is some room for improvement.

My route out of downtown is carefully chosen for the least amount of congestion. I take Hennepin Avenue, a large three lane one way street across the Mississippi River Bridge, and from there traffic opens up.

As I said, Hennepin is at least three lanes, all going one way. Or, I should say, it is supposed to be three lanes wide. When it is, traffic can really move when it's packed bumper to bumper with commuters intent on a quick trip home.

Unfortunately, it is INEVITABLE that some jerkoff will be parked in the right hand lane, usually directly under a "No parking, No stopping 4-6 pm, Tow Zone" sign when you are trying to use Hennepin. This causes all traffic in the right lane to stop and slows the middle lane to a stand still while the folks trapped in the right lane try to duck into the center lane. Two days in a row the woman (yes, you know it's usually a woman) directly ahead of me stopped right in the lane so that she could pick someone up or just go into the building for whatever reason. All the while, a thousand cars are trapped in that lane and can't get around.

Here's where the modest proposal comes in. There isn't much risk that people like that will get ticketed or towed because the cops and tow trucks are trapped in traffic too, and the miscreant will be gone by the time the tow truck gets there. Bashing your car inter hers might feel good, but it is not a good long term solution and will damage the P Car's paint. Laying on the horn and not letting up for full minutes at a time at least makes the stop unpleasent for the offender, but it probably doesn't have much effect.

We need a simple, quick, and effective solution to get drivers like that out of the lane of traffic and to discourage others from trying it. Given the harm they are causing to society, I suggest letting the punishment fit the crime.

I propose summary capital punishment for people who stop in lanes of travel during rush hour when the lane is clearly in use as a driving lane and is marked as a no stopping zone. Any person stopped behind such a driver who blocks the road will be authorized to immediately dispatch the offending driver. The body must be dumped clear of the road so that it doesn't block traffic. The offender's car must then either be driven away by the executioner's passenger, or it may be given to a pedestrian. If no one wants the car it must be driven onto the curb far enough that it doesn't block traffic.

There it is. Problem solved. Car out of the way with minimal muss and fuss and maximum deterence. A very modest proposal.

[wludavid]

I want no part of a plan does not include the eating of poor peoples' babies.

Seriously though, the punishment of death doesn't fit the crime of incoveniencing many. I propose that double-parked and illegally parked/stopped cars should be "open season." Everyone trapped behind the car should be allowed to take a tire iron (or whatever) and bash the sheet metal, glass, etc.

The fear of immediate reprisal would defintely make someone less likely to stop.

[Rob Channell]

Start carpooling so that when it happens your buddy can help them move their car to a more proper location several blocks away.

[svandamme]

pff, just get one of these

[livi]

Equivocal proposal. Bush should go for it. Guarantied to temporarily lift citizensīs focus out of Iraq.