Angry friend advice

[cashflyer]

Do any of you have friends who are just angry and bitter all the time? I do.

I met him in college about 6 years ago while earning my second degree. From what I know by his stories, he was a guitar player for a band, but wanted to get out of that and into a regular life.

After college, he went to work for a major company in our chosen field. That lasted about a year before he was fired. Then his marriage fell apart. Then he left.

Nobody heard from him for over a year after that until one day I got a phone call. Turns out he became a junkie, and was living on the streets. His sister finally got him into a program and on the road to normality.

He's no longer on street drugs, but the methadone clinic makes sure that he stays strung out on the legal crap each day. And on top of that he drinks... like a fish. A thirsty fish.

Every time he visits, or I visit him, he's pissed off about something. Sometimes, it is legit. Most times, it's just absurd. Like the day he was pissed off about some damn song on the radio.

This weekend, my wife and I took him to a rally race with us. It was early when we picked him up, and he was still jacked up from his methadone dose. He brought a 6-pack with him for race watching. He spent the day making asinine remarks to other spectators, yelling randomly at the race cars, and generally being a jackass. My wife and I gave him a LOT of patience and understanding - putting up with him for 6 hours before getting fed up. Then he proceeded to tear into us for being arrogant ****s.

I hate to turn my back on him, but his tirades are making it very difficult to tolerate him. I feel that this has a lot to do with the drugs and alcohol, but there has to be a lot of inner anger fueling it.

I just don't know what to do.

[fintstone]

Find a new "friend."

[Moneyguy1]

Re-define "friend" and you will have the answer.

In my book, a true friend is an individual who knows the direction in which you are travelling and is there to greet you when you arrive. If it were my friend, I would be there for him, but at a distance. Without more info, he seems to be battling some internal demons and no one but him can wage the battle.

One has to reach a very personal low before one realizes that he or she is in trouble. Then change can happen.

I feel for you (and your wife). It is a difficult decision you have to make.

[VincentVega]

Friends should give you **** and take your ****, without doing both they are a leach. Not easy, but you need to tell him what he's doing and prepare to move on.

[island_dude]

This dude has major issues, and there isn't much you can do to help him. Some folks never understand that when others extend themselves to help out that it is optional. The guy is more hassle than its worth, and he isn't even family. I vote dropping him like a hot rock.

[Taz's Master]

Sure, when I look up the term friend, your buddy doesn't match the definition, but you do.

[cashflyer]

Well, my wife and I were just discussing this more. She felt very hurt by his behavior and his comments.

I will speak to him later today when I get done at work. I didn't know if there was anything I could, or should do to help him. Maybe just spelling it out for him will be the right thing.

Sucks.

[Gene Wilkes]

Wish him the best in his life and get on with yours!!!!

[DavidI]

Cash, I think you already know the answer to your question. If this "friend" hurts your wife, cut him from your life. You cannot change anyone. They have to change themselves, David

[legion]

One must choose not to be evil, or cruel, or vane.

My sis-in-law is marrying a guy who seems to think the world is out to get him. He has a happy disposition, but I've noticed he's gone through 7 jobs in the last year. Same story every time: This next job is going to be a goldmine for him. At some point he quits after he decides he isn't being treated right. 1-2 cases of this I would believe, but 7 jobs in a year that range from auto mechanic to admissions advisor for online college makes me think the problem doesn't lie with the employers.

[Jeff Higgins]

Pretty tough deal. It's in our nature to want to help other people, particularly those that we call friends. They have to both want it, and recognize the need it. Until he reaches that point (and it sounds like he hasn't quite) there is not much to offer him in the way of help, other than help in reaching that point. If he thinks you are an ass hole for pointing out that he needs help, so be it. That may very well be part of what someday gives him the impetus to seek help.

[Zeke]

You have to let some people go. He needs to see a doctor, but he probably has little money for the care he needs. I wouldn't become more involved, myself, but if you feel the need, a very nice gesture would be to see that he gets some meds to calm down. This, of course would require a visit to the doc and w/o ins, would cost an arm and leg. Maybe there's a clinic in your area, but I'm sure the methadone folks are on to this as well. Methadone alone won't do the job from what little I know about this.

[Flatbutt1]

+1 on letting go. you don't stop caring about him but you do stop trying to fix him. You must let him walk his own path, you can't choose his path and you cant walk it for him. You are, we ALL are entitled to remove people that hurt us from our lives.

[azasadny]

cashflyer,

Your "friend" doesn't have "anger issues", it sounds like he has mental illness/addiction and needs treatment, not a "buddy". Be careful as he can involve you in his troubles very quickly. As cold as this sounds, drop him and recommend that he seek therapy.

[MichiganMat]

Theres nothing quite as rotten as having an addict ruin your day. They don't care who they hurt, they don't (can't) care about themselves, and destruction usually follows everywhere they go. If you're strong and wise he may see your way of life and decide he's had enough of his own, but unless you've got 30 years of recovery under your belt I would suggest you keep some distance from this fella.

[nostatic]

life is too short for that kind of crap. Tell him why you're saying "so long", then say "so long." People only pull themselves out when they're good and ready. And enabling bad behavior just prolngs the agony. Ask me how I know...

[sammyg2]

I don't have any friends like that, and there's a good reason for that.

Come to think of it, I don't have many friends at all. Oh well, less time spent about getting tool back after they are borrowed. I think I actually prefer it that way. One or two really good friends, everyone else is an acquaintance.

[Dan in Pasadena]

Sounds like you don' t need this guy in your life...on several levels he is a problem.

A friend of mine is a licensed therapist. He says that mad, glad, sad are all secondary emotions. Secondary to a primary source of trouble in the person's psyche. I have thought about this a lot lately as I have spent my own periods wasting life on mad, sad, etc. Its VERY hard to truly identify your own trigger points and with this friend? It sounds like it would take a bulldozer to get to the bottom of his pile of troubles. He'll probably never do it, the chances that YOU'LL be able to help him do this is impossible.

[rennch]

Buy him a copy of The Secret, and have him watch it.

http://www.thesecret.tv

[cashflyer]

I watched the trailer, and couldn't really tell...
Is it s religious video? If so, I know the reception it would get...